(no subject)
Things go up and down. Right now they are up.
Sean is great. He is...everything I should want. He treats me unbelievably kind. I trust him. he is loyal. He is creative. He is attentive. He is supportive.
Pat damaged me so badly that when Sean says incredibly meaningful, heartfelt things to me. My mind does not let me believe him, often I dismiss them without a response. I don't feel like I am willing to let myself feel any sort of emotional "magic" between someone in fear of hurt, or just becuase I simply do not believe them.
This is extremely unfair to me and to Sean, but I do love him. It is just very different since I began dating him when I was still deeply depressed about Pat internally. (That being said, Pat was the opposite of loyal, kind, attentive, trustful towards the end and he does not deserve the effort I put into being sad over him)
--
Also, I feel completely disconnected from school. I am tired. I am drained. I dont want to do it anymore, and my move from MCC to Kean has been painful. I am struggling daily to get myself to go to class. I am torn thinking about what the point of having this degree is. Is it worth the amount of financial debt i'm accumulating daily? Where is a BFA going to get me in the grand scheme of my career when i'm already making more money than I would in any kind of position related to my field. I just want to move on from this Chapter. I don't want to feel hopeless.
Sean is great. He is...everything I should want. He treats me unbelievably kind. I trust him. he is loyal. He is creative. He is attentive. He is supportive.
Pat damaged me so badly that when Sean says incredibly meaningful, heartfelt things to me. My mind does not let me believe him, often I dismiss them without a response. I don't feel like I am willing to let myself feel any sort of emotional "magic" between someone in fear of hurt, or just becuase I simply do not believe them.
This is extremely unfair to me and to Sean, but I do love him. It is just very different since I began dating him when I was still deeply depressed about Pat internally. (That being said, Pat was the opposite of loyal, kind, attentive, trustful towards the end and he does not deserve the effort I put into being sad over him)
--
Also, I feel completely disconnected from school. I am tired. I am drained. I dont want to do it anymore, and my move from MCC to Kean has been painful. I am struggling daily to get myself to go to class. I am torn thinking about what the point of having this degree is. Is it worth the amount of financial debt i'm accumulating daily? Where is a BFA going to get me in the grand scheme of my career when i'm already making more money than I would in any kind of position related to my field. I just want to move on from this Chapter. I don't want to feel hopeless.