Mar 16, 2004 21:18
"The tides have turned." Nothing is as it seems." "The times they are a changin" and so on and so on...
I wanna say that my life is in shambles, but thats not the case. Although at times it really feels like that. My life is just changing and i dont want it to change. whether this change is for the better may take a lifetime to figure out. for those who dont know what im talking about, her name was jamie and it was supposed to be forever...
ive never had to cope with anything like this before. some people would say im pretty lucky for that. im not so sure if i agree. i would at least like to have some sort of past experience that would have prepared me for all of this. I had plans. big plans. not huge, because i never really planned on living a "huge" life. a full and comfortable life, yes, but not huge. anyway, that is all gone now and i have to start from scratch. its difficult to grasp how different my life is going to be. when something i thought was so certain just disappears, im left confused. ive always been one for thinking ahead. i had it all planned out. i dont think i ever told her, but it was all mapped out in my head. well to a certain degree ot was mapped out. i cant predict the future (not most of the time anyway). she was the foundation that i was building my life on. the keystone if you will. now that shes gone, the foundation that was once my life is in ruins. and only i can pick up the pieces. i dont know if im as strong of a person as i thought i was. it certainly doesnt seem to be that i am right now. i never thought i used anyone as a crutch, but apparently she helped me a lot more than i thought.
i stopped dreaming. im sure it has a lot to do with the fact that im suffering from insomnia once again. but even when i do sleep, i dont dream anymore. sleep used to be my great escape. last night i just layed in bed and tossed and turned until 4:30, when i had to get up for work. the whole night i just thought and thought and played the good life's black out album over and over in my head. now its one of the best albums ive heard in the past year, but its also extremely depressing.
since im on spring break i have a lot of free time on my hands. stupidly, ive spent a lot of that time looking through the collection of things from her. photos, letters, drawings, cards, clothes, mix tapes. i kept it all. it makes me so sad to think that no matter how badly you want something to work, sometimes it doesnt. ive never loved anyone like i loved jamie(i still love her but im going to pretend i stopped). she said the same about me. she says she still loves me and doesnt want tihs to happen but i guess it has to. she definately needs this now. i was holding her back. but this is so hard for me because i dont need this right now. i may need it a year down the road. i may never need it. i dont know. when we were together we always talked about running away. we had no destination in mind. we just knew we wanted to escape. i tihnk i know now that we wanted to run to different places. she wanted excitement and i wanted peace and relaxation. i hope she knows that i would have gone anywhere with her.
they say, "if its meant to be then youll be together sometime." i dont want to believe in meant to be. it makes me feel like im not in control of my life. that no matter how hard i try and no matter what i do. it would all be for nothing because i dont control it. shouldnt i be in control of my destiny? shouldnt i be the one to get her back if i choose to do so?
I was thinking about what im going to miss the most. i couldnt really come up with an answer. the idea of having a relationship and being in love is kind of a package deal. its all great. expect for the fights and the missing of the person and the inevitable heartbreak. but its all worth it. i suppose thats what ill miss most, the love. the fact that the person you love, loves you back. and when youre laying your head down on the pillow at night youre thinking about them and they do the same. and the sex. i cant pretend i wont miss the sex. i guess i can deal with her not being my girlfriend but i really have a difficult time dealing with her sharing her love with some other guy. the fact that im not the one shes going to be thinking about anymore. i dont get the hugs or kisses or late night phone calls or drunken text messages. its the stupid little things ill miss. the things i took for granted. im going to miss the way my life was. im going to miss being in love. im going to miss her.
now it seems that i can take my life in two directions. one, i can try and duplicate what i had with jamie with someone else. i dont know how i feel about that option right now. it took me 3 years to become as comfortable with jamie as i was. getting me to be comfortable is not an easy task. im very introverted, self concious and paranoid. that in itself makes finding a girlfriend extremely difficult. there is also the fact that i dislike 99% of the people i encounter. i suppose im getting ahead of myself. step one would be getting over your old girlfriend. im told time is the only way to get over something. does anyone have a time machine i can borrow? my second option is to shun women. not get involved with one for a very long time. i can travel the world, go anywhere i want and not have to worry about a thing, except dying alone. i always wanted to have an impact on the world. maybe not being involved with women is the way to do that. i actually have a tentative plan for what im going to do if this is the option i choose. and its going to blow minds when its finished. but its going to take a lot of self sacrifice and a lot of hard work. im not sure if i can handle it. either way i have a whole lot of thinking i have to do. even though no one reads this, any advice on the situation would be greatly appriciated. thank you to anyone who cared enough to read through this whole thing. peace and love.