Are you a Mexi-can or a Mexi-can't?
I got into the nursing program. I am glad but not as excited as I thought I would be. Probably because I know this is what I want and I will get it - so it doesn't seem like much of a struggle. Just the first little step. I want to learn everything. To me, that is important. To me, that is what life is for. That's all we are really. I missed Caleb a lot today. I think I dreamed of him last night. I can't remember his face for the life of me. I wish I could crack my brain apart and reabsorb my memories. I like to be a nurse for him. Is that stupid? I'm not sure but it's a goal and a goal is a goal is a goal. We all need one. I was remembering all of the people that sent me flowers when he died. That was so wonderful. I never thought I would like getting flowers so much. There is this one girl at STCC that works in the parking department and I went into her office once when I was pregnant. The semester after I had him, she remembered me and asked me about him. I didn't know what to say, so I just said he was good and showed her a picture. That was so dumb. Now everytime I see her she asks me about the baby and if I have a picture on me. I can't tell her now because how weird would that be. I think I will keep this up for the rest of my life. It has become somewhat of a game to me. I still try to avoid her at all costs. What am I supposed to do - say "oh, he died 2 days after he was born and I have been lying to you the whole time. That is why I don't have a recent picture."? Nah - I'll just keep snowballing my lie and someday I will see her in a grocery store and have to get some random picture of a 12 year old and pretend that is Caleb. I'll pretend that he is a good student and that he is planning to be an architect - oh but that changes just about everyday. Last week he wanted to be a professional magician! You know how kids are... and then we'll give a little giggle and be off on separate ways. We went to a poem reading tonight and it made me almost miss being wicked depressed. Then I came home and made 72 cookies. It's lab week and that means cookies. I might move out with Kathy. It would be so nice to have a base. I feel like I am living out of a suitcase because I am rarely home and I have to bring everything I own with me everywhere. I hate being busy. I miss being bored. I used to be bored! I did! There was a time! I remember - I would sleep too much and click around aimlessly on the internet. Oh for that sweet time again... That's ok, I am accomplishing something and that is better. Ok wrapping up cookies.