Life is like a Tyson-Holyfield fight. It bites you only because you're winning.
So, today started out being the best day I've had in a long time. But ended up culminating in me feeling the worst I've felt in a long while. I don't know why. But coming home to my dad's house, alone, on a Friday was incredibly depressing. I actually cried when Lucy dropped me off. I was so scared of just being home alone with the stepfamily and dad when I wanted to be out with Ben and Lucy or anyone. I don't know why I got so emotional, but I did. I only got to spend like 10 minutes with Ben although I spent a lovely 3 or so hours with the Lucy. But just being here is making me feel horrible about everything including myself. I think I'm having a mental break down. And school isn't helping. Every second I feel frustrated and tense and worthless. It's hard to come home and have one hour of a real life, then go try and nap and then off to drivers ed without food, and then back home again to do nothing but homework for the next four hours. If that made sense to you, you know me that little bit better than I thought. But lately, everything has been a struggle. It's hard to do anything and everything. My insomnia is coming back in full force. My anxiousness and social-anxiety, which I thought I had gottne rid of during the summer when I met so many new incredible faces, has also come back to haunt me. I feel very scared right now I really can't see myself standing another minute here.
If anyone would like to change my shitty fucking night, call the cell. 281 785 2511.
Oh, and one thing that was good about coming home: I found that Tamara added me. That made me feel good.
Another thing, English is fucking impossible with Thornton. She expects things that cannot happen. I would drop that class in a fucking instant if it weren't for the fact that I love writing. Not essays, no. But about good things and life and thoughts. I want to learn how to write good. And writing isn't really the ONLY reason I put up with that shit. I need to get into a good college. I worry that having this class will get me somewhere in the end. I think I could see myself as a writer. But I have not a talented bone in my body. Nor a likeable one as I found out more and more everyday.
Blarg, I really hate being here. I want to go somewhere, but nowhere to go to. I feel like I could walk for miles and still go for more. But I'd be walking nowhere.
All week, I had been excited about Friday. And now I wish I could rewind a few hours and enjoy my happy parts of today over again. Having lunch with Suzy, getting a good grade in English, being included by John and Brian, driving and driving, finding Animal Cracker Lane, Sno cones, Mexican casa, emo pictures, Eckerd's madness, seeing Jason, letting my feelings and thoughts loose, going to Kroger, and driving around with the lovely Ben for a whole of 15 minutes.
Today was good. Now is bad. I should never set expectations again. I would really appreciate if anyone just called. I don't care if you don't want to do anything with me. I'd just love to talk to someone.. I am ignored in this shit hole. I hate this house and I love it. I love it because I can stay out late and have fun. But when I'm not out late or having fun, this place can be the worst place I've ever experienced.
If anyone would like to change my shitty fucking night, call the cell. 281 785 2511.
Oh, and one thing that was good about coming home: I found that Tamara added me. That made me feel good.
Another thing, English is fucking impossible with Thornton. She expects things that cannot happen. I would drop that class in a fucking instant if it weren't for the fact that I love writing. Not essays, no. But about good things and life and thoughts. I want to learn how to write good. And writing isn't really the ONLY reason I put up with that shit. I need to get into a good college. I worry that having this class will get me somewhere in the end. I think I could see myself as a writer. But I have not a talented bone in my body. Nor a likeable one as I found out more and more everyday.
Blarg, I really hate being here. I want to go somewhere, but nowhere to go to. I feel like I could walk for miles and still go for more. But I'd be walking nowhere.
All week, I had been excited about Friday. And now I wish I could rewind a few hours and enjoy my happy parts of today over again. Having lunch with Suzy, getting a good grade in English, being included by John and Brian, driving and driving, finding Animal Cracker Lane, Sno cones, Mexican casa, emo pictures, Eckerd's madness, seeing Jason, letting my feelings and thoughts loose, going to Kroger, and driving around with the lovely Ben for a whole of 15 minutes.
Today was good. Now is bad. I should never set expectations again. I would really appreciate if anyone just called. I don't care if you don't want to do anything with me. I'd just love to talk to someone.. I am ignored in this shit hole. I hate this house and I love it. I love it because I can stay out late and have fun. But when I'm not out late or having fun, this place can be the worst place I've ever experienced.