sleepless nights
I suppose its been to long, but that is ok, its 11 P.M, I should be sleeping, but for the past 2 hours I have done nothing but toss and turn, my inability to sleep has really made me on edge, and cranky, but that’s not why I am writing tonight.
For the first time in a long time I have felt alone, and I mean utterly alone, alone as in there are not 3 other people sleeping in this house with me. Alone as in utter alone, the black abyss that consumes, blah blah blah. Its not a bad feeling, I use to get it all the time, but it has yet to rear its ugly head in a long time. I suppose it all started the other night at the Library, I went for a lab group paper critique with some college people, I finally meet some worth my time, and who give me the time of day! This makes me happy, and even though we had a good time, we still accomplished a lot. My paper for my biology lab has never been stronger, and this makes me happy. My papers for my English portfolio could not be stronger, and I am guar at least a C in that class, which means I should have at least a C average for my first semester, I will settle for this hands down, no questions asked. I have a job which brings in some fun money, and allows for the divergence of time in the event of free study, time, which there is none of mind you, its just the fact that I have that option that makes me happy. I guess tonight was different, band was canceled, and I got to go back to THs to play some sweet magic games with some old friends, 5 rolls around and I take off for class, upon arriving I discover my test has been turned into another take home and another hour of my night has been freeded up. Mar, Denise, Cassie, and myself all go to Del Taco, and just chat for a while about jobs, annoying customers, and just whats going on in our lives. I think it struck me in the middle of the conversation that this is finally what I have been seeking, interactions. I get so tired of having to wait, and wait and wait to find something to do, and like my message says, if I am not here right now I am probably sleeping, at school or working. All I ever seem to do is wait anymore, just wait and wait and wait, for moments of fleeting happiness, but that enver remain. Moments that I long to have last forever, but never will. Such confused, fear, hatred and loathing.
I keep asking myself why why Why Why Why Why Why. The answer is so simple, the decisiosn you should me is so plain in sight, its there right in front, pof, and there goes the chance of a life time, poof there goes a shoot at complete and utter bliss, there goes everything you ever wanted, poof, gone, never to return, not a whisper, not a word, not even a good bye, just one day poof.
Common sense is the least common sense of them all.
If you had everything you ever wanted would you squander that which you have?
I was thinking back to the library, I was asked a question by one of my lab partners. We were discussing which high schools we came from and reminiscing. Everything was going great until they realized I wasn’t doing much talking. Jokingly they asked
“What’s the matter?”
Not able to reminisce, I guess from my facial expressions they were able to guess what I was going to say
“I stopped reminiscing a long time ago.”
I mean talk about the mother of all mood breakers, it was one of those moments of silence in which there was not a sound uttered in the entire library. The conversation continued on a few seconds later as if nothing had ever happened.
I have a question that needs to be answered.
If you had everything you could ever want would you? Abuse? Cherish it? Or keep it secret?
Now that I have lost my train of though this whole thing seems really dumb, and undirected. So I think I will leave it as such, just another rambling of an overworked, sleep deprived, confused, hurting college student.
Only I will walk alone,
Jason
For the first time in a long time I have felt alone, and I mean utterly alone, alone as in there are not 3 other people sleeping in this house with me. Alone as in utter alone, the black abyss that consumes, blah blah blah. Its not a bad feeling, I use to get it all the time, but it has yet to rear its ugly head in a long time. I suppose it all started the other night at the Library, I went for a lab group paper critique with some college people, I finally meet some worth my time, and who give me the time of day! This makes me happy, and even though we had a good time, we still accomplished a lot. My paper for my biology lab has never been stronger, and this makes me happy. My papers for my English portfolio could not be stronger, and I am guar at least a C in that class, which means I should have at least a C average for my first semester, I will settle for this hands down, no questions asked. I have a job which brings in some fun money, and allows for the divergence of time in the event of free study, time, which there is none of mind you, its just the fact that I have that option that makes me happy. I guess tonight was different, band was canceled, and I got to go back to THs to play some sweet magic games with some old friends, 5 rolls around and I take off for class, upon arriving I discover my test has been turned into another take home and another hour of my night has been freeded up. Mar, Denise, Cassie, and myself all go to Del Taco, and just chat for a while about jobs, annoying customers, and just whats going on in our lives. I think it struck me in the middle of the conversation that this is finally what I have been seeking, interactions. I get so tired of having to wait, and wait and wait to find something to do, and like my message says, if I am not here right now I am probably sleeping, at school or working. All I ever seem to do is wait anymore, just wait and wait and wait, for moments of fleeting happiness, but that enver remain. Moments that I long to have last forever, but never will. Such confused, fear, hatred and loathing.
I keep asking myself why why Why Why Why Why Why. The answer is so simple, the decisiosn you should me is so plain in sight, its there right in front, pof, and there goes the chance of a life time, poof there goes a shoot at complete and utter bliss, there goes everything you ever wanted, poof, gone, never to return, not a whisper, not a word, not even a good bye, just one day poof.
Common sense is the least common sense of them all.
If you had everything you ever wanted would you squander that which you have?
I was thinking back to the library, I was asked a question by one of my lab partners. We were discussing which high schools we came from and reminiscing. Everything was going great until they realized I wasn’t doing much talking. Jokingly they asked
“What’s the matter?”
Not able to reminisce, I guess from my facial expressions they were able to guess what I was going to say
“I stopped reminiscing a long time ago.”
I mean talk about the mother of all mood breakers, it was one of those moments of silence in which there was not a sound uttered in the entire library. The conversation continued on a few seconds later as if nothing had ever happened.
I have a question that needs to be answered.
If you had everything you could ever want would you? Abuse? Cherish it? Or keep it secret?
Now that I have lost my train of though this whole thing seems really dumb, and undirected. So I think I will leave it as such, just another rambling of an overworked, sleep deprived, confused, hurting college student.
Only I will walk alone,
Jason