AshleyLand and the Dellie-Haters
And with the passing of that awful year, I wonder what else may be lost forever.
I have a lot to say, but little of note I suspect. Everything feels... uncertain. I don't know who I am going to upset next, or how. I am tempted to take some time away from people but I know how lonely I get stuck at home. I don't feel like I trust anyone particularly right now. Is that me not being trusting or am I surrounded by vulnerable and false friendships? I don't believe any attempt to give these rantings structure will succeed but I shall try:
Anti-Adele Sentiment:
My time in Guernsey is the main cause of my state of mind as revealed above. This weekend was particularly bad. The reason Chris and I broke up has nothing to do with any of the actions his flatmate or parents resent me for, and we are united in our confusion over their exaggerated dislike of me. I don't like people hating me. I don't hate people, and care about all people very much. I do everything I can to be polite and friendly.
My friendship with Chris is vulnerable. Extremely vulnerable. I feel on the periphery of a life I was once the centre of. I feel a loss, a grief, over someone who is still there. Recovery will take time, and effort, and maintenance, which will require motivation, and that is the element of it all I worry about. It is my primary fear that Chris no longer needs me in his life. I was very important, the discovery of my existence was a long-awaited confirmation of self. But he knows that she exists, and that she came to love him. As she knows that he exists and he came to unlove her. Once you find your soulmate, what the fuck are you meant to do with them?
His flatmate got very angry over the weekend. It was very odd because Ryan and myself had spent an enjoyable night together when Chris wasn't in, on Friday. We'd broken the ice and were appreciating each other's company. We got quite drunk, and chatted politics and talked about Chris. We had a couple of disagreements politically (he takes a more radical stance against Muslim fundamentalism) and his conversation is sporadic, his attention span weak, but I found him overall quite liberal. I thought that during that evening we'd been honest, and open, and we'd continue to be that.
The upset came on the Saturday evening. We were apparently being too affectionate in the company of his houseguests during what appeared to us to be a friendly get together in their living room. We were no closer than we've seen a thousand people being in the company of others. Ryan got angry and shouted, but we honestly thought he was joking. Later that night we made too much noise, at the same volume as Chris endures from his flatmate almost daily. Ryan went mad. He banged on the wall like a deranged monkey screaming "If you two do not shut the fuck up I will come in there and strangle the both of you." We were both very frightened and I cuddled up to Chris and cried. The next day we were very confused because we hadn't done anything wrong that he wasn't as guilty of himself. We were nervous about seeing him but we were very surprised when he stormed in at 10/11pm upsettingly angry and said "I don't like Adele, Chris" and when I asked what was wrong he walked up the sofa and shouted that my attitude and behaviour was disgusting. Chris took him for a walk after that to get to the bottom of it all. I'm not sure what was said, I'm not sure Chris would tell me all the details, but Ryan was very concerned Chris and I would get back together and this was apparently at the heart of it all. I don't know what I did to offend Ryan. He told me himself on Friday the only thing he has against me is that I am competition. What could I have possibly done on that one evening to hurt him that much? Aside from the fear that we would reunite, Chris was told that the girls present the previous night had taken offense to me wearing polkadot red and white trousers. They'd made the effort, why didn't I? I had been nervous of going downstairs. I had delayed it and then considered I should put in an appearance. I went down, I conversed. People don't generally take to me, but.. that my trousers would land me in so much trouble was entirely unpredictable. Ryan thinks I am.. "bad news". What does this mean! Going down and spending an hour in the company of strangers resulted in me making three people angry, one person cry and me and Chris being threatened and made scared. Is my company (and my fashion sense) really that bad!?
Ashley:
Ashley is... refreshingly normal. He's very sweet, loving and easy going. I feel happy in his company and within the enclosure of his life in general. I'm enjoying the company of his best friend too, a lot. It would make me very... *insert synonym for "happy" here* to consider that mutual. All is peaceful and pleasant. There are concerns, but aren't there always:
a) I've started to annoy him already. Leaving lights on and cupboards ajar and wet towels in a heap instead of spread out drying. You know, just cliche annoying happenings. b) And he still mourns a girl. Who I will never match. I'm still in mourning too, I know. And I do want Ashley to feel safe in loving me, despite my feelings for Chris. I'm sure Ashley feels the same about me. c) New Year's Eve was very scary. There came a point I couldn't be affectionate with Ashley because I was so disturbed and disappointed by the turn of events. His behaviour reminded me of previous lives I would really rather forget. d)I'm also uncomfortable with the possibility that he may not fancy me. Naturally. *laughs*
*kisses his head as he sleeps beside her*
I like this little life I have found in "Ashleyland". I would be very disappointed to lose it. I hope none of my current concerns will amount to anything. My others have successfully been calmed. And I am very happy. I don't want things to be complicated and so far he has been "a pleasant stability in a complicated time".
St. Peter Port:
Some photographs. These are highly sentimental locations. They probably look terribly run down and miserable to you but they are very very special to Child Adele so please try to appreciate them.
Allez Street
George Street
Trinity Square
Granite Walls and Rooftops
George Place
Priaulx Library
Number 8 Allez Street
The Veranda
I have a lot to say, but little of note I suspect. Everything feels... uncertain. I don't know who I am going to upset next, or how. I am tempted to take some time away from people but I know how lonely I get stuck at home. I don't feel like I trust anyone particularly right now. Is that me not being trusting or am I surrounded by vulnerable and false friendships? I don't believe any attempt to give these rantings structure will succeed but I shall try:
Anti-Adele Sentiment:
My time in Guernsey is the main cause of my state of mind as revealed above. This weekend was particularly bad. The reason Chris and I broke up has nothing to do with any of the actions his flatmate or parents resent me for, and we are united in our confusion over their exaggerated dislike of me. I don't like people hating me. I don't hate people, and care about all people very much. I do everything I can to be polite and friendly.
My friendship with Chris is vulnerable. Extremely vulnerable. I feel on the periphery of a life I was once the centre of. I feel a loss, a grief, over someone who is still there. Recovery will take time, and effort, and maintenance, which will require motivation, and that is the element of it all I worry about. It is my primary fear that Chris no longer needs me in his life. I was very important, the discovery of my existence was a long-awaited confirmation of self. But he knows that she exists, and that she came to love him. As she knows that he exists and he came to unlove her. Once you find your soulmate, what the fuck are you meant to do with them?
His flatmate got very angry over the weekend. It was very odd because Ryan and myself had spent an enjoyable night together when Chris wasn't in, on Friday. We'd broken the ice and were appreciating each other's company. We got quite drunk, and chatted politics and talked about Chris. We had a couple of disagreements politically (he takes a more radical stance against Muslim fundamentalism) and his conversation is sporadic, his attention span weak, but I found him overall quite liberal. I thought that during that evening we'd been honest, and open, and we'd continue to be that.
The upset came on the Saturday evening. We were apparently being too affectionate in the company of his houseguests during what appeared to us to be a friendly get together in their living room. We were no closer than we've seen a thousand people being in the company of others. Ryan got angry and shouted, but we honestly thought he was joking. Later that night we made too much noise, at the same volume as Chris endures from his flatmate almost daily. Ryan went mad. He banged on the wall like a deranged monkey screaming "If you two do not shut the fuck up I will come in there and strangle the both of you." We were both very frightened and I cuddled up to Chris and cried. The next day we were very confused because we hadn't done anything wrong that he wasn't as guilty of himself. We were nervous about seeing him but we were very surprised when he stormed in at 10/11pm upsettingly angry and said "I don't like Adele, Chris" and when I asked what was wrong he walked up the sofa and shouted that my attitude and behaviour was disgusting. Chris took him for a walk after that to get to the bottom of it all. I'm not sure what was said, I'm not sure Chris would tell me all the details, but Ryan was very concerned Chris and I would get back together and this was apparently at the heart of it all. I don't know what I did to offend Ryan. He told me himself on Friday the only thing he has against me is that I am competition. What could I have possibly done on that one evening to hurt him that much? Aside from the fear that we would reunite, Chris was told that the girls present the previous night had taken offense to me wearing polkadot red and white trousers. They'd made the effort, why didn't I? I had been nervous of going downstairs. I had delayed it and then considered I should put in an appearance. I went down, I conversed. People don't generally take to me, but.. that my trousers would land me in so much trouble was entirely unpredictable. Ryan thinks I am.. "bad news". What does this mean! Going down and spending an hour in the company of strangers resulted in me making three people angry, one person cry and me and Chris being threatened and made scared. Is my company (and my fashion sense) really that bad!?
Ashley:
Ashley is... refreshingly normal. He's very sweet, loving and easy going. I feel happy in his company and within the enclosure of his life in general. I'm enjoying the company of his best friend too, a lot. It would make me very... *insert synonym for "happy" here* to consider that mutual. All is peaceful and pleasant. There are concerns, but aren't there always:
a) I've started to annoy him already. Leaving lights on and cupboards ajar and wet towels in a heap instead of spread out drying. You know, just cliche annoying happenings. b) And he still mourns a girl. Who I will never match. I'm still in mourning too, I know. And I do want Ashley to feel safe in loving me, despite my feelings for Chris. I'm sure Ashley feels the same about me. c) New Year's Eve was very scary. There came a point I couldn't be affectionate with Ashley because I was so disturbed and disappointed by the turn of events. His behaviour reminded me of previous lives I would really rather forget. d)I'm also uncomfortable with the possibility that he may not fancy me. Naturally. *laughs*
*kisses his head as he sleeps beside her*
I like this little life I have found in "Ashleyland". I would be very disappointed to lose it. I hope none of my current concerns will amount to anything. My others have successfully been calmed. And I am very happy. I don't want things to be complicated and so far he has been "a pleasant stability in a complicated time".
St. Peter Port:
Some photographs. These are highly sentimental locations. They probably look terribly run down and miserable to you but they are very very special to Child Adele so please try to appreciate them.
Allez Street
George Street
Trinity Square
Granite Walls and Rooftops
George Place
Priaulx Library
Number 8 Allez Street
The Veranda