Falling
So I am trying to do well in school. I just am not really trying. When I think about it I do "want" to succeed. This want isn't perceivable in my actions though. ANYTHING seems more important or fun than doing wantz gotz to bez donez. I hate being so lazy but I procrastinate doing anything about it. I have a pretty good feeling that I have A.D.D but that dosen't explain or excuse my behavior in the past and to the present. Its not just a over diagnosed overly perscribed common disorder that is the reason why I suck. Its my own character flaws. Probally more of the problem is chopped up to my weaknesses instead of a disorder that technically I don't officially have anyway. I know this because plenty of people I know have it and do fine, I am not saying that its easy or that there is no difficulty but they do what needs to be done and progress. Meanwhile I stagnate, repeating that same shit.
This all comes from my school semester. (Also my social,professional, and personal life)
I got dropped from Mythology for not showing up. I didn't do one assignment because I got dropped before the first four weeks were over.
I am failing German. I have always had a problem with foreign language (failed spanish three times) but its not just that it is incredibly hard for me, its that I procrastinate, don't do work, don't show up and rationalize it away that "germans hard and I don't get foreign linguistics. Which is bullshit. I would do fine if I would just do the work and invest the time.
Then my J O B. I like it mostly but sometimes them bitches get on my fucking nerves, I can generally deal with it.
The pay sucks and it sucks big time when I get no fucking hours. I've got nothing recently, they "filled all their positions and theres no hours for on call" Thats an outright lie. Iv'e talked to the other fucking on-call employees and they are getting hours so it is just me or at least me and a few others. This means that my ass needs to get an additonal job or a brand new job that will replace. WHERE THE FUCK AM I GOING TO WORK? I don't want to fucking do fast food again. I did that shit for 3 yrs. I did it when I was 21 which is shameful. I cannot and will not do it at almost 23. Fuck that. Then on the other side...where the fuck am I gonna to work huh? I am not qualified for anything good paying and the only jobs I can get are demeaning AKA I will be treated like the scum of the earth. One just needs to got back into my history of posts and read a few to understand how much I hate no....loathe that shit.
The house is always dirty, I don't like it but I can deal with it (don't ask me why it dosen't bother me as much as others) Which makes Raven resent me and I get bitched at. Which is understandable because I work part time (or not at all) I go to school for 15 hours a week (generally less for being late all the fucking time or not going at all) and with all the extra time I hang out with friends and game (video,larp,TT, board) No fucking shit she is pissed she works full-time+ while going to school 7-10 Weds nights. Meanwhile her health and psyche is crumbling on her and what do I do nothing.
This is all hilarious when you look at it too because I have been given so many chances, execptions, help, and advantages.
My full rent was being paid for going to school full time and having a C average. Thats all I had to do: C average/ 12 units+
Nope fucked it up last semester. EVEN THEN i wasn't slapped down fully. Its now half my rent is being paid for as long as I keep the same standards. Nope fucking it up. A normal person would get scared and buckle down after the change.
My phone is being paid for as long as I am full time, my insurance is free as long as I am full time. Nope nope nope. "Fuck you I like sticking my dick in the blenderdon't try to bribe me to stop, I'll show you" *hits frappe* Its ridiculous. Expecially when you look at someone like Raven who would kill bitchez to have oppurtunity to go to school full time. Not me though. I'm just a spoiled fucking suburban kid with (realistically) not that much trauma or childhood problems to explain this behavior nor any current problems or wieght on my back to excuse it.
I hate being this useless/undependable.
I let down everyone in my life, which is funny because I try to be there for everyone and try to make them happy.