(no subject)
So today was the day that I have long awaited. A day when questions were answered and uncertainty was put to rest. It was the day when I found out that the girl that most especially caught my attention…was dating another guy. It wasn’t a huge surprise. A moderately observant person could see it in the way they interacted… and when you have feelings for someone, you seem to be the most observant person in the world, at least towards one thing.
The funny thing is, is that it already seems better to me, knowing rather than suspecting. I think it’s Lewis who coined the term ‘a severe mercy’. This feels like what I think he means. I didn’t think there was much likelihood that our friendship would blossom into a relationship, at least not since the beginning of summer. She had told me that she was only interested in friendship then. But hope’s a stubborn thing. It’s like there was a little person residing in my heart, let’s call him The Hope of Something More. At the beginning of the summer he had a stroke and slipped into a coma. He did not sign a DNR, and he was placed on life support and I came and sat at his bedside and waited for a miracle. But the miracle didn’t come. Instead, I got a call this afternoon that THOSM had stopped breathing altogether and there was nothing more they could do. Of course, I grieved a little. Who doesn’t or hasn’t at one time or another. But it wasn’t long before grief gave way, and in its place, relief began to grow. It was the end of a long convalescence. While he had been alive there was a degree of paralysis to everything about my life, but at his passing, my muscles relaxed, my head cleared a little and I began to think and feel in ways that I haven’t in awhile.
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
His mercies never come to an end
They are new every morning
Great is thy faithfulness Oh, Lord.
If this is ‘a severe mercy’ then there must be One Who has shown mercy to me. The Lord has always met me in these ‘gloomy vales’. This time was no different. Many scriptures and hymns come to mind these past weeks and each of them is an encouragement to me, if only a little. “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the Name of the Lord.” I do not pretend that I have really ‘lost’ anything. Rather, I see her as His to give…or not…and I must bless His Name.
Whate’er my God ordains is right:
His holy will abideth;
I will be still whate’er He doth;
And follow where He guideth;
He is my God; though dark my road,
He holds me that I shall not fall:
Wherefore to Him I leave it all.
The words of this songwriter are greater far than what my soul is capable of. However… it is these very circumstances that are forming them in me. The wisdom by which God fashioned the foundations of the universe is hard used right now to conform me to the image of His Son, and though I do not see the journey’s end, I see the Shepherd Who guides me on the way.
Whate’er my God ordains is right:
Though now this cup, in drinking,
May bitter seem to my faint heart,
I take it, all unshrinking.
My God is true; each morn anew
Sweet comfort yet shall fill my heart,
And pain and sorrow shall depart.
I ask for the Lord’s unbounded grace now to “take it, all unshrinking.” And what amazes me most, He give it. I am confident that the things that the songwriter speaks to will come to pass. He is and will be true. I will be comforted.
There are other words from the Book to comfort and correct me. “Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him.” and
Psalm 103:1-5
Of David.
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
[2] Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
[3] who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
[4] who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
[5] who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
and
“For this light and momentary affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory,”
The list goes on. But now I must desist and wrap things up. My desire is that I am a good brother to this other man and her. Again, I must rest on grace and wait with patience.
A note on the girl: She was one in a million. I never really told her this and this is the one thing that I come closest to regretting. I acted towards her with restraint according to what wisdom the Lord had granted me, considering the short time I have known her and the need for caution so as to “maintain the unity of the bond of peace” regardless of the outcome of my suit. I did not want to say more than I should so early on. I doubt this just a little now. But even this will be worked out for both our goods.
This will be my only entry on the topic. I do not think it has put to rest the issue in my mind fully, but the cure has begun. I praise the Lord that He has chosen to do this and rest secure that He will continue on His course of goodness to me.
The funny thing is, is that it already seems better to me, knowing rather than suspecting. I think it’s Lewis who coined the term ‘a severe mercy’. This feels like what I think he means. I didn’t think there was much likelihood that our friendship would blossom into a relationship, at least not since the beginning of summer. She had told me that she was only interested in friendship then. But hope’s a stubborn thing. It’s like there was a little person residing in my heart, let’s call him The Hope of Something More. At the beginning of the summer he had a stroke and slipped into a coma. He did not sign a DNR, and he was placed on life support and I came and sat at his bedside and waited for a miracle. But the miracle didn’t come. Instead, I got a call this afternoon that THOSM had stopped breathing altogether and there was nothing more they could do. Of course, I grieved a little. Who doesn’t or hasn’t at one time or another. But it wasn’t long before grief gave way, and in its place, relief began to grow. It was the end of a long convalescence. While he had been alive there was a degree of paralysis to everything about my life, but at his passing, my muscles relaxed, my head cleared a little and I began to think and feel in ways that I haven’t in awhile.
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
His mercies never come to an end
They are new every morning
Great is thy faithfulness Oh, Lord.
If this is ‘a severe mercy’ then there must be One Who has shown mercy to me. The Lord has always met me in these ‘gloomy vales’. This time was no different. Many scriptures and hymns come to mind these past weeks and each of them is an encouragement to me, if only a little. “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the Name of the Lord.” I do not pretend that I have really ‘lost’ anything. Rather, I see her as His to give…or not…and I must bless His Name.
Whate’er my God ordains is right:
His holy will abideth;
I will be still whate’er He doth;
And follow where He guideth;
He is my God; though dark my road,
He holds me that I shall not fall:
Wherefore to Him I leave it all.
The words of this songwriter are greater far than what my soul is capable of. However… it is these very circumstances that are forming them in me. The wisdom by which God fashioned the foundations of the universe is hard used right now to conform me to the image of His Son, and though I do not see the journey’s end, I see the Shepherd Who guides me on the way.
Whate’er my God ordains is right:
Though now this cup, in drinking,
May bitter seem to my faint heart,
I take it, all unshrinking.
My God is true; each morn anew
Sweet comfort yet shall fill my heart,
And pain and sorrow shall depart.
I ask for the Lord’s unbounded grace now to “take it, all unshrinking.” And what amazes me most, He give it. I am confident that the things that the songwriter speaks to will come to pass. He is and will be true. I will be comforted.
There are other words from the Book to comfort and correct me. “Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him.” and
Psalm 103:1-5
Of David.
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
[2] Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
[3] who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
[4] who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
[5] who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
and
“For this light and momentary affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory,”
The list goes on. But now I must desist and wrap things up. My desire is that I am a good brother to this other man and her. Again, I must rest on grace and wait with patience.
A note on the girl: She was one in a million. I never really told her this and this is the one thing that I come closest to regretting. I acted towards her with restraint according to what wisdom the Lord had granted me, considering the short time I have known her and the need for caution so as to “maintain the unity of the bond of peace” regardless of the outcome of my suit. I did not want to say more than I should so early on. I doubt this just a little now. But even this will be worked out for both our goods.
This will be my only entry on the topic. I do not think it has put to rest the issue in my mind fully, but the cure has begun. I praise the Lord that He has chosen to do this and rest secure that He will continue on His course of goodness to me.