audio- open
So. Get this: story time.
[There's a weird sort of sucking sound followed by a pitched sizzle that degrades as she continues. It sounds delicious, like bacon frying.]
When I was fourteen, I went to a house party at a friend's. I was a pissy little shit, but I was responsible; my Gran knew I drank, fuckin' hated it, but I guess she thought it was either that or early pregnancy.
Whatever. I would always get a ride home with a designated driver, always.
Rule of the house was 'be home before she got up for work.' This was usually just fine.
[Thock! Hissss....What is she cooking? If you happen to be near Marj's burnt-out little ramshackle kitchen, you'll be smelling the most heavenly smells...]
It's 4:50 in the morning, right? I'm so goddamn drunk that I'm supporting my body by sliding along a wall, looking for my ride. I go from room to room, mumbling "Mike...Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiike???" [She laughs] Still no Mike. I at one point thought I'd found the little jackass, and half trot half fall along the wall. Little did I know that there was a door on that wall- so I fell on my ass and took a little nap.
[It's like...roasted marshmallows? Thock-hissssss! Have any of you ever been this hungry?]
I wake up at 5:12, I'm pretty screwed up, so I crawl around, stumble out into the hall, slide some more. I ask the only other conscious person in the room if they know where the fuck Mike is. Mike left nearly 2 hours ago.
Thanks for tellin' me, douche!
So I get it in my head that I should walk home. Yeah, it ain't that far, but I can't even fuckin' stand without the help of a wall. So off I go- not my brightest leap, but I was only thinkin' about getting the fuck home before Gran woke up. An' I'm walking for about half an hour when I see it, the most beautiful damn thing I ever saw.
[There is a pause, meant to be dramatic.]
Twenny-four hour grocery store. You ever seen one of these things? Even when the whole world is dark, it's still open, like a goddamn beacon of hope. Singin' angels and all. So yeah, I go in, and I'm hungry. Gran's forgotten and I'm trying to figure out how to cook fish sticks in the customer service lane.
Then I see what I've wanted to eat for my entire life, since about six seconds before that: Marshmallow Fluff
So I buy the fluff.
And I'm walking home, it's a windy night. I'm scratching my nose, eating fluff off my fingers, brushing hair out of my face. I get home before Gran wakes up and for some fuckin' idiotic reason I decide to climb the gate rather than go in through the front door. And I can't leave the fluff on the sidewalk- it's too damn delicious, it doesn't deserve that. Naturally I drop the shit and it shatters when I fall on top of it. Glass everywhere.
[A ringing, scraping noise, then more sizzle, much lower this time.] So I get in, and I pass out in bed. I wake up half an hour later when Gran looks in to see me as she leaves and screams bloody murder.
I mean, Christ, why wouldn't she? I'm covered in blood and bits of glass and my face and arms are covered in what looks like semen, but you know what? That was the best damn fluff I have ever eaten in my entire life.
Anyway, I found like six jars of the shit. Who wants fried fluffcakes?
[There's a weird sort of sucking sound followed by a pitched sizzle that degrades as she continues. It sounds delicious, like bacon frying.]
When I was fourteen, I went to a house party at a friend's. I was a pissy little shit, but I was responsible; my Gran knew I drank, fuckin' hated it, but I guess she thought it was either that or early pregnancy.
Whatever. I would always get a ride home with a designated driver, always.
Rule of the house was 'be home before she got up for work.' This was usually just fine.
[Thock! Hissss....What is she cooking? If you happen to be near Marj's burnt-out little ramshackle kitchen, you'll be smelling the most heavenly smells...]
It's 4:50 in the morning, right? I'm so goddamn drunk that I'm supporting my body by sliding along a wall, looking for my ride. I go from room to room, mumbling "Mike...Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiike???" [She laughs] Still no Mike. I at one point thought I'd found the little jackass, and half trot half fall along the wall. Little did I know that there was a door on that wall- so I fell on my ass and took a little nap.
[It's like...roasted marshmallows? Thock-hissssss! Have any of you ever been this hungry?]
I wake up at 5:12, I'm pretty screwed up, so I crawl around, stumble out into the hall, slide some more. I ask the only other conscious person in the room if they know where the fuck Mike is. Mike left nearly 2 hours ago.
Thanks for tellin' me, douche!
So I get it in my head that I should walk home. Yeah, it ain't that far, but I can't even fuckin' stand without the help of a wall. So off I go- not my brightest leap, but I was only thinkin' about getting the fuck home before Gran woke up. An' I'm walking for about half an hour when I see it, the most beautiful damn thing I ever saw.
[There is a pause, meant to be dramatic.]
Twenny-four hour grocery store. You ever seen one of these things? Even when the whole world is dark, it's still open, like a goddamn beacon of hope. Singin' angels and all. So yeah, I go in, and I'm hungry. Gran's forgotten and I'm trying to figure out how to cook fish sticks in the customer service lane.
Then I see what I've wanted to eat for my entire life, since about six seconds before that: Marshmallow Fluff
So I buy the fluff.
And I'm walking home, it's a windy night. I'm scratching my nose, eating fluff off my fingers, brushing hair out of my face. I get home before Gran wakes up and for some fuckin' idiotic reason I decide to climb the gate rather than go in through the front door. And I can't leave the fluff on the sidewalk- it's too damn delicious, it doesn't deserve that. Naturally I drop the shit and it shatters when I fall on top of it. Glass everywhere.
[A ringing, scraping noise, then more sizzle, much lower this time.] So I get in, and I pass out in bed. I wake up half an hour later when Gran looks in to see me as she leaves and screams bloody murder.
I mean, Christ, why wouldn't she? I'm covered in blood and bits of glass and my face and arms are covered in what looks like semen, but you know what? That was the best damn fluff I have ever eaten in my entire life.
Anyway, I found like six jars of the shit. Who wants fried fluffcakes?