not quite as schmoopy as I meant it to be...ex_roseganyMay 18 2009, 05:26:55 UTC
He's still here. Dean blinks into the motel room, the dark tempered by the fluorescent "vacancy" light bleeding through the chintzy curtains. Sam is just a blurry lump in the other bed, but it's a Sam-shaped lump, sure enough.
Sam's still here. Sam's alive, Sam's here, Sam's with Dean again. Of all the things that've gone on in the last few days - hell, the last few years - it's hard to believe.
Really, Dean's almost afraid to believe. Faith was made to be shattered, and his has taken a beating this year. Faith in God, not so much - never had much of that, and the dude's goons have proved Dean right. Faith in himself? Never had much of that either, but there were certain things Dean prided himself on, and one had always been his brother. Raising him, protecting him, the bond between them, even stretched thin as it'd been over the years.
But now it feels like it's snapped and it's been sewn hastily back together again, the edges raw and jagged now but somehow sure. Dean is sure - Sam is here. He isn't going anywhere. Not tonight, not tomorrow, not ever. Dean isn't letting Sam out of his sight.
His eyes adjust to the darkness, his brother coming into focus, the Sam-shaped lump in the blankets smaller now that Dean can see his face. Quiet in sleep, and still, not so worn from the world, not so tight with pain. Sam snorts and turns his face into his pillow, before Dean can embarrass himself by dwelling on it for much longer.
Kid's considerate in his sleep, at least. Pity Dean can't keep him that way.
He smirks softly to himself at that. Lets out a huff of breath he's been holding for far too long. It will take a while. Them. Learning to be brothers again, to trust, to know one another. Sam has penance to make, but Dean has his too. Behind his eyes Dean can still see - Sam with blood on his lips, but now Dean can see the wide, desperate eyes. Sammy. His brain ticks back further, settles on Sam's voice, The way you talk to me, the way you look at me like I'm a freak. Dean made his own little brother feel like a monster. That really isn't funny after a certain age, and anyway, Dean is supposed to protect Sam from the monsters. Protect Sam from himself, when it comes to it. Fine job he's done of that.
Sam whispers in his head again. My whole life, you take the wheel, you call the shots, and I trust you, because you're my brother. Now, I'm asking you, for once, trust me. His little brother's pleading eyes, the hitch in his voice, and Dean hears his own, No. The tears, and Dean can still feel them stinging. You're a monster.
Yeah, well, maybe they both were.
It'll be hard, but Dean's going to start believing in Sam again. He has to - for both their sake's. Sam's here, Sam's his again, Sam's himself again, or getting there - they'll get there. Sam's safe, or safe as either of them can be, in his bed, and Dean's eyes can trace the outline of his body in the sheets. He knows Sam will be there when he wakes. No more secrets, no more lies, no more leaving. Dean knows this. Still, he stays up, watching, just in case.
It's not that he doesn't trust Sam so much as Dean doesn't trust his own eyes. Doesn't trust life. That they've made it this far, that they're together, it's hard to believe. People say faith isn't seeing, but believing; Dean doesn't believe in what he can't see. He still can't believe what he's seeing. Sammy.
If God hadn't left the building, Dean would be thanking him. As it is, it feels like what he's looking at? Is something to be revered, something holy.
Re: not quite as schmoopy as I meant it to be...concernedlilyMay 18 2009, 10:30:54 UTC
This is lovely! And plenty schmoopy *g*. I love that Dean recognises how all their issues have got so tangled up and the work it'll take to fix things, but he wants to because Sam is the one thing he can believe in.
Re: not quite as schmoopy as I meant it to be...ex_roseganyMay 19 2009, 21:33:10 UTC
Thank you! And Sam is definitely the one thing Dean can believe in, but it's faith that takes work, that isn't blind, that means seeing Sam and things with them for how they really are, and working from there...I hope they do!
Re: not quite as schmoopy as I meant it to be...ariadnes_stringMay 18 2009, 15:11:41 UTC
Oh that's great! I really like how you tie to the problem of faith, and the way that Dean has to struggle to have faith in Sam again, much as he loves him. Thank you!
Re: not quite as schmoopy as I meant it to be...crazytookMay 21 2009, 07:25:40 UTC
Oh this was really sweet. I love it. It's just so adorable to see Dean deal with something this small, and to think on how he's hurt and how he's been hurt. I really also just love the way you put Dean's issues with faith, and I love how you wrote Dean just appreciating his brother. He fights for him so much, it is lovely to see him just to be rewarded for that for like five seconds, even if he can be stupid about how he fights for Sam. Great job! kudos! -crazytook
Sam's still here. Sam's alive, Sam's here, Sam's with Dean again. Of all the things that've gone on in the last few days - hell, the last few years - it's hard to believe.
Really, Dean's almost afraid to believe. Faith was made to be shattered, and his has taken a beating this year. Faith in God, not so much - never had much of that, and the dude's goons have proved Dean right. Faith in himself? Never had much of that either, but there were certain things Dean prided himself on, and one had always been his brother. Raising him, protecting him, the bond between them, even stretched thin as it'd been over the years.
But now it feels like it's snapped and it's been sewn hastily back together again, the edges raw and jagged now but somehow sure. Dean is sure - Sam is here. He isn't going anywhere. Not tonight, not tomorrow, not ever. Dean isn't letting Sam out of his sight.
His eyes adjust to the darkness, his brother coming into focus, the Sam-shaped lump in the blankets smaller now that Dean can see his face. Quiet in sleep, and still, not so worn from the world, not so tight with pain. Sam snorts and turns his face into his pillow, before Dean can embarrass himself by dwelling on it for much longer.
Kid's considerate in his sleep, at least. Pity Dean can't keep him that way.
He smirks softly to himself at that. Lets out a huff of breath he's been holding for far too long. It will take a while. Them. Learning to be brothers again, to trust, to know one another. Sam has penance to make, but Dean has his too. Behind his eyes Dean can still see - Sam with blood on his lips, but now Dean can see the wide, desperate eyes. Sammy. His brain ticks back further, settles on Sam's voice, The way you talk to me, the way you look at me like I'm a freak. Dean made his own little brother feel like a monster. That really isn't funny after a certain age, and anyway, Dean is supposed to protect Sam from the monsters. Protect Sam from himself, when it comes to it. Fine job he's done of that.
Sam whispers in his head again. My whole life, you take the wheel, you call the shots, and I trust you, because you're my brother. Now, I'm asking you, for once, trust me. His little brother's pleading eyes, the hitch in his voice, and Dean hears his own, No. The tears, and Dean can still feel them stinging. You're a monster.
Yeah, well, maybe they both were.
It'll be hard, but Dean's going to start believing in Sam again. He has to - for both their sake's. Sam's here, Sam's his again, Sam's himself again, or getting there - they'll get there. Sam's safe, or safe as either of them can be, in his bed, and Dean's eyes can trace the outline of his body in the sheets. He knows Sam will be there when he wakes. No more secrets, no more lies, no more leaving. Dean knows this. Still, he stays up, watching, just in case.
It's not that he doesn't trust Sam so much as Dean doesn't trust his own eyes. Doesn't trust life. That they've made it this far, that they're together, it's hard to believe. People say faith isn't seeing, but believing; Dean doesn't believe in what he can't see. He still can't believe what he's seeing. Sammy.
If God hadn't left the building, Dean would be thanking him. As it is, it feels like what he's looking at? Is something to be revered, something holy.
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Thanks :)
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kudos!
-crazytook
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