Q
so, a lot's been going on in my head lately...
i feel, somehow... overwhelmed and anxious and inadequate all at once. i have to make some decisions, some real decisions very soon about what direction i want to go in. not necessarily the decisions themselves... but about where i will be making them. i know on one hand, it's sad... i should have a better idea of what i want to do by now. on the other hand i don't have to be sure of anything... but i do have to do something. i can't just keep living at home.
and i can't shake this feeling that my parents don't want me there. as hard as they are making it for me to leave... i don't feel like they want to support me anymore. not that they do really... i pay for everything pretty much... i guess i'm just frustrated. i got a long better with them living in nc, and now this thing where i'm starting to dislike everything they do is starting again. i don't want to hate my parents. that's why i need out.
i either need a car or an apartment - neither of which i can afford... or i need to live in dorms at a school i really like... which is another problem of mine.
i was going to slippery rock, but now that i'm not going for teaching, i apparently don't have a good argument in my parents eyes for going to a 'party' school. just because it's reported that way doesn't mean every other school isn't the same, or that i don't have a choice. one mistake and i'm branded forever in their eyes. i guess it wasn't one mistake. i screwed up in nc. but you know what? i learned. but they don't believe me because they 'can't tell'. and i don't feel like proving myself to them. i don't have to answer to them the rest of my life.
and if they bring up grove city one more time... i'm tierd of hearing it. no. i will fail out of that school. end of story. i know how much work you need to do - and i know how much i'm used to doing. granted, i'd like a challenge... but work and mental challenge are 2 different things. i do like my mom's suggestion of pitt... for genetics. and possibly some other things. but i can't afford pitt. nor do i like the idea of going to a school that big. i dunno. i change my mind too much to commit four years to anything. except maybe theatre...
which brings me to the play. one of the best i've ever seen at sharpsville. evan's acting was brilliant. the king came alive onstage for me. ashley was in her element during "shall i tell you what i think of you" and she was absolutely the picture of anna. i felt her characters emotion... she's come so far since she was my little lovesick kitchen maid... :P DANNY... who knew?!? where have you been the last 4 years? your voice has so much potential you had better not stop working with it!! really i wish arsenic would have happened because you all would have been fantastic - especially you dan. if nothing else, mortimer helped you become the actor i saw onstsge saturday night. my little a.j. the little redhead who used to run around with me and my sisters in youth group and camp - you my dear, have the voice of an angel. i couldn't believe that beautiful sound was actually really happening there in front of me!! your talents are only beginning to unfold... i can't wait to see(and hear) more in the years to come!! the sets were amazing, the ballet was mesmerizing, and of course... it was great to see my little sister dressed up like she was actually going to spear someone :P
it was rough... being backstage again... wanting to help, wanting to put on makeup, wanting to sing along to rent... wanting to do everything. last year wasn't as bad - i had plays of my own. but this year... being back home... i wanted to go back, back to those days. but they're gone. i know that... but it all came back, just for a second. i had this brief longing for it. not just theatre. but this theatre. liz asked me last year to help her with this musical, with the vocals... i knew it would never happen.. but i guess that's part of the reason i wanted it so badly. i miss it tremendously. i feel lost when i'm not in the theare i guess. not that i'm that good at it... i just need it.
kind of like i need people. and i don't know when the last time i actually talked to someone about stuff that really matters to me was. i ... well nevermind. i guess i don't have time. dave's out of class... so i should go... gotta get home and get back to work. you know. that thing i do ALL the time now? yeah i'll be at DQ tonight. but if you stop by... i probably wont be able to talk... it's been busy. so i'll get you ice cream, and smile, and say "hi, how are you?" "i'm fine" all the while wishing i had time to find someone who wanted to listen to me talk... just to have coffee with. but i'm busy. and so is everyone else. so you'll wave and get in your car and i'll serve the next person and nothing in my life will change.
i feel, somehow... overwhelmed and anxious and inadequate all at once. i have to make some decisions, some real decisions very soon about what direction i want to go in. not necessarily the decisions themselves... but about where i will be making them. i know on one hand, it's sad... i should have a better idea of what i want to do by now. on the other hand i don't have to be sure of anything... but i do have to do something. i can't just keep living at home.
and i can't shake this feeling that my parents don't want me there. as hard as they are making it for me to leave... i don't feel like they want to support me anymore. not that they do really... i pay for everything pretty much... i guess i'm just frustrated. i got a long better with them living in nc, and now this thing where i'm starting to dislike everything they do is starting again. i don't want to hate my parents. that's why i need out.
i either need a car or an apartment - neither of which i can afford... or i need to live in dorms at a school i really like... which is another problem of mine.
i was going to slippery rock, but now that i'm not going for teaching, i apparently don't have a good argument in my parents eyes for going to a 'party' school. just because it's reported that way doesn't mean every other school isn't the same, or that i don't have a choice. one mistake and i'm branded forever in their eyes. i guess it wasn't one mistake. i screwed up in nc. but you know what? i learned. but they don't believe me because they 'can't tell'. and i don't feel like proving myself to them. i don't have to answer to them the rest of my life.
and if they bring up grove city one more time... i'm tierd of hearing it. no. i will fail out of that school. end of story. i know how much work you need to do - and i know how much i'm used to doing. granted, i'd like a challenge... but work and mental challenge are 2 different things. i do like my mom's suggestion of pitt... for genetics. and possibly some other things. but i can't afford pitt. nor do i like the idea of going to a school that big. i dunno. i change my mind too much to commit four years to anything. except maybe theatre...
which brings me to the play. one of the best i've ever seen at sharpsville. evan's acting was brilliant. the king came alive onstage for me. ashley was in her element during "shall i tell you what i think of you" and she was absolutely the picture of anna. i felt her characters emotion... she's come so far since she was my little lovesick kitchen maid... :P DANNY... who knew?!? where have you been the last 4 years? your voice has so much potential you had better not stop working with it!! really i wish arsenic would have happened because you all would have been fantastic - especially you dan. if nothing else, mortimer helped you become the actor i saw onstsge saturday night. my little a.j. the little redhead who used to run around with me and my sisters in youth group and camp - you my dear, have the voice of an angel. i couldn't believe that beautiful sound was actually really happening there in front of me!! your talents are only beginning to unfold... i can't wait to see(and hear) more in the years to come!! the sets were amazing, the ballet was mesmerizing, and of course... it was great to see my little sister dressed up like she was actually going to spear someone :P
it was rough... being backstage again... wanting to help, wanting to put on makeup, wanting to sing along to rent... wanting to do everything. last year wasn't as bad - i had plays of my own. but this year... being back home... i wanted to go back, back to those days. but they're gone. i know that... but it all came back, just for a second. i had this brief longing for it. not just theatre. but this theatre. liz asked me last year to help her with this musical, with the vocals... i knew it would never happen.. but i guess that's part of the reason i wanted it so badly. i miss it tremendously. i feel lost when i'm not in the theare i guess. not that i'm that good at it... i just need it.
kind of like i need people. and i don't know when the last time i actually talked to someone about stuff that really matters to me was. i ... well nevermind. i guess i don't have time. dave's out of class... so i should go... gotta get home and get back to work. you know. that thing i do ALL the time now? yeah i'll be at DQ tonight. but if you stop by... i probably wont be able to talk... it's been busy. so i'll get you ice cream, and smile, and say "hi, how are you?" "i'm fine" all the while wishing i had time to find someone who wanted to listen to me talk... just to have coffee with. but i'm busy. and so is everyone else. so you'll wave and get in your car and i'll serve the next person and nothing in my life will change.