how i'm positively numb
And positively in the sense that it's not the worst feeling in the world. Anything with a bit of self-righteous anger involved in it never can be the worst feeling in the world. Anger is not a self-loathing emotion. It energizes. Sadness, melancholy, loneliness, heartache--all those are enervating, to use the word of a guy I met yesterday who keeps calling me but freaks me out a little too much to pursue. But anger... anger energizes. You can't be exhaustedly angry. Anger can exhaust you, but what remains is energizes, buzzing with the afterglow of a triumphantly angry rant or thought process or stream of consciousness bit of writing.
So I'm angry. And numb to all the moodiness and sadness and wistfulness that I've felt so much of lately. Because I made a decision tonight. I'm severing ties. I'm not doing it in the hopes that people will miss me and come running back because my absence in their lives is too much to bear--that never works. That's what I tried to do with Stephen, and it certainly has not proved successful. Francesca--another thread I'm snipping--asked me back when I meant something to her whether I would take him back if he asked for another chance right now, and I answered her, then, that yes, I would. I don't think I would now. I hope my self-respect would sustain me enough to refuse him.
It's very important to honestly maintain my open-mindedness. I refuse to let them have gotten to me so much that it has closed me off to someone truly good and oriented towards my identity, someone who has not come into my life yet but who may/will in the future. I want to believe in love, in healthy relationships. It's in my nature. But it is hard, when I've had such piss-poor experiences with them thus far, and my mother--who, as much as I deny it, is very similar to me--is 50 years old and alone, for all intents and purposes. And the women in my family all hate men, have been spurned by them, and the men in my family aren't that much better.
For example, this guy I met last night. Friended me on facebook, wrote on my wall. Probably won't see him ever again, but he seemed decent enough and I am open to the possibility of being surprised. It would make sense if it did, even if it is unlikely, seeing as that he's new blood, from outside this incestuous cesspool of people I wade through on campus.
God, bitter much?
I love it.
So I'm angry. And numb to all the moodiness and sadness and wistfulness that I've felt so much of lately. Because I made a decision tonight. I'm severing ties. I'm not doing it in the hopes that people will miss me and come running back because my absence in their lives is too much to bear--that never works. That's what I tried to do with Stephen, and it certainly has not proved successful. Francesca--another thread I'm snipping--asked me back when I meant something to her whether I would take him back if he asked for another chance right now, and I answered her, then, that yes, I would. I don't think I would now. I hope my self-respect would sustain me enough to refuse him.
It's very important to honestly maintain my open-mindedness. I refuse to let them have gotten to me so much that it has closed me off to someone truly good and oriented towards my identity, someone who has not come into my life yet but who may/will in the future. I want to believe in love, in healthy relationships. It's in my nature. But it is hard, when I've had such piss-poor experiences with them thus far, and my mother--who, as much as I deny it, is very similar to me--is 50 years old and alone, for all intents and purposes. And the women in my family all hate men, have been spurned by them, and the men in my family aren't that much better.
For example, this guy I met last night. Friended me on facebook, wrote on my wall. Probably won't see him ever again, but he seemed decent enough and I am open to the possibility of being surprised. It would make sense if it did, even if it is unlikely, seeing as that he's new blood, from outside this incestuous cesspool of people I wade through on campus.
God, bitter much?
I love it.