2018 YEAR IN REVIEW
Better late than never, right?
What did you do in 2018 that you'd never done before?
Went to Cuba, formally reported the time Josh raped me to the police
Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
From last year's survey: "This year, I'd still like to practice being a better listener. I'd like to be more focused, spend less time on social media, get to bed at a reasonable hour, and purge, purge, purge. I'd also like to drink less and exercise more."
Well, Chris (more about him later) derailed my plans to move to Berlin, so there wasn't really the need to purge. I definitely don't think I succeeded at being a better listener, either, and I don't think I spent that much less time on social media. Getting to bed at a reasonable hour was (and continues to be) tough for me. I don't think I drank less, though I did go several months without smoking in the Fall, until I became mired in past trauma at the end of November.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Debby and Ryan to baby Ava
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Noah (previously mentioned in LiveJournal entries from yesteryear) committed suicide at the end of January 2018.
David Ward also committed suicide, in August.
5. What countries did you visit?
Cuba, Germany.
6. What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018?
Hard to say now that I'm more than halfway through 2019. I guess for the rest of the year, I'd like more energy (the fatigue has been crippling) and more emotional stability.
7. What date from 2018 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I'll always remember the period at the end of January...my last few days in Cuba, then returning home, depressed to be back in America, full of rage toward capitalism, realizing (as I've realized so many times in the past, but even more acutely this time) how unhappy I am in America, really internalizing how much of my unhappiness has to do with our culture of capitalism, and being reminded (yet again) how badly I want a different way of life. I returned from Cuba on a Wednesday; on Thursday, at work, I found out that Noah had committed suicide. On Friday I went to the memorial at the 2640 space (where Josh and I would have had our wedding), and on Saturday I met up with Stavros at Club Charles. That is the night that I met Chris; after I saw him put some songs on the jukebox, I asked what they were, and invited him to come sit with us. We ended up going to a warehouse party at the Current Gallery (RIP), went BACK to Club Chuck, then Chris and I went back to his apartment where we talked and, eventually, made out.
I'll also remember the period of time in late November when, at about 2:30 in the afternoon, in between clients, I checked my e-mail from my phone and had an e-mail from a woman named Lydia. She wrote,
"Dear Rachel:
My name is Lydia Watts. I am writing to you today on behalf of a woman who has been engaging with Joshua [redacted] in a process of truth-telling and - hopefully - reconciliation regarding harm he did to her about 2 years ago. I am an advocate for her in this process. As part of this process, she has asked Joshua to provide the names of other women who he felt he has harmed in the past. He was, candidly, hesitant to do so for fear that you would not want to hear about, or participate in, this process. Joshua has told us that you reached out to you about a year ago when the #MeToo movement started, and based on your response, he did not think you would want to be contacted. Please forgive me if this feels like an intrusion. He eventually agreed to give me your name and email address, when I assured him that I would do my best to be respectful in my correspondence with you."
This e-mail turned my world upside down. Like many other women, I was extremely triggered by the Kavanaugh hearing in September, and the testimony by Dr. Christine Blasey Ford. I started drinking even more than usual (which is kind of a lot), including during the day. I knew I needed to do something. I returned to talk therapy and, together with my therapist, decided to try EMDR to help me rewire my brain. I also talked with him about how I seek justice against my ex. Chris and I had talked about it at length, and I spent countless hours turning it over in my mind. I had very little faith in the criminal justice system, and didn't think the letter I received from him on November 17, 2017 in which he apologizes for raping me was enough evidence for him to be charged with a crime. I decided that exposing him publicly was best, and I had been composing a Facebook post. Well, Lydia's e-mail changed everything. Once I knew there was at least one other victim, I wanted to go to the police. And we did.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I got a peace order against Josh. It was granted on Monday, December 17, 2017. The judge made it clear that not only was he not to come near my place of work, and that he had to leave if he showed up somewhere I was, but she also specified that if *I* were to show up somewhere *he* was, then he would be the one to have to leave, even if he was there first. I was ELATED! I hadn't realized how disinclined I was to go out for fear of running into him until I didn't have to worry about it anymore.
9. What was your biggest failure?
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had pretty horrible food poisoning in February 2018. I believe I got it from the salmon I had in the dining room of The Palms, the assisted living facility in Ft. Myers, Florida where my grandma lives. I was in horrible pain on the plane trip home, and toward the end of the flight I was sure I would throw up. I called for a flight attendant, who brought me a bag. I managed to make it until I was off the plane, and then I threw up 3 times in the family bathroom. The drive back to my house was equally as harrowing - white knuckles the whole ride, with the windows down (in the middle of February, recall). It was a long, ghastly night. It was the first time in my life I've actually been shitting and throwing up AT THE SAME TIME.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Justina. Lydia, my advocate. Crystal, my advocate from Turnaround. Larry Cohen, J, Daniel, and others who showed up to support me when I intended to confront Josh.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Josh. For being the fuckwit narcissistic rapist he is. Milan basically called me a slut. The Baltimore City Police Department, particularly Detective Allman.
Heiko. I couldn't BELIEVE he would book a 2 week 2 day trip to visit me without making sure the dates / time span was okay with me. It wasn't. Also, I told him before he came that I started dating someone, and the trip would be different from what he expected. It wouldn't be romantic. He claimed to understand, but he still made me really uncomfortable, and it nearly screwed things up with Chris.
14. Where did most of your money go?
On March 10, 2018, Alfie broke four bones in his foot. While the 2 surgeries and 8 week stay at the animal hospital in Princton, West Virginia did not cost me nearly as much as I thought it would, all said and done I probably spent around $2,400.
Plane tickets...some I bought with points, but Berlin tickets definitely set me back around $1000.
House repairs: Chris's parents came for a week in September and there were a number of things I wanted done on the house before their visit. I had ceiling fans and light fixtures installed and the barn door hung. I also spent some money on things from Ikea to make the guest room more comfortable. I think I spent $1,200 on the house repairs.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Chris, Chris, Chris. Talking with Chris about getting married. Talking with Chris about having babies. Talking about buying a house in Providence, Rhode Island.
16. What song will always remind you of 2018?
- Nitzer Ebb - Join in the Chant
- The sountrack to Call Me By Your Name, especially the Pyschedlic Furs' Love My Way, Sufjan Stevens (Futile Devices and Mystery of Love), and Words by F. R. David.
- Boy Harsher
- Black Marble
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
ii. thinner or fatter?
I think at the start of 2018, I was probably about the same weight.
richer or poorer?
At the start of 2018, I believe I was somewhat better off financially, as Chris had moved in and was contributing about $900 / month. It helped me to pay off my credit cards, and we also opened a joint savings account to save for a house in Providence.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Reading, writing.
What do you wish you'd done less of?
Cleaning the house.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Chris and I spent Christmas with my family at my sister's house. Chris and I were put in charge of a cheese plate; we went to Wegmans in the morning and stocked up, and then in the afternoon we met up with Dennis and his daughter, Simone, downtown at the rinky-dink ice skating rink set up in front of the Pandora building. Then we went back home, wrapped some gifts, got Alfie, and got on the road. At Emily's house we drank and watched Beerfest. The next day (Christmas) we were joined by my mom and dad, my aunt Jenny, and her kids (my cousins) Chris and Michele. Chris and I drove back that night, as Chris was leaving Oklahoma early the following morning.
21. How will you be spending New Year's Eve?
I joined Chris in Oklahoma that Sunday the 30th, and we stayed until the 2nd. We opened presents and ate dinner the evening that I arrived. It was really sweet. I brought a jigsaw puzzle with me, which I worked on throughout the trip. Chris and I also went ice skating at one point. On New Year's Eve, Chris and his family and I ate at a Mexican restaurant. When we got home, we watched Austin City Limits and I worked on my puzzle. Together, we watched the film Cinema Paradiso (which I had started watching on the plane there but never finished). On New Year's Day, the whole family ate a fantastic brunch at Mary Eddy's in the 21c hotel, and then we walked through the art gallery, which was awesome.
22. Did you fall in love in 2018?
Yes. With Chris.
23. How many one-night stands?
None.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Chris introduced me to Bojack Horseman. We also watched Peep Show together from the beginning while Amazon Prime was offering the entire series. Unfortunately, they yanked all but the first season before we had a chance to finish.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
26. What was the best book you read?
Didn't have much time for reading.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
28. What did you want and get?
29. What did you want and not get?
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
32. Went to Dylan's Oyster Cellar after work on Friday, the day before my birthday. Had oysters and shared the white beans with andouille sausage and I think a halibut filet. Chris was super tired from work. I noticed that he did the math wrong on the check and left less than a 10% tip, so I stealthily put down another $10 in cash. Then we made our way to WC Harlan. Chris was so tired that he wasn't very good company, and I wasn't having a particularly good time. Plus, I got the sense that he felt dinner - and the cocktails that followed at Harlan's - were too expensive, so I bought our drinks. I worked Saturday, and then he gave me my gifts, the most notable one being a pair of Moscot glasses - with my prescription in them and everything. In keeping with tradition, we went to Club Charles. Not many people showed. I think Stavros was there, and Shan stopped by for a bit. I may have run into a few friends randomly, but all in all, it was pretty underwhelming.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Had Chris not spent so much time making me feel badly (ahem, excuse me, for "trying to understand") for experimenting with drugs and for having a threesome with John and Amanda.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2018?
mullet. uniqlo black jeans. crop tops. $10 foam chunky platforms from ebay (china). black thick, round Moscot glasses--a gift from Chris. Bright orange fringe earrings. My blue coveralls from the Paseo Arts Festival in Oklahoma. My mesh shirt, my black mid-calf uniqlo dress that I cut to show side boob.
34. What kept you sane?
I was hardly sane. Deep breathing, leaning into my vices when necessary, and working out when I had the energy to helped to take the edge off.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Bernie Sanders. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
37. Who did you miss?
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Chris.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018?
40(a). What shows / concerts did you attend?
40(b). Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.