Rudyard Kipling
...
I have a policy about never retrying a tainted relationship. I never considered Dan's and my relationship tainted because nothing wrong ever happened.
But he was closed and hesitant and resistant to me. He wouldn't, couldn't bend to me. About anything - ever. He was stubborn and far away. I know about his brain and i know about his heart. I know what he felt for me and wanted for me. He did love me. He still does. But he never said it and tried really hard not to show it. I need someone who will just bask in our love. He never wanted to be sweet to me and he never wanted to accept my sweetness. Maybe he was nervous or afraid, maybe he was totally not used to it. I can't know for sure. All I can go on is my perception. And, though I have great insight, I need to have someone that isn't afraid to make it clear to me how they feel. I need something comfortable, something easy. I believe in logic and level-headedness, being able to analyze every part of yourself and your life. Is Dan like that? I'm not sure. Maybe he isn't what's right and best for me. He could be soooo easily. And, on the inside, he is! But he prevents himself from being. Do I really want someone who can prevent himself from loving me?
But if it's true that he wants me still and is going to make an effort, than how do I feel about that? He made a mistake and is learning. Maybe he didn't realize how much he cared, how much I meant. I admire someone that can make a mistake, analyze, swallow pride and try again the right way.
But still, he broke my heart! Will I feel a grudge? Because that's not fair - to either of us. Will I hold it over his head? Even subconsciously? That is not fair. I have thought for so long about how he feels... how do I feel?
I am happy in my free spirit. I am happy without care or concern about finding myself a person. I love meaninglessness. I love my independence. I love being that girl.
I'm a little nervous that I'll fuck it up. I'm very nervous about changing my lifestyle. I've never been able to...
(I'm not sure I want to.)
I am pretty sure, however, that that part of me is just being selfish. I can't just fuck around forever. And I am lonely. And I do love him. I just don't want sweet Bessy to get hurt. If he hurts me again... I will fall apart.... again. Love is the greatest gift and the greatest risk. The risk might be becoming to risky. I don't know how much more naive I have in me.
"If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew to serve your turn long after they have gone, and so hold on when there is nothing in you except the will which says to them - HOLD ON"
I am becoming callused. My greatest fear.
I have a policy about never retrying a tainted relationship. I never considered Dan's and my relationship tainted because nothing wrong ever happened.
But he was closed and hesitant and resistant to me. He wouldn't, couldn't bend to me. About anything - ever. He was stubborn and far away. I know about his brain and i know about his heart. I know what he felt for me and wanted for me. He did love me. He still does. But he never said it and tried really hard not to show it. I need someone who will just bask in our love. He never wanted to be sweet to me and he never wanted to accept my sweetness. Maybe he was nervous or afraid, maybe he was totally not used to it. I can't know for sure. All I can go on is my perception. And, though I have great insight, I need to have someone that isn't afraid to make it clear to me how they feel. I need something comfortable, something easy. I believe in logic and level-headedness, being able to analyze every part of yourself and your life. Is Dan like that? I'm not sure. Maybe he isn't what's right and best for me. He could be soooo easily. And, on the inside, he is! But he prevents himself from being. Do I really want someone who can prevent himself from loving me?
But if it's true that he wants me still and is going to make an effort, than how do I feel about that? He made a mistake and is learning. Maybe he didn't realize how much he cared, how much I meant. I admire someone that can make a mistake, analyze, swallow pride and try again the right way.
But still, he broke my heart! Will I feel a grudge? Because that's not fair - to either of us. Will I hold it over his head? Even subconsciously? That is not fair. I have thought for so long about how he feels... how do I feel?
I am happy in my free spirit. I am happy without care or concern about finding myself a person. I love meaninglessness. I love my independence. I love being that girl.
I'm a little nervous that I'll fuck it up. I'm very nervous about changing my lifestyle. I've never been able to...
(I'm not sure I want to.)
I am pretty sure, however, that that part of me is just being selfish. I can't just fuck around forever. And I am lonely. And I do love him. I just don't want sweet Bessy to get hurt. If he hurts me again... I will fall apart.... again. Love is the greatest gift and the greatest risk. The risk might be becoming to risky. I don't know how much more naive I have in me.
"If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew to serve your turn long after they have gone, and so hold on when there is nothing in you except the will which says to them - HOLD ON"
I am becoming callused. My greatest fear.