knots in the stomach lining
Why should I give so damn much? ..why should I always give and never get anything that I seek or need in return..
Why do I always try to do what I think is the right thing and put myself through hell and sacrifice my personal thoughts and feelings just to see a smile?
Why I care so much is becoming such a damn mystery to me that its just causing anger.
I think about it the odd time...I grind my teeth and scowl and curse to myself...Inside of me theres something angry enough that its causing a huge conflict with who I've always tried to be..
I've gotten this far and all ive gotten is pain and regret..
Regret for doing the things I do - for caring for whom I do...and to every side of anger is a side of sadness that is equally powerful.
This kind of festering rage just sits and broods...
I care so much and I try so hard but for what? it does me no good..it falls apart, it breaks, it shatters and I end up trying to pick up my own pieces.
What I've worked so hard to build is slowly becoming the thing that disgusts me the most.
I sacrificed myself so damn much for such little thanks - while someone else can sleep at night im stuck here feeling like I just want to punch a wall until my knuckles break and at the same time I feel like just sitting in a corner and crying..
Such filth...Such feelings....For nothing...Things I've done to myself with no caution or even a second thought..
Maybe thats the reason I'm so angry and torn about things...because I truly have no one else to blame except myself..I let it happen to myself...I stupidly thought there'd be a sort of reward for all my good behaviour..my genuine caring personality but what really did it earn me? Nothing...Nothing worth the personal shit that I dont tell people that goes on because I dont let anyone help me..
Maybe I should've been a fucker like most people..other people seem to be drawn to that more...What does caring get you? It gets you kicked in the soft spot until you start to choke and gag while you clutch your stomach while feeling each and every bit of an oozing pulse in your being swell and cry out in whatever pain its feeling.
I guess I have no one to be pissed at except myself. I guess I have no one to kick in the soft spot but myself for letting other people do this to me...Knowing my luck no matter what I do or no matter how I act its just gonna do something worse or something worse that I just cant think of.
Pfft...put myself through such hell so I can be a doormatt..Because I stupidly thought there could possibly be some kind of reward.
truthfully I thought I got some kind of reward...a smile and a compliment...its not worth it though..
If you constantly sacrifice yourself your going to end up with a whole lot of fuckin nothing with no one around you to help you because YOUR being a baby about it..
Such filth...Such disgusting feelings.
Why do I always try to do what I think is the right thing and put myself through hell and sacrifice my personal thoughts and feelings just to see a smile?
Why I care so much is becoming such a damn mystery to me that its just causing anger.
I think about it the odd time...I grind my teeth and scowl and curse to myself...Inside of me theres something angry enough that its causing a huge conflict with who I've always tried to be..
I've gotten this far and all ive gotten is pain and regret..
Regret for doing the things I do - for caring for whom I do...and to every side of anger is a side of sadness that is equally powerful.
This kind of festering rage just sits and broods...
I care so much and I try so hard but for what? it does me no good..it falls apart, it breaks, it shatters and I end up trying to pick up my own pieces.
What I've worked so hard to build is slowly becoming the thing that disgusts me the most.
I sacrificed myself so damn much for such little thanks - while someone else can sleep at night im stuck here feeling like I just want to punch a wall until my knuckles break and at the same time I feel like just sitting in a corner and crying..
Such filth...Such feelings....For nothing...Things I've done to myself with no caution or even a second thought..
Maybe thats the reason I'm so angry and torn about things...because I truly have no one else to blame except myself..I let it happen to myself...I stupidly thought there'd be a sort of reward for all my good behaviour..my genuine caring personality but what really did it earn me? Nothing...Nothing worth the personal shit that I dont tell people that goes on because I dont let anyone help me..
Maybe I should've been a fucker like most people..other people seem to be drawn to that more...What does caring get you? It gets you kicked in the soft spot until you start to choke and gag while you clutch your stomach while feeling each and every bit of an oozing pulse in your being swell and cry out in whatever pain its feeling.
I guess I have no one to be pissed at except myself. I guess I have no one to kick in the soft spot but myself for letting other people do this to me...Knowing my luck no matter what I do or no matter how I act its just gonna do something worse or something worse that I just cant think of.
Pfft...put myself through such hell so I can be a doormatt..Because I stupidly thought there could possibly be some kind of reward.
truthfully I thought I got some kind of reward...a smile and a compliment...its not worth it though..
If you constantly sacrifice yourself your going to end up with a whole lot of fuckin nothing with no one around you to help you because YOUR being a baby about it..
Such filth...Such disgusting feelings.