l'caso che amor, del mi, del teue, et le cose di cui successo inbetween sono alle mani delle fate
just in case i wasn't clear before
i am in love.
Atlantic City and meeting the family was good to me. Was good for me.
The sadness of Daniel's family's loss this afternoon makes the memories of waking up in the hotel with him this morning feel like days ago.
I want him to be happy. There is nothing I can do for him or them except pray that their grief be consoled and that from this tragedy comes a positive. he said that he doesnt see that side of the family as much as he would like. although the situation is indeed awful, perhaps itll bring the family together. i know that they would give that togetherness back in a heartbeat to have their little boy back but as the reality is, that is the best that can be hoped for to come out of it all.
so sad.
is it wrong to be glad that i met his family before it happened? i guess i just feel glad that i met them then bc this way i know how they are when they are in good spirits, as it seems it may be some time before his family will be in such a happy state again. daniel's poor mother. to bury a grandchild. devastating.
i was watching ugly better this evening. it was the latest episode on how Daniel Meade is trying to get back to Molly, his late wife, through that wacked out cult he got sucked into. Daniel and Molly's story always breaks my heart. And when I was watching i thought, what if i lost him? what if he wasnt there anymore. just for whatever reason. what would i do? and usually when im thinking of something sad and hypothetical like that i can feel sad and think of what i'd do and how i'd react, but when i thought about it with him, and this isnt the first time, i actually couldn't comprehend it. like... i don't know how i would get over that.
i'm young so i suppose i could. but these things eat at me. everytime i have a loss or big tragedy it takes a part of me with it. and there have been a lot in my short lifetime. something like that might just take most of me away.
i'm losing my breath just thinking about this.
if anything ever happened to my daniel.
uh uh.
i have no idea.
i have no idea what i'd do.
it starts to make me try to remember if he is even real. cause i cant even react to the thought of him not being there, that i wonder if i even love him as much as i say. and then i realzie i do because the second that it starts to sink it the wind is knocked out of me and i have to snap out of it bc i might lose it.
its like that awful dream i had the other day about him being in the army, then the minute he got out i was deployed, and knowing that it was certain death/impossible to come home in that awful quicksand-like snowy tundra, that i'd never see him again. thats why i woke up crying.
i have some serious daddy/abandonment issues.
hence all those dreams. lke the one the day before the military one where he was high with all those girls in his room and i just couldnt seem to figure out a way to get up there.
i always have these dreams that the person i care about is going to leave me, or die, or deceive me.
remember that awful dream with teddy dying in the coffin sitting up and all that?
or back in the day when i drempt greg pretended to not know me and kept letting me fall down on the bus?
i think i have such a(n irrational) fear of losing the person i care about that it manifests in these absolutely devastating dreams.
now that i'm starting to realize that he really does care about me as much as he says. for real. the thing i worry about is not his optional leaving, but something tragic, unplanned or forced to happen to end things.
he told me this morning, im his forever, and then when i looked at him wide eyed with surprise at that last word "forever" he said, or until you do something really stupid or leave me.
i wonder what he sees this as? where he sees this going?
he introduced me to his entire family for god's sake.
he spent the night with me in a hotel during his family's weekend vacation.. with his their knowledge.
i guess he really does like me.
its such a strange thing to get my head around.
he's so gorgeous. in every way. i know i say that to him alot but i hope he knows i mean more than just his face. he's just beautiful. he's a wonderful person. mature but silly enough. a gentleman but knows how to play rough. he takes his time and pays attention to everything. his laugh. oh gosh his laugh. i always used to hear in movies and books how a guy loves someones laugh, that they have a nice laugh or compare it t something wonderful. i always thought that was cheesy and impossible to enjoy the way someone laughed. but its true. his laugh is probably one of my favorite (its impossible for me to pick just one) things about him. its just so... perfect. idk how to describe it. its like, when something i do or say makes him laugh it sounds so spontaneous. or maybe im so shocked he finds things i say funny that it sounds that way because i never expect him to enjoy anything i say. but idk even still, even if i anticipate it, his laugh always gets me. i know this sounds so cheesy, a whole paragraph devoted to just the way some guy laughs. but i cant get over it. i just cant. and not just the way it is. but that its mine. that i get to hear it. yeah everyone else does too. but its still mine. my gosh i am crazy in love. like absolutely just in love with this guy. it hurts. its crazy. i d k what i would do if he didn't like me so much back, if this feeling i had was just one sided i think i might be lovesick. but the fact that he is crazy back just makes me balanced out. just barely, but it does the trick. geezus i am the luckiest girl. he is wonderful. god dont let me screw this up.
his laugh. oh gosh. its the best sound in the world. i am afraid i won't be hearing it for some time though. i wish i could do something to make him less sad. he'll be okay.
so if it wasn't clear the last few times i wrote.
and if it wasn't clear at the beginning of this entry
let me clear it up for you:
i
am
in
love
with
my
b
i am in love.
Atlantic City and meeting the family was good to me. Was good for me.
The sadness of Daniel's family's loss this afternoon makes the memories of waking up in the hotel with him this morning feel like days ago.
I want him to be happy. There is nothing I can do for him or them except pray that their grief be consoled and that from this tragedy comes a positive. he said that he doesnt see that side of the family as much as he would like. although the situation is indeed awful, perhaps itll bring the family together. i know that they would give that togetherness back in a heartbeat to have their little boy back but as the reality is, that is the best that can be hoped for to come out of it all.
so sad.
is it wrong to be glad that i met his family before it happened? i guess i just feel glad that i met them then bc this way i know how they are when they are in good spirits, as it seems it may be some time before his family will be in such a happy state again. daniel's poor mother. to bury a grandchild. devastating.
i was watching ugly better this evening. it was the latest episode on how Daniel Meade is trying to get back to Molly, his late wife, through that wacked out cult he got sucked into. Daniel and Molly's story always breaks my heart. And when I was watching i thought, what if i lost him? what if he wasnt there anymore. just for whatever reason. what would i do? and usually when im thinking of something sad and hypothetical like that i can feel sad and think of what i'd do and how i'd react, but when i thought about it with him, and this isnt the first time, i actually couldn't comprehend it. like... i don't know how i would get over that.
i'm young so i suppose i could. but these things eat at me. everytime i have a loss or big tragedy it takes a part of me with it. and there have been a lot in my short lifetime. something like that might just take most of me away.
i'm losing my breath just thinking about this.
if anything ever happened to my daniel.
uh uh.
i have no idea.
i have no idea what i'd do.
it starts to make me try to remember if he is even real. cause i cant even react to the thought of him not being there, that i wonder if i even love him as much as i say. and then i realzie i do because the second that it starts to sink it the wind is knocked out of me and i have to snap out of it bc i might lose it.
its like that awful dream i had the other day about him being in the army, then the minute he got out i was deployed, and knowing that it was certain death/impossible to come home in that awful quicksand-like snowy tundra, that i'd never see him again. thats why i woke up crying.
i have some serious daddy/abandonment issues.
hence all those dreams. lke the one the day before the military one where he was high with all those girls in his room and i just couldnt seem to figure out a way to get up there.
i always have these dreams that the person i care about is going to leave me, or die, or deceive me.
remember that awful dream with teddy dying in the coffin sitting up and all that?
or back in the day when i drempt greg pretended to not know me and kept letting me fall down on the bus?
i think i have such a(n irrational) fear of losing the person i care about that it manifests in these absolutely devastating dreams.
now that i'm starting to realize that he really does care about me as much as he says. for real. the thing i worry about is not his optional leaving, but something tragic, unplanned or forced to happen to end things.
he told me this morning, im his forever, and then when i looked at him wide eyed with surprise at that last word "forever" he said, or until you do something really stupid or leave me.
i wonder what he sees this as? where he sees this going?
he introduced me to his entire family for god's sake.
he spent the night with me in a hotel during his family's weekend vacation.. with his their knowledge.
i guess he really does like me.
its such a strange thing to get my head around.
he's so gorgeous. in every way. i know i say that to him alot but i hope he knows i mean more than just his face. he's just beautiful. he's a wonderful person. mature but silly enough. a gentleman but knows how to play rough. he takes his time and pays attention to everything. his laugh. oh gosh his laugh. i always used to hear in movies and books how a guy loves someones laugh, that they have a nice laugh or compare it t something wonderful. i always thought that was cheesy and impossible to enjoy the way someone laughed. but its true. his laugh is probably one of my favorite (its impossible for me to pick just one) things about him. its just so... perfect. idk how to describe it. its like, when something i do or say makes him laugh it sounds so spontaneous. or maybe im so shocked he finds things i say funny that it sounds that way because i never expect him to enjoy anything i say. but idk even still, even if i anticipate it, his laugh always gets me. i know this sounds so cheesy, a whole paragraph devoted to just the way some guy laughs. but i cant get over it. i just cant. and not just the way it is. but that its mine. that i get to hear it. yeah everyone else does too. but its still mine. my gosh i am crazy in love. like absolutely just in love with this guy. it hurts. its crazy. i d k what i would do if he didn't like me so much back, if this feeling i had was just one sided i think i might be lovesick. but the fact that he is crazy back just makes me balanced out. just barely, but it does the trick. geezus i am the luckiest girl. he is wonderful. god dont let me screw this up.
his laugh. oh gosh. its the best sound in the world. i am afraid i won't be hearing it for some time though. i wish i could do something to make him less sad. he'll be okay.
so if it wasn't clear the last few times i wrote.
and if it wasn't clear at the beginning of this entry
let me clear it up for you:
i
am
in
love
with
my
b