Contemplation
so i just finished this really good book for english theory yesterday....it got me to thinking.
there's an assumed affair between the main character's husband and her friend and all the things she talked about reminded me of everything my mom told me a year ago, as well as in the last 2 months. anyway, hearing/reading it from another person's experience/POV just made it all the more real to me, the possibility of that same thing happening in any relationship, the possibility of it happening in mine.
it's hard to explain....it's just scary to think about how very likely it could happen, and there's really no stopping it or knowing beforehand whether or not it will. how am i supposed to trust someone with all that...i don't know if i can, not wholly at least. i know there'll always be some inkling of that thought in my head. it's so frustrating because i know i didn't have it before. i know i didn't. and now, because of the divorce or just everything that's happened since it started, i am not confident in myself or in what could come.
from thinking all this my fear seems somewhat irrational, or like being scared of driving because i could crash, die...etc. but it's not, not quite at least. putting so much trust into one person, just one, with everything that you think, fear, love...it's like being completely vulnerable and believing that you'll be perfectly fine. you can't be that vulnerable to everyone, you have some sort of control...or illusion of it.
i don't know. it's just incredibly scary...and trying to pinpoint how/where this fear all started is frustrating.
pete told me that the thought will almost always be there, that there's really no way of getting around it, and i see that.
i just pray that it's not a big part of my life. bleh.
there's an assumed affair between the main character's husband and her friend and all the things she talked about reminded me of everything my mom told me a year ago, as well as in the last 2 months. anyway, hearing/reading it from another person's experience/POV just made it all the more real to me, the possibility of that same thing happening in any relationship, the possibility of it happening in mine.
it's hard to explain....it's just scary to think about how very likely it could happen, and there's really no stopping it or knowing beforehand whether or not it will. how am i supposed to trust someone with all that...i don't know if i can, not wholly at least. i know there'll always be some inkling of that thought in my head. it's so frustrating because i know i didn't have it before. i know i didn't. and now, because of the divorce or just everything that's happened since it started, i am not confident in myself or in what could come.
from thinking all this my fear seems somewhat irrational, or like being scared of driving because i could crash, die...etc. but it's not, not quite at least. putting so much trust into one person, just one, with everything that you think, fear, love...it's like being completely vulnerable and believing that you'll be perfectly fine. you can't be that vulnerable to everyone, you have some sort of control...or illusion of it.
i don't know. it's just incredibly scary...and trying to pinpoint how/where this fear all started is frustrating.
pete told me that the thought will almost always be there, that there's really no way of getting around it, and i see that.
i just pray that it's not a big part of my life. bleh.