Before bed.
I told my story of Tom and Dan at work last night. I forgot how involved that Dan story is. I was on the verge of tears while talking. So unexpected. I wouldn't have said anything at all if I knew I was that emotional about it. I was just talking about me and my life stuff and it came up... I didn't realize how hard giving him up was going to be. I kinda thought that I was at a place where it would be ok now. I would be preoccupied by Tom and giving up Dan would be ok. I have really not put much thought into it. My stance is that when / if Tom and I have that "exclusive" conversation or something similar, than I would stop with Dan. As much as it makes my belly hurt to think of Tom being with another girl, it makes my belly hurt just the same thinking about giving up Dan. Typing it makes my eyes well a little. I love Dan. I have such strong love for him. I know it can't work, and I know there is some annimosity there that probably couldn't ever be truely resolved. I know that I don't want to be in something that isn't 100%. But I also know that I just love him and I have never been able to full quench it. Tom came to visit this week. He stayed with me Monday night. It was a beautiful amazing boring easy laidback magical night. It was the fist night together that was on purpose. He touched me on purpose, we cuddled on purpose, we fit together on purpose. I was on the computer and he was standing over me, he leaned his head on mine - on purpose! I (love) him and he (loves) me and it's out in the open. We are nice to each other on purpose. I love him. I am happy. He makes me jump. He is my fire. But I love Dan and cutting that off will be a big deal in my life. Dan touched me like no other. He holds a special place. I am so tired of bittersweetness. I am so tired of having sad taint my happy. I am so tired of tears. I am so tired. Tired of being sad. When will this end for me? I want to just splash in happy naivity. I want to love and be loved - equally. With no question of where loyalties lie. I just want to let go of this heavy heart. I have carried it so long. Time for sleep.