fuck you for dying.
http://www.filter-mag.com/news/interior.2215.html
"If you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."
"My friend said to me "You know what I like? Mashed poatoes," I was like, Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. If your ging to quiz me, you must put a pause in there."
"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."
"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too."
"I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that."
"The thing about tennis is, no matter how much you play, you'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall, once. They're fucking relentless."
"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. "
"I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others."
"I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here"
"I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall."
"2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created. "
"This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty. "
"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle"
"I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs."
"I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up." "
"You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast."
This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard. "
"I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shit, I had to be somewhere...""
"I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying..."
"I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D"."
"Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?"
"I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away..."
"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right."
*lupis is where you're a warewolf
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. "
"If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible..."
"Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave too." "
"I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top. "
"On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana? "
"I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper. "
"...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated"
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah." "
RIP: Mitch Hedberg (1967-2005)