To Boldly Go
I bought tickets to see Tracy Morgan on Friday. My desire is to have Dan come with me. I figure, if I already have the tickets then he has to go. I realize I am slightly insane.
Dan's and my relationship is like prodromal labor. Sometimes I wonder if I am subconsciously preventing it from moving upwards. I have become so accustomed to this interim period. I have been here for so long. I was role-playing in my head the other day (yes, insane, I know) what it would be like if we actually decided to date. This is what I have been wanting, about what I have been dreaming. My texts are plotted, planned. Meticulously. Each word. Gotta be casual but suggestive - only slightly, very slightly. Inch over to him - physically, emotionally. "I got you a little something on my trip as a thanks for picking me up - no, I definitely wasn't thinking about you the whole time... just thought it would be a nice gesture...." I count the days before I initiate conversation, I plan out when I can invite him over - make sure it's not too frequent... don't want him to get weirded out.... allllll this, just so I can be near him - just so I can whittle away the barrier between friendship and love. And yet, when I imagined that PRETEND agreement to date, I got hives. Palpitations. Tunnel vision. Feelings of confinement. I had to remind myself it wasn't real, take a few deep breaths and regain consciousness. I realize my fear of commitment runs deeper than I know.
Which, incidentally, makes me further my belief that he and I are perfect for each other.
I wish he was as insane as I am. Who knows, maybe he is. No. No. I am sure he is the most logical, level-headed human being ever to be birthed forth from a womb. So logical, in fact, that he has the ability to suppress his human emotions and substitute with reasoning. Dan is Spock. I am in love with Spock. Figures.
Dan's and my relationship is like prodromal labor. Sometimes I wonder if I am subconsciously preventing it from moving upwards. I have become so accustomed to this interim period. I have been here for so long. I was role-playing in my head the other day (yes, insane, I know) what it would be like if we actually decided to date. This is what I have been wanting, about what I have been dreaming. My texts are plotted, planned. Meticulously. Each word. Gotta be casual but suggestive - only slightly, very slightly. Inch over to him - physically, emotionally. "I got you a little something on my trip as a thanks for picking me up - no, I definitely wasn't thinking about you the whole time... just thought it would be a nice gesture...." I count the days before I initiate conversation, I plan out when I can invite him over - make sure it's not too frequent... don't want him to get weirded out.... allllll this, just so I can be near him - just so I can whittle away the barrier between friendship and love. And yet, when I imagined that PRETEND agreement to date, I got hives. Palpitations. Tunnel vision. Feelings of confinement. I had to remind myself it wasn't real, take a few deep breaths and regain consciousness. I realize my fear of commitment runs deeper than I know.
Which, incidentally, makes me further my belief that he and I are perfect for each other.
I wish he was as insane as I am. Who knows, maybe he is. No. No. I am sure he is the most logical, level-headed human being ever to be birthed forth from a womb. So logical, in fact, that he has the ability to suppress his human emotions and substitute with reasoning. Dan is Spock. I am in love with Spock. Figures.