(no subject)
Hmmm, I just totally tweaked my sound system and it sounds about 1000% better. What the fuck. How long have I had these new speakers? Since spring or summer I'd guess. That reminds me about something. Anyhow, all these little things... shit like that, taking the ten minutes to tweak and adjust my sound system. Something that frustrated me to no end for a while until I just settled for listening to less than amazing sound. Basically, I got the speakers, loved em, then iTunes updated and changed shit and I couldn't seem to get used to it, eventually I got used to it, but still didn't have a good balance. Then snap, I just did it like it was the easiest most automatic thing in the world, because really, it was. My point being these little things keep taking place and I wonder where the fuck my head has been and for how long. Still waking up. This is me, these are the things I do. I'm a music geek, I've got a degree in audio production, of course I can tweak a simple sound system.
Not that any of that was my original point in the first place. This is going to wander. There's a line from a movie I watched a few months ago. "The Dreamers" it was perhaps called. I don't know for sure, it wasn't spectacular enough to stick. But the beginning of it started with some great conversations and lines and such, before the whole movie wandered off to something else entirely. Anyhow, during one conversation it was said;
"Before you can change the world, you first have to realize you are part of it."
I don't usually remember lines from movies so much, especially from so-so movies that I've only seen the once. But, that has stuck and stayed with me since. It's a good point, and quite poignant. Or perhaps just personally meaningful.
Not that I'm out to change the world. Not at this point. There have certainly been periods in my life where I wanted to change the world, incite revolution, wake people the fuck up. Right now, I don't really give a shit. I see things following their own path and realize it is the results of all of us living our own lives, and know that it'll flow and follow the path we choose en masse. At this point, I'm more concerned with my own life, with my own happiness and my own mentalities. So be it. That's not the point either.
I've long seen the interconnectedness of all things, all people, all events, etc. The Wide Web to turn a Folk Implosion song title into something more expansive than it was probably meant to be. The strings and strands and ties that bind us. So, obviously, seeing this, I haven't seen myself as seeing myself as being separate, as not being a part of it all. But obviously, some people see me as seeing myself as disconnected from it all. In a different way than I'd ever really looked at it.
I suppose it comes down more to how I interact with people, and how I do not interact with people. How I see people, how I see myself, what I see in people, what I see in society. How I've been alone most of my life, and dealt with the shit of my life, the shit in my head, by myself. How I've not opened up to most people at all, and not entirely to most anyone. How the people who know me best can not know so much about me. Even with people, with friends and lovers, I've been quite alone. Distanced. I've kept myself separate in so many ways. Mostly, I figure for fear of various reactions. Holding this idea in my head that they would not accept my way of life, my perspectives, my feelings and ideas. Why not? Because that's the experience I had growing up. From a pretty young age I received ridicule from my peers for various things I did and said stemming from me being a damn straightforward kid. I opened my mouth, I spoke I did, I lived in my own damn way, and received ridicule until eventually I shut them all out and myself in. I more or less told them all to fuck off, and went my own direction, I continued to do my own thing, but in a more private way, and didn't speak much, didn't share much, kept my thoughts and feelings entirely to myself.
And so I continued on into adulthood trusting very few. Assuming that I'd be rejected or ridiculed or everyone would just think I was too strange, too weird, too intense, too much, and shun me. Or I just figured they all saw things so totally different, lived such different lives, that we'd have little to say to each other, no real common ground, too damn different. And in many cases, that does apply to a degree. But that's not the point.
Through various experiences in my childhood and adolescence, I gathered these beliefs and shut myself in. I also started to see the world in increasingly cynically jaded and skewed ways. I started to just see all the shitty things, the fuck ups, the nonsense, the bullshit of life, the bullshit of various establishments, of authority. This was probably quite necessary to me in my early teens as it allowed me to split from where I'd been and head off in a new direction, allowed me to see through the established precedents, to break free and begin my own exploration. Obviously all this lead me to be who I am today. Obviously the discontent drove me, it served a purpose, it led me to leave the small town, leave high school early, to strike off in my own direction, to be who I was as a teenager, to gain respect and chase dreams and talents and chase knowledge and answers. It served a purpose. The purpose has been served. Somewhere along the way it would have been nice for something else to shift me again, I ended up somewhat too far into that perspective, the jaded cynic. A "realist". Whatever.
The funny thing is that through it all I've always had hope. I've always been a romantic, I've always believed in human potential. Why else would it bother me? Why else would I want revolution and change? If I did not believe humans to be capable of more than what I see around me, I wouldn't bother, I wouldn't give a shit. I point out the crap, the blindness, the ignorance, all the shit I see in society and people in general, not just because I think it sucks, but because I think we can be so much more. Because I believe in people. I am amazed and in awe of humanity. The problem I suppose would be in seeing too much too often of just the shit. Of focusing on that. Of seeing the shit and hoping for change for the good to arise, and missing all the wonderful things that already exist.
It is hard to do in a lot of cases. I deal with people on a daily basis, where I'm supposed to act and react and interact in predetermined ways. It is expected of me automatically by the people who come into contact with me. And of course I have expectations for their behavior, for their manners and considerations. And often these clash. More than that, often I'm faced with people who I look at and realize we live in entirely different worlds. I deal mostly with people a few generations older than I. Their world is not my world. They grew up in a totally different world with different morals and strictures. They have different ideas of how things should be, and totally different concerns for their own lives. Their appearance, behavior, speech patterns, mannerisms, everything is in sharp contrast to my self. It can be quite bizarre.
At the same, I've had regular customers for a few years, that I've come to see much differently than where I started. My relationship has changed with them. A lot have changed quite recently with my changes. I'm somewhat more relaxed and casual in my conversations, etc. I was doing tech work for Katy this afternoon and we were sitting and talking about shit, and I was just casually joking with her, laughing about things. For one I have a different perspective on my own life, as well as others, and I'm also just more chill with who I am and not threatened by others so much.
Through my teens I felt threatened by adults in general. I got disapproval from so many sources for how I lived, how I looked, how I thought, how I acted, how I spoke to my elders. I felt that all of these people were out to smash my ideals and were telling me my views were wrong. High School can be like that, adolescence can be like that. I didn't agree with the system, the way things are. I didn't believe that adults should be shown utmost respect when they hadn't earned it, when they didn't treat me with respect as a person. I didn't stand for being treated like a know nothing kid. I was too smart for that shit. And for the most part at that age, the people around you don't treat you with common respect, don't treat you like another human with valid ideas and perspectives. They are there trying to drive home some set of rules and standards and trying to get you to do what they want. For your own fucking good of course. But it is bullshit. I got stuck in fighting it and holding my own against it. I locked myself in so hard that I was never able to see when it ended.
I didn't realize that with adulthood there would come more general acceptance, or at least resignation. That the world of older people would suddenly lay off and stop trying to get you to live the way they think you should, that even if they did disapprove they probably wouldn't say shit, and if they did, all you have to do is shrug. I've gone of feeling they'd be judging, disapproving, and threatening my choices, my path, my views. Even once some part of me realized it, being faced with adults who assume I smoke pot regardless of anything I ever or never say, and give you the wink on it, approve of it. Weird shit like that... even once I saw experience to the contrary, there was still the unconscious lock down. Because it had not been a conscious decision to protect myself, to be wary of adults, etc. It stuck around because many basic beliefs hadn't changed.
I've still got a lot of those. I still see a huge separation in age groups, classes, etc. I've still got a penchant for bitching about old people. I still dislike authority figures. And I suppose I'll have to work on those.
The strangest separation with me though, lol. Is this strange thing with my gender. Ahhh, how to approach this one? I don't think it is something I thought about when I was very young. You don't question that shit, you are what you are, you never think twice about it. Pretty early into my teen years though, I can recall being very much in awe and adoration of females, and wishing in a strange way, that'd I'd been female. Not so much that I would ever even consider the whole sex change bit, etc etc. I'm too settled into who I am, I accepted my life and form, but certainly always felt I had more feminine traits than masculine traits. That's what it comes down to, is that whole division we make. What boys are supposed to be vs. what girls are supposed to be. I was drawn much more towards what girls are supposed to be. I valued emotion, passion, and beauty over macho shit, physical prowess, etc etc. I liked to read and pick flowers and shit like that. I wasn't big on sports. I wasn't extremely daring in many ways. And I didn't like what I saw in guys. I didn't like the way they behaved, especially in regards to girls. I had female friends from pretty early on, and by jr. high I was this guy these girls would talk to and complain about this boy or that they were with or crushing on and how that boy treated them, etc etc. I hated to see that shit, to see these girls I adored being treated that way by some asshole. I swore never to be that way, regardless of the fact that those boys got the girls, while the girls just liked to have me as a good friend they could tell anything to. They always opened up to me, from a young age. Over and over I'd hear "Oh my god, I've never told anyone that before." Were I an asshole, I'd have had more blackmail material on people than I would know what to do with. But their secrets never got out. Anyhow, at that point I seriously divorced myself from what I saw as male. And for years and years had a general dislike of my own gender. Of course also, my main tormentors through the rough years of my childhood were bastard males. The girls were always compassionate and understanding of my plight, while the boys would look for any ammo they could find to ridicule. Thus, I don't trust males with anything intimate to me. With anything that could be used against me, etc. It's ridiculous, sure, but I learned from experience. So, between that and despising the masculine macho bullshit, the generalization of male, and on and on and on, I grew pretty detached from my gender. I haven't had even a vaguely close male friend in 5 years. I've had ones I've interacted with more than others because, they were there. But not really any that I hung out with on my own by free will, would call up and go, hey, let's get a drink.
The whole thing doesn't get really odd until you consider that... I'm not straight. It would be one thing to be totally disenchanted with the male gender if I were a through and through hetero, if there is such a thing. But that I'm very much not makes it quite strange. That I can have that interest, yet be repulsed by the actuality of males. Haha. It doesn't bother me, and it probably will change, there are just many levels to it that must be dealt with. I can already see many of them, many of the ideas I attach to it that seem rather crazy and unfounded, but, are there nonetheless and are probably attached to deeper beliefs. I do look forward to unravelling it though. Not that I give that much of a shit about having male friends. I don't see anything wrong with the majority of my friends being female, nor do I expect that to change much. But there are some cool guys in my life that I keep at quite a distance. On one hand I feel I don't know how to interact with them, but, that's the same ridiculous shit that causes me problems interacting with everyone. And of course, sorting all this shit out will allow me to accept some things, and to explore parts of my existence I've set aside, knowing I'd get to it eventually. And yes, this subject has me cracking up. It is funny.
Anyhow, maybe my grand point is that. Yes, I've been extremely isolated in my life, I've done it to myself in response to what I met in life. And yes, I've been extremely jaded, and yes, a lot of that is still very apparent, perhaps more so these days. If so, it is mostly that I'm bringing it forward to dig through it, or that it pops up when I get worn down with the work I'm doing on myself and have to throw up my defenses again for a bit to rest. Beneath it all I'm an empath, I'm extremely sensitive to people and to the feel of the world around me, I'm largely hopeful and believe in humanity and life and the wonders involved and that arrive from it all. But it gets rough to wear your heart on your sleeve, and I still don't trust the world so much. I'm having to dig back and deal with so many buried pains and see the shit that caused me to live and perceive as I have for years. I can't do that without reliving shit and allowing myself to feel what I felt, or what I repressed and blocked. Allowing myself the hurt and anger that I didn't allow myself before. Once I do, I pass it. I see it and accept it and it's done. I realize what effects it had, and then know I'm not trapped. Once I see the causes I realize how simple it is to undo it all. How I'm free to be whomever I wish, and to see things differently and respond differently and interact differently. It is strange and brutal, but necessary.
It is somewhat of a self-feeding process though, which is interesting. How seeing one thing, changing one bit just causes massive unravellings and changes in perspective and self. It is quite amazing. It is going to go on and on for sure. I expect to deal with a lot of the apparent and major shit in the near future, but I'm sure there's going to be odd shit popping up for years. And just going through this process changes how I perceive and deal with myself, my experiences, my emotions and beliefs. This is going to be a lifelong change.
Anyhow, the changes are amazing. How shit I've tormented myself with for years, because I felt I was stuck... felt I was stuck having tendencies I didn't like, living in ways I didn't approve of, how these things are now changing and falling away. For years, I, and those around me just told me not to be so hard on myself, to let it go and just accept me as me. But, that was the problem, was the shit wouldn't go away, because I wasn't that person so much, I was hindering myself through so many things, and feeling stuck in that, but it wasn't who I am or who I wanted to be. Hard to explain. Sure, I shouldn't be so hard on myself, that didn't solve shit, but neither would just shrugging it all off. It had to be dealt with, head on, honestly and opened up finally to see it for what it was.
Anyway, things are rolling right along now. By the time I'm 26, I can only imagine where I'll be if I keep this up. I can't imagine stopping, it doesn't seem possible. In the same way that I dwelled on shit and fell into lethargy and depression as my tendencies my thought patterns, etc for so many years, this approach and outlook are becoming more and more habitual, to where it isn't anymore so much of something I tell myself "Okay, you need to sit down, focus, and work on this." It becomes a constant, it becomes the way I approach and think about things at any moment. I become less afraid of falling into old patterns, of distracting myself with girls or drugs or anything at all. The whole process of depravation was beneficial, but it becomes pointless. I cannot see myself using those same things for the same reasons anymore, and don't fear losing my way.
It's funny with fall and winter setting in. People are bitching about the weather again. And I just look at them. So what if it is grey and raining? It is oregon, it is nearly winter. They seem so maudlin and pissy about it. But it doesn't feel the same to me anymore, I shrug about it. Seasons are good to have. But all in all, days are days. Winter days are just like Summer days with different weather, different sun cycles. We have more dark than light, but still, they really aren't any different. Why the hell should winter bother me, or anyone so much? I know I know, we now have various seasonal disorders we're supposed to suffer from and all that. Whatever. If our species had always had as many disorders and dysfunctions of mind and body as we do now. We'd have never have made it this far. Who in this day and age could imagine surviving without modern medicine, psychiatric treatment, and pills by the fucking bucket. No way, we're too flawed, humans are too inherently screwed up and prone to breakdown. What a bunch of bullshit. We'd be fine if we quit fucking with ourselves and feeding ourselves so much downer bullshit about our weakness and flaws, about our tendencies to be wrong, to think wrong, to desire bad things, to be all fucked up if we don't keep an eye on ourselves and resist and stay the path. Blah blah blah blah. Why must we live in fear of ourselves? I'm not going to breakdown, what's the fucking point of that. My body is mine, my mind is mine, they are my tools and gifts, they are also equipped to balance, support, and heal themselves if nothing is done to stop them. I mean, think about it, you think our systems are rigged to pump our blood, process air, digest food, cycle nutrients, produce hormones, refresh cells, exchange atomic and molecular matter with all we take into our body as well as all we come in contact with, to constantly exchange matter and refresh itself... but not really be able to take care of itself? We built civilization with this flawed design? Created symphonies and structures? I don't buy it. Rejoice, in all that you are. Despair not for that alone hinders.
Talby :: Pinback :: Blue Screen Life
Not that any of that was my original point in the first place. This is going to wander. There's a line from a movie I watched a few months ago. "The Dreamers" it was perhaps called. I don't know for sure, it wasn't spectacular enough to stick. But the beginning of it started with some great conversations and lines and such, before the whole movie wandered off to something else entirely. Anyhow, during one conversation it was said;
"Before you can change the world, you first have to realize you are part of it."
I don't usually remember lines from movies so much, especially from so-so movies that I've only seen the once. But, that has stuck and stayed with me since. It's a good point, and quite poignant. Or perhaps just personally meaningful.
Not that I'm out to change the world. Not at this point. There have certainly been periods in my life where I wanted to change the world, incite revolution, wake people the fuck up. Right now, I don't really give a shit. I see things following their own path and realize it is the results of all of us living our own lives, and know that it'll flow and follow the path we choose en masse. At this point, I'm more concerned with my own life, with my own happiness and my own mentalities. So be it. That's not the point either.
I've long seen the interconnectedness of all things, all people, all events, etc. The Wide Web to turn a Folk Implosion song title into something more expansive than it was probably meant to be. The strings and strands and ties that bind us. So, obviously, seeing this, I haven't seen myself as seeing myself as being separate, as not being a part of it all. But obviously, some people see me as seeing myself as disconnected from it all. In a different way than I'd ever really looked at it.
I suppose it comes down more to how I interact with people, and how I do not interact with people. How I see people, how I see myself, what I see in people, what I see in society. How I've been alone most of my life, and dealt with the shit of my life, the shit in my head, by myself. How I've not opened up to most people at all, and not entirely to most anyone. How the people who know me best can not know so much about me. Even with people, with friends and lovers, I've been quite alone. Distanced. I've kept myself separate in so many ways. Mostly, I figure for fear of various reactions. Holding this idea in my head that they would not accept my way of life, my perspectives, my feelings and ideas. Why not? Because that's the experience I had growing up. From a pretty young age I received ridicule from my peers for various things I did and said stemming from me being a damn straightforward kid. I opened my mouth, I spoke I did, I lived in my own damn way, and received ridicule until eventually I shut them all out and myself in. I more or less told them all to fuck off, and went my own direction, I continued to do my own thing, but in a more private way, and didn't speak much, didn't share much, kept my thoughts and feelings entirely to myself.
And so I continued on into adulthood trusting very few. Assuming that I'd be rejected or ridiculed or everyone would just think I was too strange, too weird, too intense, too much, and shun me. Or I just figured they all saw things so totally different, lived such different lives, that we'd have little to say to each other, no real common ground, too damn different. And in many cases, that does apply to a degree. But that's not the point.
Through various experiences in my childhood and adolescence, I gathered these beliefs and shut myself in. I also started to see the world in increasingly cynically jaded and skewed ways. I started to just see all the shitty things, the fuck ups, the nonsense, the bullshit of life, the bullshit of various establishments, of authority. This was probably quite necessary to me in my early teens as it allowed me to split from where I'd been and head off in a new direction, allowed me to see through the established precedents, to break free and begin my own exploration. Obviously all this lead me to be who I am today. Obviously the discontent drove me, it served a purpose, it led me to leave the small town, leave high school early, to strike off in my own direction, to be who I was as a teenager, to gain respect and chase dreams and talents and chase knowledge and answers. It served a purpose. The purpose has been served. Somewhere along the way it would have been nice for something else to shift me again, I ended up somewhat too far into that perspective, the jaded cynic. A "realist". Whatever.
The funny thing is that through it all I've always had hope. I've always been a romantic, I've always believed in human potential. Why else would it bother me? Why else would I want revolution and change? If I did not believe humans to be capable of more than what I see around me, I wouldn't bother, I wouldn't give a shit. I point out the crap, the blindness, the ignorance, all the shit I see in society and people in general, not just because I think it sucks, but because I think we can be so much more. Because I believe in people. I am amazed and in awe of humanity. The problem I suppose would be in seeing too much too often of just the shit. Of focusing on that. Of seeing the shit and hoping for change for the good to arise, and missing all the wonderful things that already exist.
It is hard to do in a lot of cases. I deal with people on a daily basis, where I'm supposed to act and react and interact in predetermined ways. It is expected of me automatically by the people who come into contact with me. And of course I have expectations for their behavior, for their manners and considerations. And often these clash. More than that, often I'm faced with people who I look at and realize we live in entirely different worlds. I deal mostly with people a few generations older than I. Their world is not my world. They grew up in a totally different world with different morals and strictures. They have different ideas of how things should be, and totally different concerns for their own lives. Their appearance, behavior, speech patterns, mannerisms, everything is in sharp contrast to my self. It can be quite bizarre.
At the same, I've had regular customers for a few years, that I've come to see much differently than where I started. My relationship has changed with them. A lot have changed quite recently with my changes. I'm somewhat more relaxed and casual in my conversations, etc. I was doing tech work for Katy this afternoon and we were sitting and talking about shit, and I was just casually joking with her, laughing about things. For one I have a different perspective on my own life, as well as others, and I'm also just more chill with who I am and not threatened by others so much.
Through my teens I felt threatened by adults in general. I got disapproval from so many sources for how I lived, how I looked, how I thought, how I acted, how I spoke to my elders. I felt that all of these people were out to smash my ideals and were telling me my views were wrong. High School can be like that, adolescence can be like that. I didn't agree with the system, the way things are. I didn't believe that adults should be shown utmost respect when they hadn't earned it, when they didn't treat me with respect as a person. I didn't stand for being treated like a know nothing kid. I was too smart for that shit. And for the most part at that age, the people around you don't treat you with common respect, don't treat you like another human with valid ideas and perspectives. They are there trying to drive home some set of rules and standards and trying to get you to do what they want. For your own fucking good of course. But it is bullshit. I got stuck in fighting it and holding my own against it. I locked myself in so hard that I was never able to see when it ended.
I didn't realize that with adulthood there would come more general acceptance, or at least resignation. That the world of older people would suddenly lay off and stop trying to get you to live the way they think you should, that even if they did disapprove they probably wouldn't say shit, and if they did, all you have to do is shrug. I've gone of feeling they'd be judging, disapproving, and threatening my choices, my path, my views. Even once some part of me realized it, being faced with adults who assume I smoke pot regardless of anything I ever or never say, and give you the wink on it, approve of it. Weird shit like that... even once I saw experience to the contrary, there was still the unconscious lock down. Because it had not been a conscious decision to protect myself, to be wary of adults, etc. It stuck around because many basic beliefs hadn't changed.
I've still got a lot of those. I still see a huge separation in age groups, classes, etc. I've still got a penchant for bitching about old people. I still dislike authority figures. And I suppose I'll have to work on those.
The strangest separation with me though, lol. Is this strange thing with my gender. Ahhh, how to approach this one? I don't think it is something I thought about when I was very young. You don't question that shit, you are what you are, you never think twice about it. Pretty early into my teen years though, I can recall being very much in awe and adoration of females, and wishing in a strange way, that'd I'd been female. Not so much that I would ever even consider the whole sex change bit, etc etc. I'm too settled into who I am, I accepted my life and form, but certainly always felt I had more feminine traits than masculine traits. That's what it comes down to, is that whole division we make. What boys are supposed to be vs. what girls are supposed to be. I was drawn much more towards what girls are supposed to be. I valued emotion, passion, and beauty over macho shit, physical prowess, etc etc. I liked to read and pick flowers and shit like that. I wasn't big on sports. I wasn't extremely daring in many ways. And I didn't like what I saw in guys. I didn't like the way they behaved, especially in regards to girls. I had female friends from pretty early on, and by jr. high I was this guy these girls would talk to and complain about this boy or that they were with or crushing on and how that boy treated them, etc etc. I hated to see that shit, to see these girls I adored being treated that way by some asshole. I swore never to be that way, regardless of the fact that those boys got the girls, while the girls just liked to have me as a good friend they could tell anything to. They always opened up to me, from a young age. Over and over I'd hear "Oh my god, I've never told anyone that before." Were I an asshole, I'd have had more blackmail material on people than I would know what to do with. But their secrets never got out. Anyhow, at that point I seriously divorced myself from what I saw as male. And for years and years had a general dislike of my own gender. Of course also, my main tormentors through the rough years of my childhood were bastard males. The girls were always compassionate and understanding of my plight, while the boys would look for any ammo they could find to ridicule. Thus, I don't trust males with anything intimate to me. With anything that could be used against me, etc. It's ridiculous, sure, but I learned from experience. So, between that and despising the masculine macho bullshit, the generalization of male, and on and on and on, I grew pretty detached from my gender. I haven't had even a vaguely close male friend in 5 years. I've had ones I've interacted with more than others because, they were there. But not really any that I hung out with on my own by free will, would call up and go, hey, let's get a drink.
The whole thing doesn't get really odd until you consider that... I'm not straight. It would be one thing to be totally disenchanted with the male gender if I were a through and through hetero, if there is such a thing. But that I'm very much not makes it quite strange. That I can have that interest, yet be repulsed by the actuality of males. Haha. It doesn't bother me, and it probably will change, there are just many levels to it that must be dealt with. I can already see many of them, many of the ideas I attach to it that seem rather crazy and unfounded, but, are there nonetheless and are probably attached to deeper beliefs. I do look forward to unravelling it though. Not that I give that much of a shit about having male friends. I don't see anything wrong with the majority of my friends being female, nor do I expect that to change much. But there are some cool guys in my life that I keep at quite a distance. On one hand I feel I don't know how to interact with them, but, that's the same ridiculous shit that causes me problems interacting with everyone. And of course, sorting all this shit out will allow me to accept some things, and to explore parts of my existence I've set aside, knowing I'd get to it eventually. And yes, this subject has me cracking up. It is funny.
Anyhow, maybe my grand point is that. Yes, I've been extremely isolated in my life, I've done it to myself in response to what I met in life. And yes, I've been extremely jaded, and yes, a lot of that is still very apparent, perhaps more so these days. If so, it is mostly that I'm bringing it forward to dig through it, or that it pops up when I get worn down with the work I'm doing on myself and have to throw up my defenses again for a bit to rest. Beneath it all I'm an empath, I'm extremely sensitive to people and to the feel of the world around me, I'm largely hopeful and believe in humanity and life and the wonders involved and that arrive from it all. But it gets rough to wear your heart on your sleeve, and I still don't trust the world so much. I'm having to dig back and deal with so many buried pains and see the shit that caused me to live and perceive as I have for years. I can't do that without reliving shit and allowing myself to feel what I felt, or what I repressed and blocked. Allowing myself the hurt and anger that I didn't allow myself before. Once I do, I pass it. I see it and accept it and it's done. I realize what effects it had, and then know I'm not trapped. Once I see the causes I realize how simple it is to undo it all. How I'm free to be whomever I wish, and to see things differently and respond differently and interact differently. It is strange and brutal, but necessary.
It is somewhat of a self-feeding process though, which is interesting. How seeing one thing, changing one bit just causes massive unravellings and changes in perspective and self. It is quite amazing. It is going to go on and on for sure. I expect to deal with a lot of the apparent and major shit in the near future, but I'm sure there's going to be odd shit popping up for years. And just going through this process changes how I perceive and deal with myself, my experiences, my emotions and beliefs. This is going to be a lifelong change.
Anyhow, the changes are amazing. How shit I've tormented myself with for years, because I felt I was stuck... felt I was stuck having tendencies I didn't like, living in ways I didn't approve of, how these things are now changing and falling away. For years, I, and those around me just told me not to be so hard on myself, to let it go and just accept me as me. But, that was the problem, was the shit wouldn't go away, because I wasn't that person so much, I was hindering myself through so many things, and feeling stuck in that, but it wasn't who I am or who I wanted to be. Hard to explain. Sure, I shouldn't be so hard on myself, that didn't solve shit, but neither would just shrugging it all off. It had to be dealt with, head on, honestly and opened up finally to see it for what it was.
Anyway, things are rolling right along now. By the time I'm 26, I can only imagine where I'll be if I keep this up. I can't imagine stopping, it doesn't seem possible. In the same way that I dwelled on shit and fell into lethargy and depression as my tendencies my thought patterns, etc for so many years, this approach and outlook are becoming more and more habitual, to where it isn't anymore so much of something I tell myself "Okay, you need to sit down, focus, and work on this." It becomes a constant, it becomes the way I approach and think about things at any moment. I become less afraid of falling into old patterns, of distracting myself with girls or drugs or anything at all. The whole process of depravation was beneficial, but it becomes pointless. I cannot see myself using those same things for the same reasons anymore, and don't fear losing my way.
It's funny with fall and winter setting in. People are bitching about the weather again. And I just look at them. So what if it is grey and raining? It is oregon, it is nearly winter. They seem so maudlin and pissy about it. But it doesn't feel the same to me anymore, I shrug about it. Seasons are good to have. But all in all, days are days. Winter days are just like Summer days with different weather, different sun cycles. We have more dark than light, but still, they really aren't any different. Why the hell should winter bother me, or anyone so much? I know I know, we now have various seasonal disorders we're supposed to suffer from and all that. Whatever. If our species had always had as many disorders and dysfunctions of mind and body as we do now. We'd have never have made it this far. Who in this day and age could imagine surviving without modern medicine, psychiatric treatment, and pills by the fucking bucket. No way, we're too flawed, humans are too inherently screwed up and prone to breakdown. What a bunch of bullshit. We'd be fine if we quit fucking with ourselves and feeding ourselves so much downer bullshit about our weakness and flaws, about our tendencies to be wrong, to think wrong, to desire bad things, to be all fucked up if we don't keep an eye on ourselves and resist and stay the path. Blah blah blah blah. Why must we live in fear of ourselves? I'm not going to breakdown, what's the fucking point of that. My body is mine, my mind is mine, they are my tools and gifts, they are also equipped to balance, support, and heal themselves if nothing is done to stop them. I mean, think about it, you think our systems are rigged to pump our blood, process air, digest food, cycle nutrients, produce hormones, refresh cells, exchange atomic and molecular matter with all we take into our body as well as all we come in contact with, to constantly exchange matter and refresh itself... but not really be able to take care of itself? We built civilization with this flawed design? Created symphonies and structures? I don't buy it. Rejoice, in all that you are. Despair not for that alone hinders.
Talby :: Pinback :: Blue Screen Life