Watch out for the aids!
This story may seem disjointed...but it's pretty close to my actual experience the other night.
My wife and a friend of hers were at a concert near Philly. I drove them and, luckily enough, there was a movie theater right down the street. I went and saw The Kingdom which, all in all, was a good flick. That was over before 10 though and I figured their concert wouldn't be ending until at least 11, so I grabbed a ticket to Resident Evil: Extinction for 10pm.
I go upstairs to the theaters and pass by a guy in a wheelchair. He stops me and asks me to go get the manager because the movie (the Brave One) isn't playing. I figure I'll be nice to the guy with one leg and walk back down to get someone. I bring them up and hear the following exchange:
Wheelchair guy: "The movie hasn't started."
Manager: "Do you have a ticket?"
WG: "I bought one for 8 o'clock and want to watch it again."
M: "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
Then all I hear is cursing until I walk in the door to my theater. I think it's empty but as soon as the door shuts, the only other person in there turns around to look at me and shouts "Watch out for the aids!"
I'm in for an interesting experience.
He points to the screen and says "You see this shit right here? This shit is real. Those zombies....man. It's just like aids. Spreading around the world like the zombie apocolypse. You gotta watch out for the aids!"
I'm scared. I'm in a not-so-nice part of Philly late at night stuck in a theater with a crazy person. I want to leave, but I don't want to get shot. I figure that I'll be nice and stay and not try to run and anger him. He seems like he's in a good mood and I don't want to change that.
Back to the movie for now.
There's a scene in the movie where someone gets their head sliced off by a laser. This greatly amused my movie going buddy. Again he turns to me and says "That's my shit right there! You seen the other Resident Evil movies?"
I reply "only the first one."
"Man, you gotta see the second one. I was watching Showtime last night and they played 2001 Maniacs. You ever seen that one?"
"Nope."
"Oh you gotta see that one. There's some crazy shit there. It's got that Freddy Krueger guy in it. But this," as he points to the screen, "this is some real shit. You think stuff like this doesn't happen for real, but it does. Just like the aids. Aids is just like this zombie shit. Somebody made these zombies and somebody made aids and now we're spreading it to our loved ones...our babies. It's a damn shame. You like zombie movies?"
"Yeah."
"What's your favorite?"
"Shaun of the Dead, " I said, figuring that he wouldn't have heard of it.
"Oh, damn. My boy was telling me about that the other day and now you mention it. I gotta see that. Let me move back so we can talk."
Please don't, I thought, but he does anyway.
"What's your name?" he asks.
"Jay."
"Nice to meet you Jay. I'm D-Nice."
His breath smacks me in the face and I smell Colt 45 and marijuana. Great.
There's a scene with Mila Jovovich in the shower which excites D-Nice. "Damn that girl is fine. You ever see the 5th Element? She was fine in that. What was her name in that? Lelo...leela...leelu? Whatever. That bitch is fine. Mila Javafish. That's her. She looks like Angela Jolly [Angelina Jolie for the non-drunk]. What kind of movies do you like?"
"Pretty much any kind."
"What's your favorite movie? You gotta let me know so I know what I can talk about."
"The Evil Dead movies."
"Oh shit man! I got those! I got the one with the skin and the book. You know the book? That creepy ass book with the teeth and stuff?"
"I have that too," I reply. "I'm a big fan." Maybe he won't kill me.
"Actually, I don't have it right now. My girlfriend has it. That bitch took my movies. I had like 450 dvds and she stole 200 of them. I gotta get them back. I called her the other day and said 'Bitch, I want my stuff.' She told me to f**k off. I said I'd give her $200 to let me come get it and she said ok. I gotta go over there this weekend. You married? Got a girlfriend? Boyfriend?"
"I've got a wife."
"Where she at? Why you here alone?"
"She's at the concert down the street with a friend."
"Awww man. Why didn't you call your girlfriend? I know you got one. How old are you?"
"30 and I only have the wife," I said as I wonder if I even really need to respond to his questions.
"30? You're too young to be married. I'm 44 and have 7 kids. I married this lady with 5 kids and 2 are my own from some other woman. My wife kicked me out but now were back together. If you can find a woman that will lick you from head to toe and eat out your asshole and you can kiss all over her body...you better hold onto her. That's something special. You ever had your ass licked?"
I want to puke. "Nope."
"Awww man. You gotta. It's amazing. You gotta go for her clit though. Do that and she'll love you forever"
He stops and turns back to look at the screen for the first time in a long time and watches the movie for a few seconds before making sexual comments about Ashanti that I can't recall. He didn't mention butt licking though. That was nice.
D-Nice turns to me and continues "I work for a contractor in Philly and we just finished a job. My boss gave me a $1000 bonus so I came out to the movies to celebrate. We the only people in here. I should call some hos." He pulls out his cell and starts mumbling into it. I doubt anyone is on the other end.
"My wife asked me if I was coming home for dinner. I said Hell naw. I'll see her tomorrow. I'm gonna finish watching the movie [yeah right] and go over to my buddies house to get some smoke smoke, get high and pass out until Wednesday. You know what I mean?" and he nudges me. "You smoke weed?"
"Nope. No drugs, no alchohol. It's not my thing."
"That's cool man. I got no problem with that. I don't even care that you're white. We're all the same blood. We're all red on the inside."
Oh crap he's going to skin me alive.
"Like them zombies up there. If that happens for real, I'm going to hole up inside my house with some guns. I ain't gonna be stupid like the movie people. I'll defend my family. I just hope they're like the old zombies...all slow and shit. These new zombies are smart. Look at that one. He's quick. They ain't stupid anymore."
Does he think this is a documentary?
"I read somewhere that cancer is in everyone and that in some people it just 'turns on.' That's some deep shit. This stuff is just waiting to kill us. This shit is real. This stuff happens. Nobody is paying attention. Me and my buddies get high and have these deep conversations about this same shit. Aids is scary. Cancer is scary. Zombies...man I hate zombies. What do you do for work?"
Huh? From aids to zombies to cancer back to zombies to work?
"I work with computers."
"That's cool. You do websites? I got ideas for websites. I got one I'm trying to do where I connect people with services," he says with a kind of wink.
"My buddy does website setup but I need someone to make it. You interested?"
He senses my skepticism and assures me that nothing is illegal. "My stuff is legit. It's win-win-win. All my ideas are gold."
"I don't do website stuff." A lie, but I want to end this line of questioning.
"Where you work?"
"In King of Prussia." Another lie, but closer to the truth.
"For who?"
"uhh..."
"Just make something up. Aww. Nevermind. Can I get your number? Nah forget that. I'll give you my number. OH SHIT DID YOU SEE THAT!"
Thankfully the movie distracted him even if only momentarily.
Even more thankfully, my wife texted me to let me know that the concert was almost over. D-Nice heard the phone beep and I said I had to go.
"Why don't you bring the women back here? I'll pay for them to get in. We'll party tonight."
"No thanks. I gotta get her friend home and it's a long drive and I have to get to work in the morning."
"We'll let me at least give you my number."
Damn, I hoped he had forgotten. I pulled out my cell and pressed random keys as he blurted out his number.
I said my goodbye and he insisted on shaking my hand. "Have a good one D," I said.
"Nice meeting you man. Tell the wife hello."
As I walked back to the door, D-Nice yelled out to me "Watch out for the aids!"
I made it to the hallway before running.
From the 2 minutes of the movie that I saw...I might watch the rest.
I may not have gotten to watch the movie, but it was the best 9.75 I had spent at a theater in quite a while.
My wife and a friend of hers were at a concert near Philly. I drove them and, luckily enough, there was a movie theater right down the street. I went and saw The Kingdom which, all in all, was a good flick. That was over before 10 though and I figured their concert wouldn't be ending until at least 11, so I grabbed a ticket to Resident Evil: Extinction for 10pm.
I go upstairs to the theaters and pass by a guy in a wheelchair. He stops me and asks me to go get the manager because the movie (the Brave One) isn't playing. I figure I'll be nice to the guy with one leg and walk back down to get someone. I bring them up and hear the following exchange:
Wheelchair guy: "The movie hasn't started."
Manager: "Do you have a ticket?"
WG: "I bought one for 8 o'clock and want to watch it again."
M: "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
Then all I hear is cursing until I walk in the door to my theater. I think it's empty but as soon as the door shuts, the only other person in there turns around to look at me and shouts "Watch out for the aids!"
I'm in for an interesting experience.
He points to the screen and says "You see this shit right here? This shit is real. Those zombies....man. It's just like aids. Spreading around the world like the zombie apocolypse. You gotta watch out for the aids!"
I'm scared. I'm in a not-so-nice part of Philly late at night stuck in a theater with a crazy person. I want to leave, but I don't want to get shot. I figure that I'll be nice and stay and not try to run and anger him. He seems like he's in a good mood and I don't want to change that.
Back to the movie for now.
There's a scene in the movie where someone gets their head sliced off by a laser. This greatly amused my movie going buddy. Again he turns to me and says "That's my shit right there! You seen the other Resident Evil movies?"
I reply "only the first one."
"Man, you gotta see the second one. I was watching Showtime last night and they played 2001 Maniacs. You ever seen that one?"
"Nope."
"Oh you gotta see that one. There's some crazy shit there. It's got that Freddy Krueger guy in it. But this," as he points to the screen, "this is some real shit. You think stuff like this doesn't happen for real, but it does. Just like the aids. Aids is just like this zombie shit. Somebody made these zombies and somebody made aids and now we're spreading it to our loved ones...our babies. It's a damn shame. You like zombie movies?"
"Yeah."
"What's your favorite?"
"Shaun of the Dead, " I said, figuring that he wouldn't have heard of it.
"Oh, damn. My boy was telling me about that the other day and now you mention it. I gotta see that. Let me move back so we can talk."
Please don't, I thought, but he does anyway.
"What's your name?" he asks.
"Jay."
"Nice to meet you Jay. I'm D-Nice."
His breath smacks me in the face and I smell Colt 45 and marijuana. Great.
There's a scene with Mila Jovovich in the shower which excites D-Nice. "Damn that girl is fine. You ever see the 5th Element? She was fine in that. What was her name in that? Lelo...leela...leelu? Whatever. That bitch is fine. Mila Javafish. That's her. She looks like Angela Jolly [Angelina Jolie for the non-drunk]. What kind of movies do you like?"
"Pretty much any kind."
"What's your favorite movie? You gotta let me know so I know what I can talk about."
"The Evil Dead movies."
"Oh shit man! I got those! I got the one with the skin and the book. You know the book? That creepy ass book with the teeth and stuff?"
"I have that too," I reply. "I'm a big fan." Maybe he won't kill me.
"Actually, I don't have it right now. My girlfriend has it. That bitch took my movies. I had like 450 dvds and she stole 200 of them. I gotta get them back. I called her the other day and said 'Bitch, I want my stuff.' She told me to f**k off. I said I'd give her $200 to let me come get it and she said ok. I gotta go over there this weekend. You married? Got a girlfriend? Boyfriend?"
"I've got a wife."
"Where she at? Why you here alone?"
"She's at the concert down the street with a friend."
"Awww man. Why didn't you call your girlfriend? I know you got one. How old are you?"
"30 and I only have the wife," I said as I wonder if I even really need to respond to his questions.
"30? You're too young to be married. I'm 44 and have 7 kids. I married this lady with 5 kids and 2 are my own from some other woman. My wife kicked me out but now were back together. If you can find a woman that will lick you from head to toe and eat out your asshole and you can kiss all over her body...you better hold onto her. That's something special. You ever had your ass licked?"
I want to puke. "Nope."
"Awww man. You gotta. It's amazing. You gotta go for her clit though. Do that and she'll love you forever"
He stops and turns back to look at the screen for the first time in a long time and watches the movie for a few seconds before making sexual comments about Ashanti that I can't recall. He didn't mention butt licking though. That was nice.
D-Nice turns to me and continues "I work for a contractor in Philly and we just finished a job. My boss gave me a $1000 bonus so I came out to the movies to celebrate. We the only people in here. I should call some hos." He pulls out his cell and starts mumbling into it. I doubt anyone is on the other end.
"My wife asked me if I was coming home for dinner. I said Hell naw. I'll see her tomorrow. I'm gonna finish watching the movie [yeah right] and go over to my buddies house to get some smoke smoke, get high and pass out until Wednesday. You know what I mean?" and he nudges me. "You smoke weed?"
"Nope. No drugs, no alchohol. It's not my thing."
"That's cool man. I got no problem with that. I don't even care that you're white. We're all the same blood. We're all red on the inside."
Oh crap he's going to skin me alive.
"Like them zombies up there. If that happens for real, I'm going to hole up inside my house with some guns. I ain't gonna be stupid like the movie people. I'll defend my family. I just hope they're like the old zombies...all slow and shit. These new zombies are smart. Look at that one. He's quick. They ain't stupid anymore."
Does he think this is a documentary?
"I read somewhere that cancer is in everyone and that in some people it just 'turns on.' That's some deep shit. This stuff is just waiting to kill us. This shit is real. This stuff happens. Nobody is paying attention. Me and my buddies get high and have these deep conversations about this same shit. Aids is scary. Cancer is scary. Zombies...man I hate zombies. What do you do for work?"
Huh? From aids to zombies to cancer back to zombies to work?
"I work with computers."
"That's cool. You do websites? I got ideas for websites. I got one I'm trying to do where I connect people with services," he says with a kind of wink.
"My buddy does website setup but I need someone to make it. You interested?"
He senses my skepticism and assures me that nothing is illegal. "My stuff is legit. It's win-win-win. All my ideas are gold."
"I don't do website stuff." A lie, but I want to end this line of questioning.
"Where you work?"
"In King of Prussia." Another lie, but closer to the truth.
"For who?"
"uhh..."
"Just make something up. Aww. Nevermind. Can I get your number? Nah forget that. I'll give you my number. OH SHIT DID YOU SEE THAT!"
Thankfully the movie distracted him even if only momentarily.
Even more thankfully, my wife texted me to let me know that the concert was almost over. D-Nice heard the phone beep and I said I had to go.
"Why don't you bring the women back here? I'll pay for them to get in. We'll party tonight."
"No thanks. I gotta get her friend home and it's a long drive and I have to get to work in the morning."
"We'll let me at least give you my number."
Damn, I hoped he had forgotten. I pulled out my cell and pressed random keys as he blurted out his number.
I said my goodbye and he insisted on shaking my hand. "Have a good one D," I said.
"Nice meeting you man. Tell the wife hello."
As I walked back to the door, D-Nice yelled out to me "Watch out for the aids!"
I made it to the hallway before running.
From the 2 minutes of the movie that I saw...I might watch the rest.
I may not have gotten to watch the movie, but it was the best 9.75 I had spent at a theater in quite a while.