Transfusion

[thegreatmagoo]

I don't really understand my state of mind these days. Much of what I am thinking is constantly changing in such a way that I can no longer hold a definitive opinion. Crew, interests, academics, feelings, and emotions are no longer stable for me. I can't pin down any of it. I can't make up my mind if I want to keep with crew, and go through the Olympic Dream, or at least try for it. All I know is that when I am on water, it kind of all melts away. When I am on water, that is all I can think about. But, there are so many reasons that I want to stop. The mornings, the soreness, the time management issues all erase any feeling of elation. It is within these constraints that I differentiate myself from everyone else. I want to become a doctor, and crew is turning into a way for me to be different. I hate that I can no longer go out and row for the sake of fitness or fun especially since I know that in the back of my mind I am doing this solely for Med School.

I can't sort out if I have feelings for people here, or whether it is only due to how often I am around them. I want to be happy, but I can't. Every time I have a chance to be happy with everything, my mind warps everything. I hate being indecisive. I hate that I can't control what is going around me.

I over-analyze to a pathological extent, freak-out when things go slightly out of order, worry compulsively about the future, try to control the uncontrollable, ignore the blatant, and refuse to allow myself to feel a pure emotion without first denying its hold on me.

What is wrong with me?