Great nations
Слава Україна! In a vaguely terrifying speech in which he was visibly shaking with emotion, Tony Blair declared Britain to be "the greatest nation on earth" (I was waiting for some kind of creature to erupt from his head, but no luck). An American contributing to The Guardian agrees, kind of - and I agree, kind of, with him.
However, according to the rest of Europe (as per the Eurovision 2007 results last night), Serbia and its population of earnest, atheistic dykes is the greatest nation on earth. Ukraine and its denizens of tinfoil-clad drag queens runs a close second, and Russia and some girls who wear dresses backwards and sing about their "bad asses spinning for you" are third-best.
We watched all three hours of the Eurovision finals last night, and I have to admit to being totally gutted that the Ukraine didn't win. We even phoned in and voted (for the Ukraine, of course) and I was yelling at the television and wildly excited by all the flashing lights, shiny things, and joyful artlessness. The Irish came in dead last, for a damn good reason, with their stupid song about blackbirds singing and bees stinging, and the British nearly came in last with this... fascinatingly abject monstrosity, which includes the brilliant line, "Would you like something to suck on for landing, sir?"
I think what amazed me most of all about the competition, aside from its ability to paint the entirety of Europe in a hideous light, is that the majority of the votes went to either a grotesque drag queen or a totally sincere lesbian who was singing about how snatch was her only prayer or something (we turned the singalong lyrics on). What's truly incredible, though, is the fact that Europe 'preferred' (in single quotes because the competition is more about colonial/genocidal/forced collectivization-related etc guilt - seeing as you can't vote for your country of residence - than it is about anything else, namely talent) the openly queer, ugly lesbian over the comfortably absurd, performatively queer drag queen. Given the choice, I never thought that any collective would opt for the former rather than the latter.
I almost voted for Slovenia because they had a some incredibly happy woman singing techno-opera, and their reading-of-results live feed consisted of a dude waving a flashlight across his face and yelling "Helloooooo from Slovenia!" - but the sudden electrical surge of patriotic love for the mother-land compelled me to vote for the Ukraine. NOT THAT IT MADE A DIFFERENCE.
ADDENDUM (2:58 PM):
Due to the pissing rain which will continue unabated for several centuries, the day's activities have been changed from "buy groceries" and "mark student papers" to the far more sexy "lie in bed listening to Iron and Wine."
- JJJJS