Upon Reflection
I don't want a c-section (which I think I've been pretty clear on). Monday I fully intend to make myself clear to my OBGYN. If and unless there is some certain emergency that would warrant a section (and a long labor, or not progressing doesn't say "emergency" to me) - I'm going to refuse one.
I've spent nearly all of my life wanting to be a mother - and when I thought about the birth of my child, I never thought I'd have a c-section. I spent several (devastating) years TTC with my ex-husband. Despite all that we went through (testing, surgery, supplements) his sperm count remained nearly non-existent. We'd both planned, and agreed on a home birth. I'd even met with my future midwife, Darlene.
Having gotten pregnant "by surprise" (without insurance, etc) - I could no longer have Darlene as my midwife. She's the only midwife that serves our small(ish) town - but she is not Certified (so not covered by Medicaid) - and she has no hospital privileges (and Jonathan was not keen on a home birth).
So what (sort of) started out as an all natural midwife assisted home birth - has turned into a surgeon attended hospital birth (maybe even c-section)! I've also given up hope of giving birth without an Epidural (though I'd like to labor for as long as I can stand it).
I have this terrible feeling that this birth is out of my hands. I'm also terrified that the hospital will somehow fuck up my attempt to breastfeed...
I wish I was much more assertive (bitchy, even) - and I'm afraid that Jonathan won't know when/how to speak on my (and Thomas') behalf. I know from my professional life that medical types can be intimidating - with their "big scary words" and god-complexes. Generally, I can talk the talk - Jonathan - not so much.
I hope I can get angry if need be (I know I did for my grandmother when she was in the hospital)...
It's probably entirely too late for me to be writing this - I'm not sure any of it makes sense.
*sigh*
ETA
I also said once that I'd never allow my son to be circumcised (I've totally blown that too - thanks to Jonathan, and family). I just really feel like I've already made a shit ton of compromises - and I'm not comfortable giving up on anything else.
I've spent nearly all of my life wanting to be a mother - and when I thought about the birth of my child, I never thought I'd have a c-section. I spent several (devastating) years TTC with my ex-husband. Despite all that we went through (testing, surgery, supplements) his sperm count remained nearly non-existent. We'd both planned, and agreed on a home birth. I'd even met with my future midwife, Darlene.
Having gotten pregnant "by surprise" (without insurance, etc) - I could no longer have Darlene as my midwife. She's the only midwife that serves our small(ish) town - but she is not Certified (so not covered by Medicaid) - and she has no hospital privileges (and Jonathan was not keen on a home birth).
So what (sort of) started out as an all natural midwife assisted home birth - has turned into a surgeon attended hospital birth (maybe even c-section)! I've also given up hope of giving birth without an Epidural (though I'd like to labor for as long as I can stand it).
I have this terrible feeling that this birth is out of my hands. I'm also terrified that the hospital will somehow fuck up my attempt to breastfeed...
I wish I was much more assertive (bitchy, even) - and I'm afraid that Jonathan won't know when/how to speak on my (and Thomas') behalf. I know from my professional life that medical types can be intimidating - with their "big scary words" and god-complexes. Generally, I can talk the talk - Jonathan - not so much.
I hope I can get angry if need be (I know I did for my grandmother when she was in the hospital)...
It's probably entirely too late for me to be writing this - I'm not sure any of it makes sense.
*sigh*
ETA
I also said once that I'd never allow my son to be circumcised (I've totally blown that too - thanks to Jonathan, and family). I just really feel like I've already made a shit ton of compromises - and I'm not comfortable giving up on anything else.