This Winter
This Winter
Tonight is not as I thought it would be
Had I planned this day before this day
A hundred times over
I would not have concluded, not once
That there would be no you
Perhaps in jest
Or standard panic
Who knows, I guess I am a thinker
But not that bleak to think myself
Into such...
Theatrical depths
As this year
Surely?
I remember a time when I did not know of your existence
Or his existence, or his, or his, or hers, or his, or his..
And I remember not feeling lonely
Without any of you
But then, there were others
I wonder where they are
Are you sitting on them?
Or did they get bored
Waiting for a call I put off until I had a worthy progress report
Progress.. progress is a lie in itself of course
Absolute tragedy is no more than a graze and
Good news?
Babies and weddings are momentary boasts
And then they are burdens
And subjects of further absolute tragedy
Well aren't I going to be a wicked witch for that statement
I miss you
One day we must organise
A reunion of "You"'s
So many litter my scribbled rantings
I wonder if you'd like each other
Perhaps
You'd make notes and conclude
I'm as evil as that subconscious niggle told you I was
However much I try to be
Good
And some would philosophise
That intention was Everything
Only to be convinced
By other more rigid bitter minds
Of my selfish and sociopathic nature
Masked so delicately
By a submissive and loving veneer
This winter
I have found someone to love
In the shadow
Of a broken life
A runaway wife
And an indecisive physicist
Whose self-indulgent tears continue
To sicken and embitter
I am
Unhating
But willing
A mess
I dream my disappointments
It is lost but I must strengthen
A grip
Weakened in the moment
Of waking
From insomniacal slumber
I tried
And I lost, I lost
Then people helped
And I collapsed again
Is that my final chance?
People deserve infinite aid but
Do I?
What comes next?...
What comes next and will it hurt?
Tonight is not as I thought it would be
Had I planned this day before this day
A hundred times over
I would not have concluded, not once
That there would be no you
Perhaps in jest
Or standard panic
Who knows, I guess I am a thinker
But not that bleak to think myself
Into such...
Theatrical depths
As this year
Surely?
I remember a time when I did not know of your existence
Or his existence, or his, or his, or hers, or his, or his..
And I remember not feeling lonely
Without any of you
But then, there were others
I wonder where they are
Are you sitting on them?
Or did they get bored
Waiting for a call I put off until I had a worthy progress report
Progress.. progress is a lie in itself of course
Absolute tragedy is no more than a graze and
Good news?
Babies and weddings are momentary boasts
And then they are burdens
And subjects of further absolute tragedy
Well aren't I going to be a wicked witch for that statement
I miss you
One day we must organise
A reunion of "You"'s
So many litter my scribbled rantings
I wonder if you'd like each other
Perhaps
You'd make notes and conclude
I'm as evil as that subconscious niggle told you I was
However much I try to be
Good
And some would philosophise
That intention was Everything
Only to be convinced
By other more rigid bitter minds
Of my selfish and sociopathic nature
Masked so delicately
By a submissive and loving veneer
This winter
I have found someone to love
In the shadow
Of a broken life
A runaway wife
And an indecisive physicist
Whose self-indulgent tears continue
To sicken and embitter
I am
Unhating
But willing
A mess
I dream my disappointments
It is lost but I must strengthen
A grip
Weakened in the moment
Of waking
From insomniacal slumber
I tried
And I lost, I lost
Then people helped
And I collapsed again
Is that my final chance?
People deserve infinite aid but
Do I?
What comes next?...
What comes next and will it hurt?