we all go to sleep in the same place and in the morning hope we're all the same
i have to pretend they don't exist in order to not fall apart.
and when i have to face them and acknowledge they are real
i have to pretend that the things that happened with them never occurred in order to not fall apart.
i have to pretend that the things that happened never happened in order to not be angry.
because when i think about it
i get angry.
and i'd be angry all the time if i didn't do this.
i think we all do this do an extent. a form of just "letting it go". (OIBBMTGD)
i suppose.
I guess this is what it is, for me. Letting things go, for me.
But i'm clearly not letting anything go.
In order to not be angry all the time I pretend that these guys* don't exist, that they never hurt me.
I don't regret anything.
I never have regrets.
Everything happens for reasons beyond my comprehension. I accept that.
It frustrates me to no end. It pisses me off. It makes me angry. It makes me miserable.
But I accept that.
I've always accepted that.
I have to pretend that these things never happened to be able to breathe.
I have to pretend that things never happened to not be angry every second of the day.
I have to pretend that these things never happened so I'm not humiliated, constantly.
But I know they did.
And when I think about it
I get angry.
Really
really angry.
*guys -- i almost said men but they haven't acted like men. and i can't call someone i've had any sexual encounters with a "boy" so they have been reduced to simply "guys". simple. males.
You stole.
They stole.
And so,
I stole.
Cyclic.
I pretend that in July of 2006 I didn't get drunk and wear my heart on my sleeve and humiliate myself in front of Leone thus ending my first love.
Because if not every(single)time I saw Leone, and anyone who witnessed that...basically my whole support system...I would burn in shame.
I pretend that Paul never dicked me over for her and rubbed it in my face and kept our friendshp a secret for all these years.
Because if not everytime he ran to me when they were having a fight I would spit in his face.
I pretend that Greg and I were officially boyfriend and girlfriend and that he actually cared about me more than just a temporary fix.
Because if not I would have fallen apart at the seams April 16th 2007.
I pretend that I never slept with Matt on New Years.
Because if not I would be filled with disgust for myself for doing something so completely pointless and out of character.
I pretend that what happened between Eddy and I in Seaside was all just a crazy alcohol induced night.
Because if not I would feel abused and used and have to hate him forever. And hatng someone is an exhausting awkward process.
I pretend that the first Ed never existed and when I have to see him in person I pretend that I don't know who he is.
Because if not I would cringe out of my skin.
I pretend that Ken is miserable with his girlfriend.
Because if not... well, nevermind, he probably is.
I pretend that Teddy regrets his decision to ditch me and is just a stoner loser.
Because if not I would feel ridiculous heartbroken and pathetic every single time I hear that name. (which by the way, I still do. But i switch my brain off of the topic as soon as i start to dwell).
I pretend that I am the shit and beautiful and full of creative ideas that will one day work out and get me somewhere great in life.
Because if not I'd never leave my bedroom and have dropped out of college 2 years ago.
Then the sky opens up
and starts pouring rain
like He knew that it was time
to start things over again
It's alright
Ya
It's alright
It's easier
that way.
Jesse, you may only have cobwebs in your brain... but those spiders spin the most beautiful and hauntingly poetic webs i've ever had the privelege of which i've gotten tangled.
wonder if he'll be considered a lyrical genius in the future?
why doesn't anyone i know sleep? are they all just scared of their dreams?
when they lay their heads down at night, what are they haunted by?
why wouldn't anyone just close their eyes? would it hurt them just rest for awhile?
Well I've tried, oh god knows that i've tried.
And our cars stuck, on the train crossing.
I wanna burn down everything i've begun
I wanna kill it
Eat my young.
and when i have to face them and acknowledge they are real
i have to pretend that the things that happened with them never occurred in order to not fall apart.
i have to pretend that the things that happened never happened in order to not be angry.
because when i think about it
i get angry.
and i'd be angry all the time if i didn't do this.
i think we all do this do an extent. a form of just "letting it go". (OIBBMTGD)
i suppose.
I guess this is what it is, for me. Letting things go, for me.
But i'm clearly not letting anything go.
In order to not be angry all the time I pretend that these guys* don't exist, that they never hurt me.
I don't regret anything.
I never have regrets.
Everything happens for reasons beyond my comprehension. I accept that.
It frustrates me to no end. It pisses me off. It makes me angry. It makes me miserable.
But I accept that.
I've always accepted that.
I have to pretend that these things never happened to be able to breathe.
I have to pretend that things never happened to not be angry every second of the day.
I have to pretend that these things never happened so I'm not humiliated, constantly.
But I know they did.
And when I think about it
I get angry.
Really
really angry.
*guys -- i almost said men but they haven't acted like men. and i can't call someone i've had any sexual encounters with a "boy" so they have been reduced to simply "guys". simple. males.
You stole.
They stole.
And so,
I stole.
Cyclic.
I pretend that in July of 2006 I didn't get drunk and wear my heart on my sleeve and humiliate myself in front of Leone thus ending my first love.
Because if not every(single)time I saw Leone, and anyone who witnessed that...basically my whole support system...I would burn in shame.
I pretend that Paul never dicked me over for her and rubbed it in my face and kept our friendshp a secret for all these years.
Because if not everytime he ran to me when they were having a fight I would spit in his face.
I pretend that Greg and I were officially boyfriend and girlfriend and that he actually cared about me more than just a temporary fix.
Because if not I would have fallen apart at the seams April 16th 2007.
I pretend that I never slept with Matt on New Years.
Because if not I would be filled with disgust for myself for doing something so completely pointless and out of character.
I pretend that what happened between Eddy and I in Seaside was all just a crazy alcohol induced night.
Because if not I would feel abused and used and have to hate him forever. And hatng someone is an exhausting awkward process.
I pretend that the first Ed never existed and when I have to see him in person I pretend that I don't know who he is.
Because if not I would cringe out of my skin.
I pretend that Ken is miserable with his girlfriend.
Because if not... well, nevermind, he probably is.
I pretend that Teddy regrets his decision to ditch me and is just a stoner loser.
Because if not I would feel ridiculous heartbroken and pathetic every single time I hear that name. (which by the way, I still do. But i switch my brain off of the topic as soon as i start to dwell).
I pretend that I am the shit and beautiful and full of creative ideas that will one day work out and get me somewhere great in life.
Because if not I'd never leave my bedroom and have dropped out of college 2 years ago.
Then the sky opens up
and starts pouring rain
like He knew that it was time
to start things over again
It's alright
Ya
It's alright
It's easier
that way.
Jesse, you may only have cobwebs in your brain... but those spiders spin the most beautiful and hauntingly poetic webs i've ever had the privelege of which i've gotten tangled.
wonder if he'll be considered a lyrical genius in the future?
why doesn't anyone i know sleep? are they all just scared of their dreams?
when they lay their heads down at night, what are they haunted by?
why wouldn't anyone just close their eyes? would it hurt them just rest for awhile?
Well I've tried, oh god knows that i've tried.
And our cars stuck, on the train crossing.
I wanna burn down everything i've begun
I wanna kill it
Eat my young.