Will Power
Will Power.
Weird juxtapositioning of events.
I've been really depressed my uncomfortable balls took away my confidence in dancing.
So this morning, fed up with not being able to go out clubbing or anything, I got up determined to dance, and gave it a little try downstairs. At first I got a headrush and had to sit down, as I had just woken up and hadn't had anything to eat, so I wrote a MySpace message to Papi and then blogged on LJ about ankles.
Then I headed down to try again,
and put on Lee's old video of dance music. I had to fast forwards past live performances of Kurt Cobain and Nirvana...which was really weird to catch a glimpse of a live performance, when you know the guy singing live is gonna shoot himself a few years on from when the recording was taken, ...and then got to Mark O Mark's Du Horst Mich, and began my hardcore stomp.
And amazingly I could do it.
I think it was because it was first thing in the morning, and I wasn't feeling that uncomfortable when I began. Varicoceles apparently get worse during the day as the blood collects in the vains due to gravity from prolonged standing up. It did itch a little at the sides, but I figured it might be 'cos I was working up a sweat. Indeed, I had to sit down half way through Dune's Hardcore Vibes, as I heard my throbbing heart in my head....I obviously haven't done this enough since my problem started, I must be getting unfit.
Nonetheless, although I sat through a cheesey 90s dance video for "You sure make me feel like lovin' you", the next track on was Prodigy's Charlie, and as the cat grinned at me, I knew I had to get up again, and I subsequently went for it.
Shame the lounge has carpet, as the friction restricted some of the accuracy of my footwork, but generally, I was relieved my balls seemed to be handling the jiggling okay. Of course they had Y-fronts for support, but it's always a concern that yfronts can restrict leg movement, which thankfully wasn't the case today.
So I felt like I had achieved mind over matter, and how a determined will, had overcome a physical defect.
However, this was within the first few hours of waking. It's likely I may still have trouble dancing towards the end of the day, as the varicocele gets worse, but at least now I know that if I want to enjoy a specific club night, I can still go, as long as I time my sleep, so that I wake up in time to get ready and go.
I daresay I may also try dancing towards the end of the day when I'm more blatantly uncomfortable, but I'm not too confident of a similarly successful result under those circumstances.
I stopped the video.
And what should be on TV, but an animation about a railroad worker, who was threatened with redundancy in light of a new drilling machine, but vowed to beat the machine in a drilling race, in order to save his co-worker's jobs. His girlfriend thought him crazy, but he was stubborn and determined.
I recognised a similarity with my determination to dance and overcome my ball problem,
as well as with my determination to make a success of my DVD project, come what may.
It was elatory then to see the machine eventually explode, as using heart, and willpower, Henry Lee ploughed through the rock with his two hammers. I felt vindicated. You could achieve anything if you put your mind to it. But alas, as Henry reached the other side of the hill they were drilling through, he collapsed and died.
His colleagues looked over him.
"He had a heart too big....but it was also a heart too small..."
Sh*t.
Don't kill yourself trying y'all, unless it's really worth it(!).