Layers
Lj, I have been thinking of you lately. I need to unload these thoughts. What a nice thought receptacle you are.
I ran out of clean towels, so I have to use my larger than life sized beach towel. The colors are fun though and they make me feel brilliant. I am wrapped in it right now. I feel like I have my best thought unloading times in a towel. I am back to basics in my towel. Just me without any extra. If I could love someone even in a towel... that would be sincere trusting love. That is total rambling. Total. Ok.
It's funny how I choose to write only about a select few manfriends. I have to assume they are the ones that are important. Well I know Dan is. I think Tom is just "important" becuase it's been such a long time. I helped him pack. He's out of his house and into his Springfield friend's til the end of the month then back to NY. I think I might visit him there................ That is a bold statement if I ever heard one. After 8 months, I am biginning to show him a little vulnerability. I HATE it. But it is well received and I LOVE that. I was vulnerable to him about my break-in. Just the smallest bit of insight to Bessy and he got it. He knew. That's cute. I helped him pack. I wasn't going to. I try to not be sweet to him. I don't want to be friends. buuuuuuuut. I wanted to help him. so I did. I wonder if he woulda helped me. Maybe I should move and find out. um no. Never do I ever want to even think about packing. oh God. How stressing. It makes my tongue sweat. SO yeah, that was fun. We went out the other night and had the greatest bar convo. I wish I was sober enough to remember more of it. How invaluable drunken conversations are. It makes me make a sidewards glance half smile. Like I know something I shouldn't. I think I might like his character just a little. Which is weird. Cause he's a total douche. But so am I. Oh the layers. I think we are on a new layer of each other. Scary. yikes. But yeah, that's definitely true.
Great segway into Dan story.
Christmas party at Dan's this year was a huge thing. I bulletpoint in our relationship outline. He was more drunk than sweet Dan has ever been. Drunker that the drunkest Dan. James and I agree, Christmas Dan is the drunkest of Dan's. This time, wow. He was soooooo fun... for like a half hour. and then dissappeared. My friends found him in his car totally passed out. So I stood there drinking my beer thinking.... do I really have to go do this now? Must this happen? I stood in the house and my heart longed to be in the car with him. Caring for him. Being his girl. But wow the heartbreak that thought entails. I knew it would be heartbreak. Enwrapped in the memory of what we were, what we had and lost. Playing the role I die to play everyday. The heaviness. He posesses my heart. So I took a deep breath, finished my nearly full beer in one desperate move to grasp a state of mind that wouln't be vulnerable to this, went outside and found him. My sweetness in his own very vulnerable state. So I got in the pasenger seat. He was like a ragdoll over the center console, With his head held up on his crippled-looking wrist. I moved his hand and put his heavy drunk head on my shoulder. And there we sat, in our separate but somehow connected vulnerable states. I held him. I also held the lump in my throat and kept my eyes dry with every bit of strength in me. My head resting on his, smelling his smell, remembering him. I wished this was real and not something meaningless born out of a drunken lethargy. I held him until he started to wake up, I reached over him and opened his door so he could throw up. If there's one thing I can do well, it's take care of people - especially sick people. I am good at making my heart external. With him, I do that involuntarily. So I took him to my car and brought him home. Dropped him off and watched him walk sideways aross the entire width of the driveway into the bushes. I got out and walked him inside, told him Merry Christmas with my little girl eyes and went back in my car. Back to the party. Parked, opened my sun visor mirror and looked at her. Defenseless Bessy. Felt sorry and compassionate for her for a moment and then changed. Let of a deflating sigh and I said, "Bessy, now you swallow this emotion, you go inside and you be Dan, represent him, make his party perfect, do this in his name. Run it for him, make him proud. Then go home and feel what you need to feel, process this all later. For now, be his girl." So I wiped my eyes, gave myself a quite believable fake party girl smile and went inside. I was happy, lively, fun, laughy. I did the swap and passed out his gifts for the random little things he does every year. I played drunk but was secret;y just managing everyone and everything. I made sure all the drunk people had sober enough drivers and that no one burned the house down. My friends had left almost immediately after I got back, so this was me and all of Dan's friends. People I may have met once or twice at a wedding or two. People that I may have said hi to at Bruno's. People that have only known me as Dan's. People that know it's been a year since we were together. But people that really don't know me at all. Finally it started to become a smaller crowd. I sat by the fire and had great times and laughs with Dan's friends. WIth HIS side. His sister was stressing about having to stay and close up the house, she was sick and really shouldn't haven been there in the first place. I felt her enlarged lymph nodes and sent her home. I told her "Maria, I'm already staying." I told her - "I'm here til the end, both for the party and for ever." She laughed and loved me. Dan's close friends are sooo sooo protective of him. They love him, they would do anything for him. I made big points with all of them at this party. I sat at the fire with his friends and we just joked and laughed and sobered up together, watched the fire go out and then it was just me and his friend Paul. Now this is were Dan's Bessy is so different than regular Bessy. We cleaned his house - like completely. It was a trainwreck. It was disasterous. We cleaned it for hours. We had music, we had fun doing it. Well, I did at least, I had already planned on doing it, so it really wasn't a big deal. I'm not really sure why he stayed... I do know that I could have had him under me in 2 seconds though. I do know that regular Bessy would have. Instead, Dan's Bessy didn't even entertain the idea. We cleaned and turned off the lights and left. We left at 5:15. I went home and passed out. It was a great transition back to reality. I didn't have to process before sleeping. I was so tired that I was just out. Woke up and was settled. Proud of myself. The night was so positive for me. It is so hard to make yourself do these vulnerable things, it is so hard to initate them but when you do - and you do it right, or should I say, do it for the right person... the results are amazing. I was amazed. He called me at lunch time from work. He had his grateful sound. The I'm sorry you had to care for me. Thank you for caring even though you didn't have to.- kind of sound in his voice. He went to the house in the morning and saw everything we did. His heart was happy. I would do anything for him. anything. I made points with his friends, I made better points with him. He knows now that I am genuine. I am his for real. I am his. He slept over after Coochini's Christmas that weekend. I saw him for New Years eve but didn't come over. New Years morning I text him to come over and be lazy with me. I called in a sushi etc order and he picked up the food and some movies on his way. We spent the whole day on my futon. Food, movies, sex, pajamas. The whole day til I left for work. Magical. He is now more than a booty call and more than an ex. We are on a new layer.
Layers.
After going out, Tom's friend slept in his living room and Tom and I slept in bed. We entangled ourselves in each other. I don't mean sex, I mean while sleeping. There's after sex meaningless cuddle and then there's cuddle thats a little more. This had the feeling that it was supposed to be a little more. It felt like relationshipy cuddle. I think me and Tom are playing relationship. We are like make believing it. Neither of us want to actually be with each other but it is fun to have someone around to do that stuff with. It is fun. It is simple and easy and fun. This thing with him keeps being simple, easy and fun. It makes me feel like a cloud kinda. The perfect setup. I have my serious and my not serious. Tom is the perfect stress reliever from seriousness. My remedy. We went to breakfast in the morning I looked ridiculously terrible. I was at my core, my basics, like how I am in this towel. But I loved to be there with him. I genuinely appreciate what he brings to my life. Never would I ever say that outloud to him because he would absolutely take it the wrong way. He doesn't know about Dan. Tom provides me with the perfect .... wow I just lost the word. completely gone.... damn. it was a great word. Well what I mean is, I can have serious with Dan without going completely insane because that's what seriousness does to people. Makes you go out of your mind. I can stop myself from texting or calling him successfully because I am preoccupied with Tom, I can stop being irrational in the moment cause Tom takes my mind off of it until I am already done processing. He does provide me with a great service. He is good to have. And also He Doesn't Like Me. and that is amazzzzzzzzzing. Doesn't happen often. We both benefit equally from this. I looooooooooooove it.
I love when there's a theme to my current life that I don't know until I blog.
I ran out of clean towels, so I have to use my larger than life sized beach towel. The colors are fun though and they make me feel brilliant. I am wrapped in it right now. I feel like I have my best thought unloading times in a towel. I am back to basics in my towel. Just me without any extra. If I could love someone even in a towel... that would be sincere trusting love. That is total rambling. Total. Ok.
It's funny how I choose to write only about a select few manfriends. I have to assume they are the ones that are important. Well I know Dan is. I think Tom is just "important" becuase it's been such a long time. I helped him pack. He's out of his house and into his Springfield friend's til the end of the month then back to NY. I think I might visit him there................ That is a bold statement if I ever heard one. After 8 months, I am biginning to show him a little vulnerability. I HATE it. But it is well received and I LOVE that. I was vulnerable to him about my break-in. Just the smallest bit of insight to Bessy and he got it. He knew. That's cute. I helped him pack. I wasn't going to. I try to not be sweet to him. I don't want to be friends. buuuuuuuut. I wanted to help him. so I did. I wonder if he woulda helped me. Maybe I should move and find out. um no. Never do I ever want to even think about packing. oh God. How stressing. It makes my tongue sweat. SO yeah, that was fun. We went out the other night and had the greatest bar convo. I wish I was sober enough to remember more of it. How invaluable drunken conversations are. It makes me make a sidewards glance half smile. Like I know something I shouldn't. I think I might like his character just a little. Which is weird. Cause he's a total douche. But so am I. Oh the layers. I think we are on a new layer of each other. Scary. yikes. But yeah, that's definitely true.
Great segway into Dan story.
Christmas party at Dan's this year was a huge thing. I bulletpoint in our relationship outline. He was more drunk than sweet Dan has ever been. Drunker that the drunkest Dan. James and I agree, Christmas Dan is the drunkest of Dan's. This time, wow. He was soooooo fun... for like a half hour. and then dissappeared. My friends found him in his car totally passed out. So I stood there drinking my beer thinking.... do I really have to go do this now? Must this happen? I stood in the house and my heart longed to be in the car with him. Caring for him. Being his girl. But wow the heartbreak that thought entails. I knew it would be heartbreak. Enwrapped in the memory of what we were, what we had and lost. Playing the role I die to play everyday. The heaviness. He posesses my heart. So I took a deep breath, finished my nearly full beer in one desperate move to grasp a state of mind that wouln't be vulnerable to this, went outside and found him. My sweetness in his own very vulnerable state. So I got in the pasenger seat. He was like a ragdoll over the center console, With his head held up on his crippled-looking wrist. I moved his hand and put his heavy drunk head on my shoulder. And there we sat, in our separate but somehow connected vulnerable states. I held him. I also held the lump in my throat and kept my eyes dry with every bit of strength in me. My head resting on his, smelling his smell, remembering him. I wished this was real and not something meaningless born out of a drunken lethargy. I held him until he started to wake up, I reached over him and opened his door so he could throw up. If there's one thing I can do well, it's take care of people - especially sick people. I am good at making my heart external. With him, I do that involuntarily. So I took him to my car and brought him home. Dropped him off and watched him walk sideways aross the entire width of the driveway into the bushes. I got out and walked him inside, told him Merry Christmas with my little girl eyes and went back in my car. Back to the party. Parked, opened my sun visor mirror and looked at her. Defenseless Bessy. Felt sorry and compassionate for her for a moment and then changed. Let of a deflating sigh and I said, "Bessy, now you swallow this emotion, you go inside and you be Dan, represent him, make his party perfect, do this in his name. Run it for him, make him proud. Then go home and feel what you need to feel, process this all later. For now, be his girl." So I wiped my eyes, gave myself a quite believable fake party girl smile and went inside. I was happy, lively, fun, laughy. I did the swap and passed out his gifts for the random little things he does every year. I played drunk but was secret;y just managing everyone and everything. I made sure all the drunk people had sober enough drivers and that no one burned the house down. My friends had left almost immediately after I got back, so this was me and all of Dan's friends. People I may have met once or twice at a wedding or two. People that I may have said hi to at Bruno's. People that have only known me as Dan's. People that know it's been a year since we were together. But people that really don't know me at all. Finally it started to become a smaller crowd. I sat by the fire and had great times and laughs with Dan's friends. WIth HIS side. His sister was stressing about having to stay and close up the house, she was sick and really shouldn't haven been there in the first place. I felt her enlarged lymph nodes and sent her home. I told her "Maria, I'm already staying." I told her - "I'm here til the end, both for the party and for ever." She laughed and loved me. Dan's close friends are sooo sooo protective of him. They love him, they would do anything for him. I made big points with all of them at this party. I sat at the fire with his friends and we just joked and laughed and sobered up together, watched the fire go out and then it was just me and his friend Paul. Now this is were Dan's Bessy is so different than regular Bessy. We cleaned his house - like completely. It was a trainwreck. It was disasterous. We cleaned it for hours. We had music, we had fun doing it. Well, I did at least, I had already planned on doing it, so it really wasn't a big deal. I'm not really sure why he stayed... I do know that I could have had him under me in 2 seconds though. I do know that regular Bessy would have. Instead, Dan's Bessy didn't even entertain the idea. We cleaned and turned off the lights and left. We left at 5:15. I went home and passed out. It was a great transition back to reality. I didn't have to process before sleeping. I was so tired that I was just out. Woke up and was settled. Proud of myself. The night was so positive for me. It is so hard to make yourself do these vulnerable things, it is so hard to initate them but when you do - and you do it right, or should I say, do it for the right person... the results are amazing. I was amazed. He called me at lunch time from work. He had his grateful sound. The I'm sorry you had to care for me. Thank you for caring even though you didn't have to.- kind of sound in his voice. He went to the house in the morning and saw everything we did. His heart was happy. I would do anything for him. anything. I made points with his friends, I made better points with him. He knows now that I am genuine. I am his for real. I am his. He slept over after Coochini's Christmas that weekend. I saw him for New Years eve but didn't come over. New Years morning I text him to come over and be lazy with me. I called in a sushi etc order and he picked up the food and some movies on his way. We spent the whole day on my futon. Food, movies, sex, pajamas. The whole day til I left for work. Magical. He is now more than a booty call and more than an ex. We are on a new layer.
Layers.
After going out, Tom's friend slept in his living room and Tom and I slept in bed. We entangled ourselves in each other. I don't mean sex, I mean while sleeping. There's after sex meaningless cuddle and then there's cuddle thats a little more. This had the feeling that it was supposed to be a little more. It felt like relationshipy cuddle. I think me and Tom are playing relationship. We are like make believing it. Neither of us want to actually be with each other but it is fun to have someone around to do that stuff with. It is fun. It is simple and easy and fun. This thing with him keeps being simple, easy and fun. It makes me feel like a cloud kinda. The perfect setup. I have my serious and my not serious. Tom is the perfect stress reliever from seriousness. My remedy. We went to breakfast in the morning I looked ridiculously terrible. I was at my core, my basics, like how I am in this towel. But I loved to be there with him. I genuinely appreciate what he brings to my life. Never would I ever say that outloud to him because he would absolutely take it the wrong way. He doesn't know about Dan. Tom provides me with the perfect .... wow I just lost the word. completely gone.... damn. it was a great word. Well what I mean is, I can have serious with Dan without going completely insane because that's what seriousness does to people. Makes you go out of your mind. I can stop myself from texting or calling him successfully because I am preoccupied with Tom, I can stop being irrational in the moment cause Tom takes my mind off of it until I am already done processing. He does provide me with a great service. He is good to have. And also He Doesn't Like Me. and that is amazzzzzzzzzing. Doesn't happen often. We both benefit equally from this. I looooooooooooove it.
I love when there's a theme to my current life that I don't know until I blog.