Insert Thoughtful Subject Here
I really, really miss writing. With the boys reaching their first birthday any day now I stop sometimes to marvel that I managed to keep all three of us alive for a year. While working. While breastfeeding! While STILL breastfeeding.
I look forward to my next pregnancy so I can finally, hopefully put this breastfeeding guilt/remorse to rest. I pat myself on the back knowing I am half way to my goal of two years, that the boys don't seem to want to stop, I don't want to stop, and they're thriving. Yet sometimes I still beat myself up that I went back to work and had a relatively crap response to the pump (crap for two babies, fine for one, yes I still tell myself that LIKE IT HELPS) and the boys get bottles and I don't NIP enough/didn't enough.
We're all really lucky though. And happy. Mike and I, despite our lack of physical intimacy as of late, found ourselves talking about how we don't worry about our relationship. I mean, if I sat down I'd of course tell everyone near me how over the moon we are for each other, but when I don't pause to think about it it's just so obvious and comfortable. We had a lengthy chat tonight about what in the hell could even break us up and I said that I am a horrible mess and it drives EVERYONE NEAR ME INSANE. He said I was right and of course he'd be the one to leave. Then I told him about how I feel like if I really wanted to do a thing he wouldn't stop me, like going back to school. He suggested I stay with the Bucks and I pointed out that if I want to go farther I have to work longer hours and with the boys I just don't want to.
He then said I should get a job being a bitch because I'm super good at that. I told him if I could find someone to pay me for that I WOULD BE ALL OVER IT. Then we laughed way too hard then we thought the boys woke up, they didn't, so then I worked out.
Which is going super well. The week of Mike's birthday I broke my old elliptical and put off trying to to fix it for like a week. Then we discovered it OH MY GOD FUCKING DIED HORRIBLY from ripping metal-y bits? I don't even know. So I bought a new one on Craig's list for dirt cheap and it's amazing but after taking two weeks off from working out it's been an up hill struggle again but I'm still in the don't give up mindset.
Speaking of mindset I can feel how much mine has shifted. When I started my sleeve back in April I kept telling Jorell that I'm 30 and I'm just gonna' do what I do. He kept poking at me saying that it's all down hill and I'm 30 and old and dying. I told him no, it's not that. It's that for 30 years I kept not doing things for the sake of jobs and careers and being marketable. Fuck you and fuck that. I mean this is all sage advice for people who are young, starting out, and are lacking in experience. In many ways I'm all of those things while simultaneously not but more importantly if I find out I'm dying of cancer tomorrow do you think the first thing I'd think is, THANK GOD I MADE MYSELF MARKETABLE!? No, I wouldn't.
So, fuck marketability. Seriously. I mean I'm sure at forty I'll wake up and think thirty year old me was a stupid, stupid kid. What was wrong with that kid. However, right now I'm looking back going man, younger me was stupid. I hate younger me. HERE'S TO OLDER ME! And in my head I march around like Max from Where the Wild Things Are.
I get older, I get kookier, I buy funky things, and I just keep on keepin' on.
Unrelated to all this, I got my hair cut and it's super fabulous. Those of you who follow me about on FB are probably tired of hearing about my hair, and you can be, that's fine BUT I AM NOT TIRED OF TALKING ABOUT IT.
Have I mentioned my kids are awesome? I feel like I don't inundate LJ anymore with the man, my kids are awesome posts but I like to think it should go without saying that my kids? They're awesome.
The important question seems to be are they walking and that's a no. I mean they're not really even cruising but there is a lot of effort being put into standing on their own. Archer especially likes standing up and then holding on gently with one hand while looking around like, "What? This? I do this all the time. ALL THE TIME." He's also figured out how to get into his chair and then stand on his chair. I'm waiting for him to realize he can then climb from his chair to the couch but he hasn't quite made those connections yet. While they do still shockingly like their jumpy chairs (today they got to hang out in jumpy chairs while I napped on the couch during the morning hours and it was pretty all right) they seem to like standing next to them and swatting the dangly toys. It's hard to write about all the things they do because it's so much and so nuanced.
Though our super fun new learning experience is taking off the diaper. Yes, we've gotten to the diaper take off stage and it seems to be especially fun when the diaper is full of poop. There's a lot of poop clean up here lately.
In news of where I'll be I'm off to Florida in a few weeks while Mike is at E3 and then I'll be home again for baby birthday parties. Which I guess I should theoretically start inviting people to that but I kind of think baby birthday parties are stupid so I don't want to inflict it on people either. I mean, family members yes. Everyone else? Why do you want to stare at my children? WHY?! Wait til they're like three. Then come to their parties. Which btw, the niece just turned 3. Can we talk about how freaking cute that birthday party was? Man I love my niece. Her new thing is telling me Seamus and Archer are her brothers and sisters. I don't correct her. I feel like that's up to her Mom and Dad to explain. If she wants her cousins to be siblings...well, fine.
There is so much I could go on about. I'm just going to stop though. It's weird having so much and yet nothing going on. OH! And the main reason I post so little? The kids like to crawl up to my laptop and either chew on it or hit buttons. THEY ARE SO AMAZING at closing whatever window I have open. It's fun. No really. So this isn't LJ is dying so I'm not posting it's I have tiny people who like to ruin all the things all the time.
I look forward to my next pregnancy so I can finally, hopefully put this breastfeeding guilt/remorse to rest. I pat myself on the back knowing I am half way to my goal of two years, that the boys don't seem to want to stop, I don't want to stop, and they're thriving. Yet sometimes I still beat myself up that I went back to work and had a relatively crap response to the pump (crap for two babies, fine for one, yes I still tell myself that LIKE IT HELPS) and the boys get bottles and I don't NIP enough/didn't enough.
We're all really lucky though. And happy. Mike and I, despite our lack of physical intimacy as of late, found ourselves talking about how we don't worry about our relationship. I mean, if I sat down I'd of course tell everyone near me how over the moon we are for each other, but when I don't pause to think about it it's just so obvious and comfortable. We had a lengthy chat tonight about what in the hell could even break us up and I said that I am a horrible mess and it drives EVERYONE NEAR ME INSANE. He said I was right and of course he'd be the one to leave. Then I told him about how I feel like if I really wanted to do a thing he wouldn't stop me, like going back to school. He suggested I stay with the Bucks and I pointed out that if I want to go farther I have to work longer hours and with the boys I just don't want to.
He then said I should get a job being a bitch because I'm super good at that. I told him if I could find someone to pay me for that I WOULD BE ALL OVER IT. Then we laughed way too hard then we thought the boys woke up, they didn't, so then I worked out.
Which is going super well. The week of Mike's birthday I broke my old elliptical and put off trying to to fix it for like a week. Then we discovered it OH MY GOD FUCKING DIED HORRIBLY from ripping metal-y bits? I don't even know. So I bought a new one on Craig's list for dirt cheap and it's amazing but after taking two weeks off from working out it's been an up hill struggle again but I'm still in the don't give up mindset.
Speaking of mindset I can feel how much mine has shifted. When I started my sleeve back in April I kept telling Jorell that I'm 30 and I'm just gonna' do what I do. He kept poking at me saying that it's all down hill and I'm 30 and old and dying. I told him no, it's not that. It's that for 30 years I kept not doing things for the sake of jobs and careers and being marketable. Fuck you and fuck that. I mean this is all sage advice for people who are young, starting out, and are lacking in experience. In many ways I'm all of those things while simultaneously not but more importantly if I find out I'm dying of cancer tomorrow do you think the first thing I'd think is, THANK GOD I MADE MYSELF MARKETABLE!? No, I wouldn't.
So, fuck marketability. Seriously. I mean I'm sure at forty I'll wake up and think thirty year old me was a stupid, stupid kid. What was wrong with that kid. However, right now I'm looking back going man, younger me was stupid. I hate younger me. HERE'S TO OLDER ME! And in my head I march around like Max from Where the Wild Things Are.
I get older, I get kookier, I buy funky things, and I just keep on keepin' on.
Unrelated to all this, I got my hair cut and it's super fabulous. Those of you who follow me about on FB are probably tired of hearing about my hair, and you can be, that's fine BUT I AM NOT TIRED OF TALKING ABOUT IT.
Have I mentioned my kids are awesome? I feel like I don't inundate LJ anymore with the man, my kids are awesome posts but I like to think it should go without saying that my kids? They're awesome.
The important question seems to be are they walking and that's a no. I mean they're not really even cruising but there is a lot of effort being put into standing on their own. Archer especially likes standing up and then holding on gently with one hand while looking around like, "What? This? I do this all the time. ALL THE TIME." He's also figured out how to get into his chair and then stand on his chair. I'm waiting for him to realize he can then climb from his chair to the couch but he hasn't quite made those connections yet. While they do still shockingly like their jumpy chairs (today they got to hang out in jumpy chairs while I napped on the couch during the morning hours and it was pretty all right) they seem to like standing next to them and swatting the dangly toys. It's hard to write about all the things they do because it's so much and so nuanced.
Though our super fun new learning experience is taking off the diaper. Yes, we've gotten to the diaper take off stage and it seems to be especially fun when the diaper is full of poop. There's a lot of poop clean up here lately.
In news of where I'll be I'm off to Florida in a few weeks while Mike is at E3 and then I'll be home again for baby birthday parties. Which I guess I should theoretically start inviting people to that but I kind of think baby birthday parties are stupid so I don't want to inflict it on people either. I mean, family members yes. Everyone else? Why do you want to stare at my children? WHY?! Wait til they're like three. Then come to their parties. Which btw, the niece just turned 3. Can we talk about how freaking cute that birthday party was? Man I love my niece. Her new thing is telling me Seamus and Archer are her brothers and sisters. I don't correct her. I feel like that's up to her Mom and Dad to explain. If she wants her cousins to be siblings...well, fine.
There is so much I could go on about. I'm just going to stop though. It's weird having so much and yet nothing going on. OH! And the main reason I post so little? The kids like to crawl up to my laptop and either chew on it or hit buttons. THEY ARE SO AMAZING at closing whatever window I have open. It's fun. No really. So this isn't LJ is dying so I'm not posting it's I have tiny people who like to ruin all the things all the time.