(no subject)
This time I am sad. Who knows why. It is just a feeling. Like a time warp lately. The weather is getting cold and it makes me sad. It is almost December. Can you believe it? Almost a year has passed. So fast and at the same time so slow. I miss that little guy. He was my life. He breathed and it gave me a reason to live. Now I just breathe in the after shocks. I need him around. I need him here. I would have given up anything... everything. He is my dream. I remember dreaming of him. I remember dreamng that he was with me and I put him in his crib for the night then I woke up (in dream world) and he was dead in his crib, Then I woke up with a startle in real life and he was gone. Truely, Really gone. And I held my head and I cried. I remember dreaming that I was playing with him. He was laughing with me and we were playing - I loved him and he knew it; he loved me back. Then I woke up and he was gone. A pile of dirt at his feet and a stone at his head. My little muffin cake. I told a girl at my work about him the other day, and she was really good about it. Said the comforting words, played the "comforting" role. But who really knows how? No one. And it is ok, I know that no one can really know what it is like, but I wish that someone really could. I wish that someone really could know what I need. Isn't that everyone's wish? To have someone? I lost almost ALL of my memories from that segment of time. The went into repression - even tough I begged and begged for them to stay. Somehow my mind knew what was best for me and the memories faded alowly away; ignored my cries and slipped through my grasp. But they are coming back! The last few days, I have been finding them again. They have been sprouting up in the most obscure places. I stumble upon them with a bittersweet embrace. I need those memories, but I know that if they had been there the whole time Iwould not have been able to stay sane. I am slowly recieving them back tomy mind and it feels so good. I have nights filled with sorrow, drenched with tears, but it feels so good. To see his litle body in my memory once again is the most wonderful gift I could ever ask for. My little bean. WHat an awesome son. My favorite boy. I love him more thanlife itself. SOmeday Iwill be with him again and that is my dream! Goodnight baby Caleb, you are the sweetest. Thank you so much for the memories.They are my favorite Christmas present.