Something wicked this way comes
ok. I went to Tom's last night and it was..... boyfriendy. Like we... cuddled. hmm. That doesn't ever happen. I leave before that happens. This is weird. I don't know what to think! I am going there again tonight... 2 in a row? Oh Bessy. What's happening?
So I was pondering this weirdness today and I started to think that I could just maybe- a little- dare I say it... have feelings? oh god. no no no. Then I remembered who I am and what it is I do to people. I know exactly what I'm doing. He just broke up with his girlfriend. Nicole told me - he didn't say anything. Then she told me he started talking to this other girl that he knew from before. So I - noticing that someone else could get the attention that I need to have (but hate to have) - subconsciously put on my little act and now I'm making him want me so I can say no. Damn. I do this allllllllll the time. Why am I such a bitch? I don't mean it. I can't help it. I guess it's how I validate myself. Once they want me, I realize I don't care at all. Control.
So then I started thinking... Dan is the only guy who has ever broken up with me or said no to me. The only one that is able to have control over me. And even though he does love me and wouldn't go get someone else... am I just playing my game to get him back so that I can have the satisfaction of knowing that I have the ability to get him back? yikes. What a strange thing to comprehend.
I shouldn't be jealous of Tom's new female friend for the simple and obvious fact that I do not want to date him and our relationship is PERFECT the way it is. I wish I didn't know they broke up. oh but I love to know cause it is sneaky and fun for me.
On the other hand, I have been seeing Tom since June.... and I haven't gotten sick of him. That, in itself, may be the single most un-Bessy-like happening. Unless I fall in love, I cycle through guys on average every week or two. Once they show any form of interest, I am immediately disgusted. There could possibly be something there. possibly.
However, whatever it is that may possibly be there, it pales in comparison to how I feel about Dan. Even though my hypothesis is an interesting one, I must state some facts:
1. I have not stopped feeling butterflies when I think about Dan since the day we met.
2. When he is around, I am a noodle.
3. I admire and respect him.
4. The thought of his body makes my toes tingle.
5. Even after deciding to try to move on, I still have not - for one day - felt anything less than the day at the wedding when I fell in love with him for the first time. What a glorious moment.
6. I can still cry in a second's notice when I think about missing him.
7. Sometimes I text him "I love you" and then save it to drafts and delete it later.
8. I want him to be happy. I want over everything else for his little life to be happy.
SO overall, I must conclude the following: My "game" with Tom is just a game and I need to stop it. Just stop it Bessy. Idiot. And my "game" with Dan is just me trying to over-analyze. I do love him. Over and over. I always end up admitting this to myself. Yes Bessy, Dan has the power to control your feelings and yes, Bessy, that is ok. So stop trying to Control everything! Chill.
Jesus.
Sometimes I wonder why my brain keeps going.
Ok, I am satisfied.
So I was pondering this weirdness today and I started to think that I could just maybe- a little- dare I say it... have feelings? oh god. no no no. Then I remembered who I am and what it is I do to people. I know exactly what I'm doing. He just broke up with his girlfriend. Nicole told me - he didn't say anything. Then she told me he started talking to this other girl that he knew from before. So I - noticing that someone else could get the attention that I need to have (but hate to have) - subconsciously put on my little act and now I'm making him want me so I can say no. Damn. I do this allllllllll the time. Why am I such a bitch? I don't mean it. I can't help it. I guess it's how I validate myself. Once they want me, I realize I don't care at all. Control.
So then I started thinking... Dan is the only guy who has ever broken up with me or said no to me. The only one that is able to have control over me. And even though he does love me and wouldn't go get someone else... am I just playing my game to get him back so that I can have the satisfaction of knowing that I have the ability to get him back? yikes. What a strange thing to comprehend.
I shouldn't be jealous of Tom's new female friend for the simple and obvious fact that I do not want to date him and our relationship is PERFECT the way it is. I wish I didn't know they broke up. oh but I love to know cause it is sneaky and fun for me.
On the other hand, I have been seeing Tom since June.... and I haven't gotten sick of him. That, in itself, may be the single most un-Bessy-like happening. Unless I fall in love, I cycle through guys on average every week or two. Once they show any form of interest, I am immediately disgusted. There could possibly be something there. possibly.
However, whatever it is that may possibly be there, it pales in comparison to how I feel about Dan. Even though my hypothesis is an interesting one, I must state some facts:
1. I have not stopped feeling butterflies when I think about Dan since the day we met.
2. When he is around, I am a noodle.
3. I admire and respect him.
4. The thought of his body makes my toes tingle.
5. Even after deciding to try to move on, I still have not - for one day - felt anything less than the day at the wedding when I fell in love with him for the first time. What a glorious moment.
6. I can still cry in a second's notice when I think about missing him.
7. Sometimes I text him "I love you" and then save it to drafts and delete it later.
8. I want him to be happy. I want over everything else for his little life to be happy.
SO overall, I must conclude the following: My "game" with Tom is just a game and I need to stop it. Just stop it Bessy. Idiot. And my "game" with Dan is just me trying to over-analyze. I do love him. Over and over. I always end up admitting this to myself. Yes Bessy, Dan has the power to control your feelings and yes, Bessy, that is ok. So stop trying to Control everything! Chill.
Jesus.
Sometimes I wonder why my brain keeps going.
Ok, I am satisfied.