(no subject)
Tonight I am thinking of you.
One of my most valued achievements within my admittedly modest portfolio of social skills is my ability to make people feel loved. This is largely due to the emotion I genuinely feel for the individuals around me; especially those I keep close. I feel quite comforted by this. People may take me for granted, but while they do, they can never feel quite alone.
But I also realised tonight that not only do people take my love for granted without hesitation, but so too do I take my love for them for granted, and saddeningly, when analysed, sometimes it isn't there at all.
I realised that over the Christmas period there were some people I thought of naturally. People I have secret daydreams of, people I feel concerned about, people I'm looking forward, consciously, to seeing or hearing from.
Then there were those who I made room for in my thoughts; out of habit. Like a convert to atheism still saying goodnight to Jesus as he turns out the light and then thinking, "Oh, why did I do that? You don't exist." And each time I believe a momentary debate is re-enacted. The conclusion being not that the thought is a plaguing subconscious belief, but a habit, just a silly association game habit. I frequently, very frequently, spare a thought for those I care for and perhaps it has become somewhat of a rosary.
I've only genuinely thought of two people this Christmas. I doubt either of them are my saviour, but I bet they feel loved. And those I may have let go; they still have my prayer.
One of my most valued achievements within my admittedly modest portfolio of social skills is my ability to make people feel loved. This is largely due to the emotion I genuinely feel for the individuals around me; especially those I keep close. I feel quite comforted by this. People may take me for granted, but while they do, they can never feel quite alone.
But I also realised tonight that not only do people take my love for granted without hesitation, but so too do I take my love for them for granted, and saddeningly, when analysed, sometimes it isn't there at all.
I realised that over the Christmas period there were some people I thought of naturally. People I have secret daydreams of, people I feel concerned about, people I'm looking forward, consciously, to seeing or hearing from.
Then there were those who I made room for in my thoughts; out of habit. Like a convert to atheism still saying goodnight to Jesus as he turns out the light and then thinking, "Oh, why did I do that? You don't exist." And each time I believe a momentary debate is re-enacted. The conclusion being not that the thought is a plaguing subconscious belief, but a habit, just a silly association game habit. I frequently, very frequently, spare a thought for those I care for and perhaps it has become somewhat of a rosary.
I've only genuinely thought of two people this Christmas. I doubt either of them are my saviour, but I bet they feel loved. And those I may have let go; they still have my prayer.