District Thirteen [Tuesday, Fandom Time]
Wesley
Before stopping by the infirmary, Wesley had given some thought to what people generally gave loved ones in the hospital. Candy and balloons seemed a common theme, but they were utterly inappropriate for this. So as he walked in, Wesley set a single green rose on a bedside table. He thought it was best to stick with the classics.
"I don’t suppose you much want to talk right now," Wesley prefaced softly as he sank into the chair beside Katniss' bed. The top button of his shirt was undone, revealing the strip of gauze over the minor burns on his chest, but it was unintentional and he was far from wanting to call attention to anything having to do with himself. "Do you mind if I sit?"
Katniss
Katniss slid her gaze from the wall to Wesley, her expression unchanging. Her shoulders lifted in the smallest of shrugs, which was as much consent as she was willing to give at all right now.
She did notice his injuries, but she couldn't really focus on them. Not when her pain was so much bigger than everything else in her world.
Wesley
That was more than he'd expected to get out of her, and he gratefully sank into the chair next to her bed. "Er. Thank you."
There was a moment of silence, during which he had genuinely no idea what to say. He hadn't left time to plan it out before coming to see her, so caught up in coming to help that he hadn't considered just how he would manage it.
"I can't possibly fathom the extent of your grief," he finally said carefully, keeping his tone soft and as calming as he could make it. "It goes without saying that I'm -- I'm truly sorry for your loss. She was -- particularly special."
Katniss
"You didn't know her," Katniss said after a long, silent moment, her voice scratchy and barely above a whisper.
There wasn't any heat behind it. She didn't have any of that left. It was just true, and she just wanted people to let her sink away from life for now. Maybe forever.
Wesley
That was true, and it gave him a moment's pause as he tried to think of another way of putting this.
"No," he agreed softly. "No, I did not. But the way you saw her... I mean to say, it's evident how much you cared for her. I can't imagine you feeling so strongly about anyone who wasn't remarkable."
Was he helping? He wasn't sure that he was.
Katniss
"Well." Katniss wasn't feeling particularly charitable, or positive, or...anything. "It doesn't matter how remarkable she was. She's dead now."
Wesley
"Well." Wesley shifted uncomfortably. "I'm sorry for your loss. I don't suppose there's anything I could do? Even to just... just sit with you, or to leave you be, or ask the others not to stop by?"
He wanted to help. Really. He just... didn't know how.
Jaina
All things considered, Jaina knew she couldn't leave without seeing Katniss. This was her last stop before leaving for... well, she hadn't decided which of two options she was taking yet, but she'd worry about that when this visit was over.
She took a seat, trying to get a gauge of just how responsive Katniss was, and finally began with, "I'm so sorry."
Katniss
Katniss' gaze shifted to Jaina, which was about as much as she was willing to manage right now. Her look was a mix of exhaustion and disdain and sheer blankness. Why was Jaina sorry? She hadn't lost her sister. She hadn't even known anyone here. Why did she care? Why did anyone care?
Katniss didn't even care anymore. Her ability to had burned up along with Prim.
Jaina
The reaction, or lack thereof, wasn't a surprise to her at all. Actually, if she didn't talk, it might be easier for Jaina to get through what she wanted to say.
"I'm going to be leaving, but I wanted you to know..." This was turning out to be just as awkward as she'd expected, considering how very little she talked about it. "You're not alone in this. I at least have some idea of what you're going through right now."
She left it at that for now. Jaina remembered flipping out on Jag when he'd tried to reach out to her by telling her about losing two of his siblings in battle, and she wondered if it would get any sort of response out of Katniss.
Katniss
"Where?"
It wasn't much, but she did speak, her lips dry and voice quiet. She wasn't sure why Jaina had to leave right now. She didn't blame her -- she'd be far away now, too, if they weren't keeping her to kill Snow.
Jaina
"Where am I going? Home. Technically speaking, the Jedi don't know where I am," she admitted. "I have to explain where I've been, take my lumps."
And she did intend to go home right away. If she didn't, it was because she didn't think she would be able to give an explanation about what had happened here without feeling like she was looking damaged over something that had happened a decade ago.
Katniss
Katniss processed that, not really moving or showing any emotion. And really, with more people getting out of here, the better. Though somewhere, far away inside her, it actually did register that Jaina had disobeyed her own commands to come help. And that would be important to Katniss, someday.
"Okay."
Jaina
"I'm still going to be available, so if the time comes that you do want to talk," said she who probably deserved an award for repression, "you can always get a hold of me."
She paused, and added, "I know it probably really doesn't feel like it now, but you will be okay." Probably. If she accepted the support that she would undoubtedly be given, then definitely.
Katniss
Katniss just shrugged. She was pretty sure that was just what everyone was going to tell her -- that she would be fine, that this would pass.
She really didn't have any reason to believe that. Or really believe anything anymore.
Jaina
"I'm serious," Jaina said firmly. She debated whether to tell her this now, but she really did want to give Katniss a reason to maybe believe it would get better. "When I was eighteen, I was on a mission that went horrifically wrong, that led to my little brother being killed and my twin being presumed dead. That was ten years ago. I'm still standing, and you will be, too."
It was easier to say than she thought it would be.
Karla
Karla had been watching Katniss for awhile, watching her pull herself slowly away from everyone and everything. She allowed it for a little while; a little withdrawal was necessary for her to heal. Katniss couldn't focus on getting better when she was worrying about everyone else.
But they had gone beyond the point where this was healthy. And it was up to Karla to put an end to it.
"Enough of this," Karla said, striding over to Katniss's bed in the infirmary. "Time to rejoin the real world. Let's go."
Katniss
Katniss' blank stare shifted to Karla in disbelief.
No. She wasn't rejoining anything, or moving, or doing anything, and she -- she couldn't.
She didn't move.
Karla
"Don't look at me like you're stupid," Karla said briskly. "I know perfectly well you can hear me and comprehend the words coming out of my mouth. So stop lying there like a lump and get up. You have responsibilities and they're not being taken care of while you lie there."
Some of the other nurses in the infirmary were giving her scandalized looks. Karla ignored them. Her bedside manner was perfectly fine, thank you much. All the understanding and sympathy hadn't gotten Katniss up. Karla would.
She had several cards up her sleeve that should do the trick. And that didn't even count what she could do with Craft.
Katniss
Katniss stared at her, something burning up below the surface of her pain. Something was pressing at her -- she'd been repressing it, but now it was coming out, in full force, and it was directed at Karla.
Fury.
Katniss wasn't one to swear, generally. Not unless she was in physical pain, or startled. But the rules had all sort of flown out the window, anyway.
"Fuck off," she growled, her throat still not recovered from the burns she'd sustained.
Karla
"Make me," Karla said, lounging against the wall near Katniss's bed. She looked utterly unconcerned about the rage in her friend's voice. "I dare you."
Katniss
"No," Katniss said, her voice scratching out of her, a mix of sharp anger and overwhelming grief, now that she wasn't sinking anymore. "No, go away, Karla. You don't -- you don't understand. Leave me alone."
Karla
"You're right," Karla said easily. "You're going through something completely new and unique. No one has ever lost anyone before. No one's ever known grief before. You're a special fucking snowflake and no one can ever understand the depths of your pain."
She leaned over to catch Katniss's eyes, staying out of grabbing range. She knew full well she was playing a dangerous game, here. "Funny, though. If no one else has ever known a grief as deep and all-encompassing as yours, then why are you acting so much like your mother did?"
Katniss
Katniss couldn't move very well -- not with the IV in her arm, or her still-healing, taut, new skin. But she certainly tried, driven by a force she hadn't thought she'd still had.
She lunged for Karla with a howl, nails out towards her face in desperation. It was Haymitch all over again.
Karla
Karla had been expecting this reaction--no. She'd been hoping for this reaction. Anything to break through the wall of despair that Katniss had erected around herself to hold everything else at bay.
She caught Katniss's wrists and yanked roughly, dragging her forward until Karla's mouth was even with her ear. "You're mad? Good. Be mad. That bitch sacrificed your sister and you know it. You just lay there in bed, you let her get away with it. You're better than that, Katniss."
She could be mad at Karla, too, if she needed. Karla had known that was a risk she was taking--it was why she'd talked to Wesley first. Everything had a price. If her friendship with Katniss was the price to get her back, then Karla would pay it.
"Now get the fuck up," she hissed. "You owe her for your sister. And every single one of those children and those non-combat medics who died with her. Don't you dare let her win."
Katniss
Katniss was breathing hard, the air hissing in and out through her gritted teeth. She pushed against Karla's grip, her skin burning.
She felt.
It was something. "Don't," she said, her voice quiet and deadly, "presume to tell me how to grieve."
She pushed back enough to stare at Karla, her gray eyes bright with anger and tears. "And if you think I'm letting anyone win, you didn't watch the Games as closely as you claimed, Karla."
Karla
"Oh, sorry, I hadn't realized that refusing to interact with the world was a longterm strategy," Karla said with a insincere smile. "Because, from where the rest of us are standing, it looks an awful lot like giving up and refusing to give a damn about anything else."
Katniss
And what really stung was that she was right. But Katniss just let herself get madder. She felt the sharpness of betrayal in the pit of her stomach, her brain unable to comprehend why Karla would be saying these things.
But it wasn't like she'd been great at making longterm friends and allies up to this point, anyway.
"Get out of my sight," Katniss said as she tore her hands from Karla's grip, her voice soft, deadly. "Before I rip your throat out."
And with that, she turned to pull the IV from her arm. She needed to be somewhere else.
Karla
That hurt, but Karla had expected nothing else. That's why she'd asked her favor of Wesley. That's why she'd made sure Warren was Healed first. She hadn't expected to be allowed to stay in Thirteen, not after this.
Feigning a casualness she in no way felt, Karla shrugged and turned towards the exit. "Don't let it have been for nothing," she said quietly over her shoulder. "Whatever else happens, don't let that happen."
Prim. Finnick. Boggs. Every dead medic from Thirteen. Every dead child of the Capitol. Their friendship. Rue.
Don't let Coin finish whatever nasty game she's playing...
Karla went to find Warren. It was time to leave.
Luke
Luke honestly didn't expect Katniss to say much when he walked into her room, and he wasn't sure if she'd even notice he was there, but he couldn't leave without saying anything. She might not notice but he would and Luke had enough guilt to deal with at the moment.
When Luke walked in and sat down, he was completely prepared for this to be a one-sided conversation. He didn't mind. "Hey. I'm not gonna bother you for too long 'cause I figure you want to be left alone right now. I couldn't leave without saying goodbye, though."
Katniss
Someone else was leaving. Katniss couldn't quite begin to care, but it was another slight, far-away twist in her gut to be abandoned.
She flicked her gaze from the wall to Luke, her expression unchanging except to raise what was left of her eyebrows a little expectantly. Where was he going, now?
Luke
"I can't stay," he said, looking apologetic. "Got my own war to fight back home."
That was true, even if he wasn't exactly eager to go back to fight a tiny version of his ex-boyfriend. Really, being around the people that were responsible for what happened in the Capitol was making him feel sick and angry and it would be better for both them and himself if he were gone.
Katniss
Katniss considered this, watching him carefully.
And even though she didn't care right now, she knew she was going to, again, someday.
"Good luck."
Luke
"Thanks. I'll need it," he said, running his hand through his hair. "I'm kind of alone in the whole thing. Everybody that I thought was going to help me is fighting against me. Kind of makes me wonder if I'm doing the right thing or not."
He hadn't said that to anybody else yet, but he wasn't surprised that it was Katniss he was finally saying it to. He always found her easy to talk to, and oddly enough, it was even easier now when it seemed like she didn't care about anything.
"I'm really sorry about what happened to your sister," Luke said, feeling sort of lame for saying it since he was sure he wasn't the first person to say it. "I can't imagine what you're going through right now. There's this girl, Annabeth, who is like a sister to me. Been taking care of her since I was twelve. If I ever lost her...well, I'd probably kill everybody involved and then after that...I don't know. Probably wouldn't feel like living myself after that."
That...was not helpful. But it was honest!
Katniss
"I'm going to," Katniss said after a moment, nodding. She didn't elaborate beyond that, but he'd probably hear about it, later. Beyond that, though, she tried to think about what else he'd said. "You're doing the right thing. Don't forget."
Luke
"I'll try not to," he said quietly. "I'm going to miss you. I know things suck now, but I hope I'll get to see you again."
Firekeeper
The medics refused to let Blind Seer in to the actual infirmary, muttering something about infections and sterile environments.
Firekeeper had argued, but the Royal Wolf had simply turned his back on the medic who'd refused him entry and laid by the doorway in wait while Firekeeper stepped inside, searching out Katniss's bed. Once there, she simply... stood. She knew she ought to say something reassuring, but nothing came to mind. She was terrible at this.
Warren
Warren was terrible at this. He could hold his chin up and soldier on through most of the worst that Fandom could throw at him, but in the face of loss, he always managed to completely draw a blank. He had no experience with this. No idea if he was just sticking his nose somewhere that it wasn't wanted.
That wasn't going to stop him from heading to the infirmary, once he'd found his legs again.
"... Hey. I hope I'm not intruding or anything?"
Katniss
Katniss slid her glance to Warren. Her everything was tired. The exhaustion was crippling -- just the idea of dealing with anything made her want to just go back to sleep. She could sleep her life away and it would be fine.
"Intruding on what?" she asked after a long, slow moment.
Warren
"On... anything, I guess," Warren replied, after a moment taken to just kind of chew on his lip. "Things have been rough lately. If you aren't up for the company, I'd understand."
Katniss
Katniss shrugged, looking down at the needle in her arm. "I don't care."
She really didn't. She didn't care about anything.
Warren
Warren's own eyes followed hers to the needle, lingering there for a moment before dropping to the floor. That answer was actually harder to swallow than her just kicking him out.
"Oh..." He lingered there in the doorway for a moment, and then, after a minute, just kind of dragged himself into the room. "Is there anything I can get you?"
Katniss
Prim.
But that was impossible, so.
"No. I'm fine."
Warren
She wasn't. She wasn't anything remotely approaching fine. Warren didn't need to ask her about it to be aware of it. He found himself wishing, not for the first time, that he had any measure of experience with this sort of thing. Consoling Karla after Raven's death had been similar, but then, Karla hadn't really gone catatonic, either.
And she hadn't been put through this much hell.
"Have you eaten anything?"
Katniss
Katniss shrugged. "Not hungry." Which was true. People had tried to make her eat, and she'd poked lightly at the food. For the first time in her life, food held absolutely no appeal.
Warren
"No appetite," Warren replied, and nodded a little. He understood that much, to some degree. He hadn't had any appetite after the bomb went off, and he hadn't really even known any of the victims. Prim, to look at her. But beyond that... "Me neither."
He stood there quietly for a moment more, feeling like his heart was going to leap out through his throat.
"I'm sorry, Katniss."
For her loss. For not being aware of what they were getting into. For not being able to help Prim, no matter how close they were. For surviving.
Katniss
Katniss had heard all the apologies at this point, and each one chipped away a little more at what was left of her. Each one solidified what she had lost.
And she still didn't know what to say.
"You didn't do anything."
There was no reason to apologize, as far as she was concerned.
Warren
He didn't do anything. That was half of what was eating at him.
The other half was that there was nothing he could have done. It wasn't in his hands.
It never was.
"I didn't," he murmured. "But it still happened. I mean, she deserves to be acknowledged. They all do."
He bit the inside of his cheek to shut himself up. He had no idea if he was just digging a shallow grave to sleep in, if he'd be doing more good by putting his foot into his mouth and retreating while he was... ahead... ish.
Katniss
Katniss tapped the needle in her arm a little, quiet. "Why does it matter?" she asked after a moment. "She's dead. They're all dead. The Mockingjay failed, but the war's over."
Warren
"Because every life matters," Warren replied, his voice getting a little stronger, a little more sure. "Civilian. Soldier. Medic. Every single one of those people was somebody, Katniss. A brother, a mother, a friend, a sister. They all matter. But not all of them will be remembered, or mourned."
Katniss
"Someone will," Katniss said quietly, and this was the most she'd said about anything. "Someone will miss them. Someone will be broken over them."
Warren
"And you know that better than most," Warren said softly. "So there's really no need to ask why it matters, is it?"
He hesitated for a moment, biting at his lip again, before nodding back toward the door.
"I can go," he offered again, "if you want to rest, or if you want to mourn without me standing here and telling you things that you already know."
Katniss
Katniss took a deep breath to consider her answer.
And then her morphling drip hit her, overwhelming, and she couldn't care anymore. She shrugged.
[omg AND FINALLY WE ARE JUST ABOUT DONE. Preplayed with the usual suspects, and coded by the amazing sith_happened!]