(no subject)
MC Escher- Eye 1946 Mezzotint, 7th and final stage
Sometimes I fear that I will lose whatever creative talent that people credit to me. I think I am feeling pretty useless now, and my perfectionist character will not tolerate it, so I feel even worse. I don't deserve these hands to hold pencils when my brain cannot even think of anything to draw. And my paintings and sketches are downright horrendous. When I see the artworks of other people I can only envy their flair and wonder when I will ever have hands like them.
Perhaps, it is because my very passion is killing itself. I feel so helpless, I don't want to lose it, especially not now. I know that the road I dream to take is so risky and unstable. It might not even keep me independently alive, but then because art is my only interest there is no other back-up for me. Now I really admire youths who were willing to give up their comfort zones to experience life. What kind of courage was involved that they could put down everything they possessed to achieve their dreams? I want to know.
In Art Class I cannot see where I am going, and naturally my art is going nowhere. No, in fact it is going everywhere and I cannot catch up with my brain. So maybe my brain is good for something after all but that, again, is a flaw in itself. Everyone seems to have this concept, idea, train of thought, whatever and I am just wandering aimlessly in my internal haze. I don't want to lose this thing that I have. I guess I am selfish in this way.