Your Hand In Mine (Goodbye)
It's a beautiful day and all I can think about when I look outside is how your arms used to provide the warm embrace I now get from only the sun.
I feel myself forgetting you; I feel your light going out like a cloud covering the sun.
I don't want to forget. I'm grasping at the memories, desperately trying to remember what you smelled like, what you felt like as you stirred in your sleep, your body pressed up against mine, what warmth your eyes held as you looked into mine. I'm desperately trying to remember what love was like for me. Because it was love. Real and true.
I have typed and deleted sentence after sentence, trying to define what love was exactly. All I can come up with is that love was you and me. Love was the light in your eyes, the music in your laughter. I have almost forgotten what it was like with you. I can't forget. If I do, I will truly no longer know love. My heart has become incapable of feeling or giving love. Do I even have a heart? Sometimes I put my hand to my chest and heave a sigh of relief as I feel the steady beat of my (dare I say it?) heart.
I am happy enough knowing that what we had was real. I am happy knowing that we wrote such an amazing chapter together, and I can only hope that my chapter in your book will be bookmarked, dogeared, as yours will be in mine; revisited and reread until the pages wear out like those in an old book.
It's the 10th of October and today would have been our fourth year. How things have changed. I am very happy now, not any more or less than when I was with you, just a very different kind of happy. I really like where I am. I know you are very happy too, and that is how I know leaving us behind was the right thing to do. I have grown so much as a person, and I have found my own way and my own happiness, all by myself. Perhaps the only thing that (ironically) bugs me is the almost complete inability to care about anything anymore. Maybe that's a good thing, since I feel nothing but happiness.
I gave you my all. I hope you know that if you had never left, I would have never put our light out. I would have never given you up for anything or anyone, and I would have chosen you, over anyone and anything, every single time. I was sure to tell you every single day how much I loved you, I made sure of that. Maybe somewhere inside me I knew this would end someday, and I had hoped that you would walk away knowing that. I loved you with everything that I had, and I can say with all my heart that I am content; I have no regrets.
The sun is setting and rain is falling. It's still a beautiful day. This time when the sun dips below the horizon, it will take with it all the light you've ever given me. I write this not with a heavy heart, nor with a deep longing for the past. I write this with simple gratitude. It's been over two months and not once have I let my emotions show; not once did I tell you how I felt. These are the first words I've written for you to read since you left, and these are the last words I will ever write about you. This is the last page. This is my closure.
Four years ago you told me to take a leap of faith with you, and I am infinitely grateful that I did. Thank you.
I feel myself forgetting you; I feel your light going out like a cloud covering the sun.
I don't want to forget. I'm grasping at the memories, desperately trying to remember what you smelled like, what you felt like as you stirred in your sleep, your body pressed up against mine, what warmth your eyes held as you looked into mine. I'm desperately trying to remember what love was like for me. Because it was love. Real and true.
I have typed and deleted sentence after sentence, trying to define what love was exactly. All I can come up with is that love was you and me. Love was the light in your eyes, the music in your laughter. I have almost forgotten what it was like with you. I can't forget. If I do, I will truly no longer know love. My heart has become incapable of feeling or giving love. Do I even have a heart? Sometimes I put my hand to my chest and heave a sigh of relief as I feel the steady beat of my (dare I say it?) heart.
I am happy enough knowing that what we had was real. I am happy knowing that we wrote such an amazing chapter together, and I can only hope that my chapter in your book will be bookmarked, dogeared, as yours will be in mine; revisited and reread until the pages wear out like those in an old book.
It's the 10th of October and today would have been our fourth year. How things have changed. I am very happy now, not any more or less than when I was with you, just a very different kind of happy. I really like where I am. I know you are very happy too, and that is how I know leaving us behind was the right thing to do. I have grown so much as a person, and I have found my own way and my own happiness, all by myself. Perhaps the only thing that (ironically) bugs me is the almost complete inability to care about anything anymore. Maybe that's a good thing, since I feel nothing but happiness.
I gave you my all. I hope you know that if you had never left, I would have never put our light out. I would have never given you up for anything or anyone, and I would have chosen you, over anyone and anything, every single time. I was sure to tell you every single day how much I loved you, I made sure of that. Maybe somewhere inside me I knew this would end someday, and I had hoped that you would walk away knowing that. I loved you with everything that I had, and I can say with all my heart that I am content; I have no regrets.
The sun is setting and rain is falling. It's still a beautiful day. This time when the sun dips below the horizon, it will take with it all the light you've ever given me. I write this not with a heavy heart, nor with a deep longing for the past. I write this with simple gratitude. It's been over two months and not once have I let my emotions show; not once did I tell you how I felt. These are the first words I've written for you to read since you left, and these are the last words I will ever write about you. This is the last page. This is my closure.
Four years ago you told me to take a leap of faith with you, and I am infinitely grateful that I did. Thank you.
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