(no subject)
what kind of person leaves a school event on a friday night and finds himself sobbing uncontrollably like a baby for no apparent reason and not knowing where to go? why, me of course. i'm telling you i think this year i have outdone myself as far as depression goes. i mean, out of all the places in the world to drive to, i found myself parked and already exiting the car of my old job parking lot. what the fuck is that? i hated that place, the customers, the security guards, etc. and i drive there?? to top this off...i don't even have the courage to walk into the store after standing within 10 feet of it for a minute or two because i was uncertain as to how i would be treated; i didn't tell anyone but the manager that i was quiting for fear of being in the "have you heard- i'm quitting?" conversation. more importantly, how would carla react to my presence...after all she did not schedule us to work my last day together after nearly every shift of my 1 1/2 years there involved the two of us. i can't believe myself sometimes...wait..maybe i can. oh well.
can we also address the fact that i'm still uncomfortable around most of my very good friends. why can't i be like everyone else and not be afraid to invite people places in person, why do i wait to ask them online and give the excuse that "i forgot" to ask when we were chatting in person just hours before? also why do i feel embarrassed to take pictures with my friends...have you (my friends) realized me whipping out my camera to take a snapshot of the two of us rarely or never happens...even when my camera is in my pocket? ugh
finally, a few of the things that irk me: 1) people who take forever to respond to IMs. i mean, i rarely go online nowadays and when i do i guess i expect people to be excited and type up a storm and i'm disappointed when they don't. wait. maybe it's just me and shame on me for foolishly believing people's online conversations should revolve around their excitement over me. 2) how i say "we should hang out" sometimes and then when the time of hang out comes i find myself not wanting to go through with it...not because i don't like the person, just not into it anymore. i can assure you though that if you are reading this this has never been the case with you...it's usually people whom I would consider as acquaintances or long-lost friends. 3) how this entry went off tangent and is now all over the place with no real direction.
EDIT: i understand sometimes we take a while to respond to IMs because we are busy doing something else but it was my impression that away messages were invented for this very reason. :::shruggs:::