Science!
You know, it occurred to me a lot of my child free friends love science and hate children. So far, these two are like a science project of if it can go wrong, let's see how!
So, no joke, I am slowly creeping towards the dreaded bed rest. Why?
Baby A's amniotic fluid is low, where as his brothers is quite high. These findings make it look like the beginning stages of twin to twin transfer syndrom. If it is TTTS it means all kinds of shit could happen and result in both babies dying. YAAAAAY!
By YAAAAAY I mean seriously, the first trimester I was told I shouldn't tell people in case of losing a baby. At 12 weeks we were okayed to say what we want but up until week 12 I wouldn't stop bleeding. SO I stopped bleeding which became proceed as normal, until this last visit to the perinatologist. Which was 6 weeks after I stopped bleeding.
What was a slightly elevated fluid level has become a "significant" elevated fluid level. What does that mean in measurement terms? Not the fucking slightest idea.
Upside? We're ALL fine. Literally. Bladders are there, hearts are there, all the parts that are supposed to form are forming. Huzzah!
To try to prevent this from going further I am supposed to rest my ass off (lots of sleep last night until I woke up and cried for a few hours, then went to bed, woke up and went to the doctor, then came home and slept for another 4 or so hours and I'm debating sleeping again) and drink protein shakes OR consume large amounts of protein. Why/how does this help? No one knows, but it's gotten positive results.
Bonus, we have protein shakes at work. Downside? They make me poop like whoa, so, here's to having to drink as much protein powder as possible THEN running to the bathroom.
What I'm saying is I'm the one pregnant lady on the damn Atkins diet. Make that make sense.
So, yeah, nearly 20 weeks, not positive I can feel actual movements on the outside of my body, but my stomach feels gurgly and I could have a super rare disease.
OH! Other fun facts, because this disease is so SUPER RARE if we need to treat it (HEY-O BED REST) my options are go to Houston, Texas or Miami, Florida. I've already opted for Florida in my mind because my Mother lives there. I've also decided if I have to go to Miami I am buying a cute bathing suit, consuming large quantities of virgin beverages with umbrellas in them, and living off of Cuban coffee and protein shakes. Why? Because if I can't control the big things I can enjoy the shit out of the little things.
I am trying to be as Zen as humanly possible about this, but true facts after making myself Zen after all of the other shit that has been thrown at me(being told every doctor's visit that something COULD GO HORRIBLY WRONG), it's hard to be FUCKING ZEN. I'm trying to make myself a little pocket of sanity by reminding myself my doctors are awesome (they're awesome), they are STAYING ON TOP OF THIS (holy shit I am so tired of seeing doctors), and I might get a Miami vacation (this is a joke, but hey, cute bikini). Also, I can't do anything to control or change this. Hope and prayer are all I have and the best attitude I can imagine, but that doesn't mean I may not find myself curled up in bed sobbing. Because sometimes best attitude imaginable means solitude and working through my emotions how I find it best for me. I do have to admit I wish I believed in therapy, because having a therapist would be nice, but I don't know what the hell they could tell me other than what everyone else has.
Thus, if anyone is asking themselves how do I feel like a failure out of all of this? Because I feel like I am really doing a poor job of just bringing two people into this world. I mean, I can tell myself I'm not because my doctor reassured me on paper everything from my iron to BP is perfect. Which means, for those people who seem to have far too much of an interest in my weight gain can fuck off. Doctors are not concerned, which means I am not concerned. I just want these guys out now. I want them out so I can see them and be reassured that they're coming out. This in between, unknown makes me want to vomit.
Which reminds me of a quote I read stating that babies are not a promise but a hope. It's true. These guys are all of my hopes right there in the open, so close I can stinking touch them (okay, through my belly, but you know) and I'm still being told half way through at any moment I could lose one. Not cool babies. Not cool.
I also have the reassurance that I do believe everyone has their time and if this is it, this is all the time one of these babies has is with me, well. I hope I did him right. I'd like another 60+ years with him, but I'll take what I can get and vice vs.
So, next up, where's the beef?
So, whew. Holy hot damn that was a lot to unload. I wish I felt better.
So, no joke, I am slowly creeping towards the dreaded bed rest. Why?
Baby A's amniotic fluid is low, where as his brothers is quite high. These findings make it look like the beginning stages of twin to twin transfer syndrom. If it is TTTS it means all kinds of shit could happen and result in both babies dying. YAAAAAY!
By YAAAAAY I mean seriously, the first trimester I was told I shouldn't tell people in case of losing a baby. At 12 weeks we were okayed to say what we want but up until week 12 I wouldn't stop bleeding. SO I stopped bleeding which became proceed as normal, until this last visit to the perinatologist. Which was 6 weeks after I stopped bleeding.
What was a slightly elevated fluid level has become a "significant" elevated fluid level. What does that mean in measurement terms? Not the fucking slightest idea.
Upside? We're ALL fine. Literally. Bladders are there, hearts are there, all the parts that are supposed to form are forming. Huzzah!
To try to prevent this from going further I am supposed to rest my ass off (lots of sleep last night until I woke up and cried for a few hours, then went to bed, woke up and went to the doctor, then came home and slept for another 4 or so hours and I'm debating sleeping again) and drink protein shakes OR consume large amounts of protein. Why/how does this help? No one knows, but it's gotten positive results.
Bonus, we have protein shakes at work. Downside? They make me poop like whoa, so, here's to having to drink as much protein powder as possible THEN running to the bathroom.
What I'm saying is I'm the one pregnant lady on the damn Atkins diet. Make that make sense.
So, yeah, nearly 20 weeks, not positive I can feel actual movements on the outside of my body, but my stomach feels gurgly and I could have a super rare disease.
OH! Other fun facts, because this disease is so SUPER RARE if we need to treat it (HEY-O BED REST) my options are go to Houston, Texas or Miami, Florida. I've already opted for Florida in my mind because my Mother lives there. I've also decided if I have to go to Miami I am buying a cute bathing suit, consuming large quantities of virgin beverages with umbrellas in them, and living off of Cuban coffee and protein shakes. Why? Because if I can't control the big things I can enjoy the shit out of the little things.
I am trying to be as Zen as humanly possible about this, but true facts after making myself Zen after all of the other shit that has been thrown at me(being told every doctor's visit that something COULD GO HORRIBLY WRONG), it's hard to be FUCKING ZEN. I'm trying to make myself a little pocket of sanity by reminding myself my doctors are awesome (they're awesome), they are STAYING ON TOP OF THIS (holy shit I am so tired of seeing doctors), and I might get a Miami vacation (this is a joke, but hey, cute bikini). Also, I can't do anything to control or change this. Hope and prayer are all I have and the best attitude I can imagine, but that doesn't mean I may not find myself curled up in bed sobbing. Because sometimes best attitude imaginable means solitude and working through my emotions how I find it best for me. I do have to admit I wish I believed in therapy, because having a therapist would be nice, but I don't know what the hell they could tell me other than what everyone else has.
Thus, if anyone is asking themselves how do I feel like a failure out of all of this? Because I feel like I am really doing a poor job of just bringing two people into this world. I mean, I can tell myself I'm not because my doctor reassured me on paper everything from my iron to BP is perfect. Which means, for those people who seem to have far too much of an interest in my weight gain can fuck off. Doctors are not concerned, which means I am not concerned. I just want these guys out now. I want them out so I can see them and be reassured that they're coming out. This in between, unknown makes me want to vomit.
Which reminds me of a quote I read stating that babies are not a promise but a hope. It's true. These guys are all of my hopes right there in the open, so close I can stinking touch them (okay, through my belly, but you know) and I'm still being told half way through at any moment I could lose one. Not cool babies. Not cool.
I also have the reassurance that I do believe everyone has their time and if this is it, this is all the time one of these babies has is with me, well. I hope I did him right. I'd like another 60+ years with him, but I'll take what I can get and vice vs.
So, next up, where's the beef?
So, whew. Holy hot damn that was a lot to unload. I wish I felt better.