Step 1?
Today I reached out to a telehealth platform for depression.
I don't know if they'll be able to help me or give me what I need, but it's a step, one that lets me try to handle this on my terms.
I don't have my licence yet for the US as that's just another round of hoops and hassles (this becoming a US transplant has been nothing but hoops and hassles). What this means is I'm at the mercy of my husband for transportation to anywhere for anything. Not his fault, but it severely limits my ability to handle stuff on my own. And as a hyper-independent person, one can see how this doesn't sit well with me.
I suspect this lack of control over several areas of my world are most likely contributing to my current mental health state. I don't have control over the finances, I don't have the ability to go where I need, when I need for even such things as grocery shopping or dropping off mail. I'm not being forcibly held in captivity, and I know if I ask to go somewhere, my Love would gladly take me (and has), but I'm not used to that. At all.
I really hope the telehealth option I chose will be able to get me what I need / want. I'd really like to be able to handle this one on my own - well, not on my own, but in my control - no needing to go to my husband to take me to doctors or having to try and schedule around his work/sleep schedule (he gets up for work at 2am, so it's a factor). I miss feeling like I have some semblance of control over my life.
Anyway... got a little off topic there.
The other thing I've reinstated is my "mirror statements." A little CBT therapy tool where you say one positive statement about yourself and don't allow any detractors/negative self comments about it. It's not easy because the big D is very good at clapping back at anything self-positive you might think or say with a tear down comment. That's part of why it's important to allow yourself to say the good thing AND not allow room for clapback. It works. Slowly, but it works.