State of TheHefner, Fall '15 Edition
Ahhh, I remember making my New Year's resolution to return to LJ and post something new every month. Ideally, I wanted it to be every week, or at least every other week, but I figured that SURELY once a month would be a realistically attainable goal.
Hi, it's now almost Halloween. How're y'all doing?
For my part, I'm doing considerably better than I have been. I finally started seeing a therapist, and while that's been expensive, it's been damn well worth it. I have managed to get some much-needed perspective on my life, on Mom and Hal and Henchgirl and everything that's all been jumbled up inside for years and years. For my whole life, in some cases. I'm finally starting to feel like I can actually WRITE about Mom and Dad again without having a nervous breakdown. Progress!
I've also started taking meds. I remember, the last time I went down to a Rudes party, I told badmagic that I was going on meds, and he frowned, saying something like "Really, you? I mean, if anyone has legitimate external reasons to be depressed, it's you!" Honestly, that's what I also thought for a long time. I had so many logical, understandable reasons to feel anxiety and depression that it hadn't occurred to me that I might be mentally ill.
Looking back on it, though, I think I've always struggled with anxiety and depression. I just structured my life in such a way that I managed to insulate myself against most stressors. The mental illness was always there, but I had managed to live in such a way that I didn't have to deal with stressful situations, largely due to my Mom's willingness to take on all adult responsibility for me even into my 20's. To paraphrase Steve Martin in L.A. Story, I was constantly consumed by anxiety, but I'd never realized it because I was so relaxed all of the time!
It's a testament to how bad it's gotten for me that even my therapist--who prefers a holistic approach--eventually realized that I needed to be on meds before I could really progress. Two months later, I'm finally starting to feel a bit more like my old self. Suddenly, I don't feel crippled by the very prospect of doing something as basic as buying a new dryer, or getting an estimate for a new heat pump. I still haven't DONE those things, but little by little, I'm actually getting things done. And hell, look at me, I'm actually writing a new LJ entry! Hi, everyone!
One of the biggest reasons that I needed to finally get my act together was so I could be there for my son. Back in Spring, we learned that Hal is somewhere on the Autism spectrum, and it's been a bit of a roller coaster trying to figure out what that means for us as a family. He's been attending a special Pre-K program, which has been great for him, and he's been showing good progress since then, but we do still worry about him. What kind of life will he have? Will he be able to take care of himself? When will he even be able to finally talk clearly with us? It's a lot to think about, and everything about him keeps using up most of my spoons each day.
I wrote about Hal to my brother, since I thought it'd be great to keep up an e-mail correspondence with him lest we drift apart any further than we already have. It was greatly discouraging to read his reply, whereupon he suggested that I go to Mom for help. I'd thought that he'd understood the extent to which we simply cannot have her in our lives, and I know he means well, that we shouldn't be so quick to turn down the "experienced" help of someone was close by and overly willing to help, but there's just no way that can happen. No way in hell. Maybe if we lived all the way on the opposite coast like Edd does, rather than a mere half hour away from her, then maybe, MAYBE we could have some kind of relationship. But for a myriad of reasons, there no way that can happen now.
Right now, I'm just thinking about the immediate future of my immediate family. This weekend, I'm going to bring Hal down to meet the kids of some of my friends back home. I'm a bit nervous about how Hal will manage the three hour drive both ways, and I don't know how he'll react to everyone else's kids. I'm frankly terrified that he'll have a meltdown and not even want to leave the car! But it's worth the trouble to find out. Those friends are the kind of support I welcome right now, the kind I need, not the toxic kind offered by Mom. It's the kind Hal also needs, which I wish he had access to out here in frickin' Delaware. Hopefully everyone will have a good time.
Okay, that's more than enough to start with as a catch-up post. Hope the few of you still reading this have been well! And hopefully, I'll be back here again before too long.
Hi, it's now almost Halloween. How're y'all doing?
For my part, I'm doing considerably better than I have been. I finally started seeing a therapist, and while that's been expensive, it's been damn well worth it. I have managed to get some much-needed perspective on my life, on Mom and Hal and Henchgirl and everything that's all been jumbled up inside for years and years. For my whole life, in some cases. I'm finally starting to feel like I can actually WRITE about Mom and Dad again without having a nervous breakdown. Progress!
I've also started taking meds. I remember, the last time I went down to a Rudes party, I told badmagic that I was going on meds, and he frowned, saying something like "Really, you? I mean, if anyone has legitimate external reasons to be depressed, it's you!" Honestly, that's what I also thought for a long time. I had so many logical, understandable reasons to feel anxiety and depression that it hadn't occurred to me that I might be mentally ill.
Looking back on it, though, I think I've always struggled with anxiety and depression. I just structured my life in such a way that I managed to insulate myself against most stressors. The mental illness was always there, but I had managed to live in such a way that I didn't have to deal with stressful situations, largely due to my Mom's willingness to take on all adult responsibility for me even into my 20's. To paraphrase Steve Martin in L.A. Story, I was constantly consumed by anxiety, but I'd never realized it because I was so relaxed all of the time!
It's a testament to how bad it's gotten for me that even my therapist--who prefers a holistic approach--eventually realized that I needed to be on meds before I could really progress. Two months later, I'm finally starting to feel a bit more like my old self. Suddenly, I don't feel crippled by the very prospect of doing something as basic as buying a new dryer, or getting an estimate for a new heat pump. I still haven't DONE those things, but little by little, I'm actually getting things done. And hell, look at me, I'm actually writing a new LJ entry! Hi, everyone!
One of the biggest reasons that I needed to finally get my act together was so I could be there for my son. Back in Spring, we learned that Hal is somewhere on the Autism spectrum, and it's been a bit of a roller coaster trying to figure out what that means for us as a family. He's been attending a special Pre-K program, which has been great for him, and he's been showing good progress since then, but we do still worry about him. What kind of life will he have? Will he be able to take care of himself? When will he even be able to finally talk clearly with us? It's a lot to think about, and everything about him keeps using up most of my spoons each day.
I wrote about Hal to my brother, since I thought it'd be great to keep up an e-mail correspondence with him lest we drift apart any further than we already have. It was greatly discouraging to read his reply, whereupon he suggested that I go to Mom for help. I'd thought that he'd understood the extent to which we simply cannot have her in our lives, and I know he means well, that we shouldn't be so quick to turn down the "experienced" help of someone was close by and overly willing to help, but there's just no way that can happen. No way in hell. Maybe if we lived all the way on the opposite coast like Edd does, rather than a mere half hour away from her, then maybe, MAYBE we could have some kind of relationship. But for a myriad of reasons, there no way that can happen now.
Right now, I'm just thinking about the immediate future of my immediate family. This weekend, I'm going to bring Hal down to meet the kids of some of my friends back home. I'm a bit nervous about how Hal will manage the three hour drive both ways, and I don't know how he'll react to everyone else's kids. I'm frankly terrified that he'll have a meltdown and not even want to leave the car! But it's worth the trouble to find out. Those friends are the kind of support I welcome right now, the kind I need, not the toxic kind offered by Mom. It's the kind Hal also needs, which I wish he had access to out here in frickin' Delaware. Hopefully everyone will have a good time.
Okay, that's more than enough to start with as a catch-up post. Hope the few of you still reading this have been well! And hopefully, I'll be back here again before too long.