Sometimes you're the windshield, Sometimes you're the bug
Here it comes again. The darkness. I am defenseless.
Dan came over last night. It was an excellent time. Great sex. I think some of the best we've ever had. Good convo, good tv, good sleep and good ending. He's definitely not my end-all. I know this, I embrace it. But it was a good time. I am ready to let it finally transition to fuck buddy for good. I'm not sad about this transition. I am sad at the ending of an era. A deflation. I am sad at the hope and heartbreak. I am sad about the chagnes and transitions of life in general. Things moving and changing, people separating, the yarn-ball of life unraveling. It's bittersweet. I remember the love I felt for him, the things I wanted for us- for me, for him. I remember my naivity. I thought this would be so healthy. There's nothing deeper there.
I am looking for something deeper. I want to dig - dig and dig and dig. I want a bottomless pit. I want treasure. I want to dig and find sweet water. Push the sand away and find a well. I want a well.
I definitely have feelings for Tom. I text him about Valentines. Asked him if he woulda come over if I didnt have plans. He said yes and that he def would have if I had asked. I wish he asked. My hesitations about him are valid, though. My hesitations are real and are serious to concider. Thurs he had to go back to NY after work and was gonna maybe drive back here that same night. I wasn't banking on it. But, lo and behokd, he called on his way back - said he was an hour and a half away but was way too tired and couldn't make it. Had to check into a hotel. Said he didn't want to stay there alone, wanted to know if I would go meet him. An hour and a half away! At 1030 at night! Crazy.... I was feeling ambitious, a little reckless adandon, ready for an adventure. I drove there! I was leaving Melissa's anyway - was already driving home.... so I just readjusted my destination on my gps and by midnight was in a hotel suite next to sleeping caveman Tom. Our once hot, passionate sex is becoming routine. I pulled away after he was about to be done - I told him I just drove an hour and a half, it's gotta be longer than 5 minutes. It was oh like maybe 15. It's still good, but getting boring. I don't feel like there's that connection like there used to be. I still have it though... Why is he pulling away from me? Morning sex was amazing. Morning sex is always amazing with him. We left together at 6, said goodbye in the parking lot and then again silently when he got off his exit and I stayed on 91. We watched each other make our separate ways. It was a fun time. A crazy spontaneous random exciting tiny trip...
....and I haven't heard from him since. Such mixed signals. He's got his NY girls, I know. They have the fire now. They get the best of him now. I'll hear from him again on Tuesday when he wonders if he'll have a bed to sleep in while visiting Spfld. Sometimes he is so datey, and then sometimes I wonder if he's just using me as a place to stay. Wednesday he came babysitting with me - we played house. The baby slept and we cuddled in the warm little house together, went to bed together, he left for work in the am and we kissed goodbye. I should have packed him a lunch. It made my insides quiver, it was beautiful. Now this. I am so freaked out by these emotions. Maybe he's just freaked out too. I like boyfriend Tom the best. When he is someone else's boyfriend, I get the passion. The confusion about where his heart is gets dropped. Thats the simplest way.
I text Dan today and asked him if he was dating someone - I don't know why I got that feeling but I just did a little bit last night. I didn't care, I just wondered. He said no. I asked if he would tell me if he was. His response was, "I don't want things to start getting weird between us... Maybe we shouldn't hang out so much..." What? I told him, "I'm not being werid at all, I just wondered. Things are perfect the way they are. I don't want a relationship at all right now. If you were dating someone I would be happy for you. I just wondered if you would tell me. You obviously wouldn't have to." He hasn't responded.
Why do I keep opening my heart? I need to close it and lock it. I need to stop being vulnerable. I am right now without Dan and without Tom. I have entered a valley.
I wear a frown all too well.
It's time to start over. I am not digging any deeper with either of them. Not unless they dig first. I am starting over... once this depression subsides.
Sometimes it all comes together, somtimes you're just a fool in love.
Dan came over last night. It was an excellent time. Great sex. I think some of the best we've ever had. Good convo, good tv, good sleep and good ending. He's definitely not my end-all. I know this, I embrace it. But it was a good time. I am ready to let it finally transition to fuck buddy for good. I'm not sad about this transition. I am sad at the ending of an era. A deflation. I am sad at the hope and heartbreak. I am sad about the chagnes and transitions of life in general. Things moving and changing, people separating, the yarn-ball of life unraveling. It's bittersweet. I remember the love I felt for him, the things I wanted for us- for me, for him. I remember my naivity. I thought this would be so healthy. There's nothing deeper there.
I am looking for something deeper. I want to dig - dig and dig and dig. I want a bottomless pit. I want treasure. I want to dig and find sweet water. Push the sand away and find a well. I want a well.
I definitely have feelings for Tom. I text him about Valentines. Asked him if he woulda come over if I didnt have plans. He said yes and that he def would have if I had asked. I wish he asked. My hesitations about him are valid, though. My hesitations are real and are serious to concider. Thurs he had to go back to NY after work and was gonna maybe drive back here that same night. I wasn't banking on it. But, lo and behokd, he called on his way back - said he was an hour and a half away but was way too tired and couldn't make it. Had to check into a hotel. Said he didn't want to stay there alone, wanted to know if I would go meet him. An hour and a half away! At 1030 at night! Crazy.... I was feeling ambitious, a little reckless adandon, ready for an adventure. I drove there! I was leaving Melissa's anyway - was already driving home.... so I just readjusted my destination on my gps and by midnight was in a hotel suite next to sleeping caveman Tom. Our once hot, passionate sex is becoming routine. I pulled away after he was about to be done - I told him I just drove an hour and a half, it's gotta be longer than 5 minutes. It was oh like maybe 15. It's still good, but getting boring. I don't feel like there's that connection like there used to be. I still have it though... Why is he pulling away from me? Morning sex was amazing. Morning sex is always amazing with him. We left together at 6, said goodbye in the parking lot and then again silently when he got off his exit and I stayed on 91. We watched each other make our separate ways. It was a fun time. A crazy spontaneous random exciting tiny trip...
....and I haven't heard from him since. Such mixed signals. He's got his NY girls, I know. They have the fire now. They get the best of him now. I'll hear from him again on Tuesday when he wonders if he'll have a bed to sleep in while visiting Spfld. Sometimes he is so datey, and then sometimes I wonder if he's just using me as a place to stay. Wednesday he came babysitting with me - we played house. The baby slept and we cuddled in the warm little house together, went to bed together, he left for work in the am and we kissed goodbye. I should have packed him a lunch. It made my insides quiver, it was beautiful. Now this. I am so freaked out by these emotions. Maybe he's just freaked out too. I like boyfriend Tom the best. When he is someone else's boyfriend, I get the passion. The confusion about where his heart is gets dropped. Thats the simplest way.
I text Dan today and asked him if he was dating someone - I don't know why I got that feeling but I just did a little bit last night. I didn't care, I just wondered. He said no. I asked if he would tell me if he was. His response was, "I don't want things to start getting weird between us... Maybe we shouldn't hang out so much..." What? I told him, "I'm not being werid at all, I just wondered. Things are perfect the way they are. I don't want a relationship at all right now. If you were dating someone I would be happy for you. I just wondered if you would tell me. You obviously wouldn't have to." He hasn't responded.
Why do I keep opening my heart? I need to close it and lock it. I need to stop being vulnerable. I am right now without Dan and without Tom. I have entered a valley.
I wear a frown all too well.
It's time to start over. I am not digging any deeper with either of them. Not unless they dig first. I am starting over... once this depression subsides.
Sometimes it all comes together, somtimes you're just a fool in love.