Just Because I'm Paranoid Don't Mean They're Not Dying
Published the first chapter of a new fanfic today. I was under the influence of Nirvana at the time, so people might scream at me for not being fluffy enough, or something like that. Well, I'm sure they'll find a reason to scream at me.
When I was little I thought that if I concentrated hard on all the horrible possibilities of a situation that worried me, everything would be ok. I literally thought that if I imagined my family's slow, painful death as we crashed and fell off of the Bay Bridge and into the water, we wouldn't crash. I'm still not convinced that it doesn't work. In the most benign of situations, a sense of worry will creep into me and I'll try to picture all of the heart-wrenching, painful things that could be happening to whoever I'm worrying about. Then a voice of reason (or is it?) will tell me I'm being silly, and that everything's ok. But then I get scared that if I don't imagine how awful it could be, something bad will happen. And the same thing happens all over again. Which is where I'm at right now, because Ara's had the same away message up for over 26 hours straight, and I'm a touch worried. Well, a touch worried by my standards. Freaked out for the rest of you.
I guess I'm crazy enough to be brilliant, but that still doesn't mean that I am. I'm probably not. I'm also aware that most people think that they're crazier than they really are. But most of them probably don't seriously consider whether or not their neurotic impulses and strange, seemingly crazy rituals really are right in the end, and that they really do keep some things from happening, or make things happen. Maybe I really do control the outcome of situations with my powerful imagination, or maybe I'm just creating these things in my head to feel as though I'm in control of something, so that fear doesn't dissolve me on the spot. The fact that I can't decide which is what scares me.
Maybe, in the end, I really just need to get laid. Of course, that's been corrupted with paranoia, too... Maybe, then, in the end, I don't need anything, because nothing is good.
Maybe I've been listening to Nirvana too much?
When I was little I thought that if I concentrated hard on all the horrible possibilities of a situation that worried me, everything would be ok. I literally thought that if I imagined my family's slow, painful death as we crashed and fell off of the Bay Bridge and into the water, we wouldn't crash. I'm still not convinced that it doesn't work. In the most benign of situations, a sense of worry will creep into me and I'll try to picture all of the heart-wrenching, painful things that could be happening to whoever I'm worrying about. Then a voice of reason (or is it?) will tell me I'm being silly, and that everything's ok. But then I get scared that if I don't imagine how awful it could be, something bad will happen. And the same thing happens all over again. Which is where I'm at right now, because Ara's had the same away message up for over 26 hours straight, and I'm a touch worried. Well, a touch worried by my standards. Freaked out for the rest of you.
I guess I'm crazy enough to be brilliant, but that still doesn't mean that I am. I'm probably not. I'm also aware that most people think that they're crazier than they really are. But most of them probably don't seriously consider whether or not their neurotic impulses and strange, seemingly crazy rituals really are right in the end, and that they really do keep some things from happening, or make things happen. Maybe I really do control the outcome of situations with my powerful imagination, or maybe I'm just creating these things in my head to feel as though I'm in control of something, so that fear doesn't dissolve me on the spot. The fact that I can't decide which is what scares me.
Maybe, in the end, I really just need to get laid. Of course, that's been corrupted with paranoia, too... Maybe, then, in the end, I don't need anything, because nothing is good.
Maybe I've been listening to Nirvana too much?