Father
I wish I could show that bastard my wounds.
I wish I could show him how he hurts me and always makes me cry.
I wish I could show him how he's helped me stay angry all these years.
I Wish I could show him how he always makes me feels inside.
I carry so much filth and trash and hatred in me because of that asshole.
I could never be a good father or a good enough boyfriend because what he's done to me...
He acts so ignorant and so surprised when he hears me talk back to him.
TElls me I should be a fucking laywer...tells people he works with how ungreatful I am.
HOw good do I have it? I have to deal with fucking lectures for the dumbest fucking shit. I HAve to deal with being called Worthless and nothing I EVer Do is good enough.
I have to deal with Excuses and absense..I have to deal with tears and pain inside me That is just unbearable.
I wish I could yell and scream But all I can do when I think of it is cry.
I hate myself for feeling the way I do but when I Realise that its not my fault I know who the hell to fucking blame for this.
I dont know and I dont care what he wants from me ...I want to leave this city ..this house ..This hell because It does nothing but weigh me down. I want to yell so much and so hard at my asshole of a father that he finally realizes what he does to me........ITs inhuman to treat your own children like this....I cant even be with the one person that keeps me sane and happy because shes too far away.
I know only she can make me happy ...I only want to tell my father once and for all to go to hell ....I want to tell him to fuck off and now that I think of it I am fucking glad that he is gone so much because nothing GOod comes from having him here.
All he does is yell and complain and make everyone feel like shit.
IT was never my fault for the problems in his life...Its not my fault he grew up without a father..ITs not my fault for ALL of his shit but he would have me believe it is. My girlfriend does all she can to help me and all I can bring myself to do is to apologize to her for being so hateful of my father...I dont like to show her my wounds and I cant even imagine how good of a father I would make. I never EVER want to put my children through this shit. I never want them to grow up Secretly hating me because all I do is make them feel like shit..I dont want to blame my kids for my faults and I never want to put them through the hell that my father has put me through.
I want to leave this house because of all the crap that has gone on...I want to leave this pain and these people behind.
I want to live the rest of my life happily without any pain, without any sorrow...without ever hearing my father speak to me ever again. I never only am just filled with hate when it comes to my father.....I Feel so sad because I am so hurt...I cry so much because that bastard Feels its alright for him to do / say whatever the fuck he wants and tomorrow it will just be fine. I will just forget and move on.
I will never forget and ON the day that I will finally be free I will tell him. I will tell him everything. If it kills me to do so I will.
I can hardly even talk right now because everytime I want to say how shitty I feel and why all I can do is cry.
My father is the cause. He's the reason why I am the way I am. And the rest of my family is no better.
I wish I could get away from my grandfather telling me to get a job or join the fucking army. I wish I could get away from my aunt that was so pissed that I didnt want to go back to school this year. I want to get the hell away from my asshole middle brother that makes me feel like shit for what he's had to go through and thinks I should give him everything without batting an eyelash..I hate them all ...They all have their special place in my hell. I want to leave because anywhere but here would be paradise. I would feel bad for the friends I left behind but I would tell them why...I would let them know that I was never truly on the inside happy ..That there was a whole shit load of garbage inside me that was making me stay angry all the time. I would tell them I didnt share it with them before because I dont want people to see my wounds. I dont want them to see my pain. I dont want them to be aware of how deeply shitty I feel.
I know that they would help if I told them and for that reason I will always love my friends. I know they would show care and they would do what they could to help but its not for them to help. It's for me to do and when I do finally tell my father what the fuck he has done and keeps doing to me I wont be around anymore.
I'll be gone for a long time and maybe I would talk to my friends again or I would just start over I am not sure. I would never mean any disrespect for my decision and I would hope that my friends would remember me each in their own way like I would remember them in my own way.