It's OVER!!! Praise the Lord!!
I couldn't take anymore of that god damn game. After spending hours trying to accomplish the challenges (kill two cougars with a knife, for example...except that you rarely ever find a cougar. It's like I'm playing WoW waiting for some creature to drop something I need), I gave up and just went for the story missions. God help me.
I think the turning point was when I got to the last of the Survivalist challenges and it said to collect ten of one type of plant, then get two samples of every other friggin' plant you already collected. Which meant visiting every area of the game again. No. Homey don't play dat!
No, wait. Maybe the turning point was when I did all the other challenges needed to get the US Army outfit, except that the final part was FAIL. You have to go to the tailor in Blackwater and buy a scrap of the outfit. Which is common with other outfits. But this one was unavailable...and it never said why. Finally, after trying various methods, I went online and discovered that you had to beat the game to get it. Which makes me wonder why the hell I would want it once the game was over...WTF?!? Or why it was never mentioned as a requirement!!
So, I cranked through the story missions to end the game. And holy Mary mother of god that was some horrible, horrible crap. The Professor from earlier inexplicably rides with you to a meeting with Injun criminals, who shoot your own Injun friend (thank god...the voice actor's monotonous reading of the lines was becoming unbearable). Then you ride back to town. Accomplishing...nothing, really. The game then starts making fun of itself: the Gov't assholes who are holding your wife give a long, existential speech (like every character in the game), and when John Marston (your character), asks what that whole monologuing thing was about, the Gov't asshole says he just likes to ramble. Yeah, I noticed.
So, here's how the end of the game goes:
- You confront the Gov't dicks and demand your family back. Why? Because you've done all they asked you to do. Except that isn't even remotely true and they call you on it. And so did I, yelling at the screen.
- Hunt down the bad guy, blahblahblah. Gov't Asshole says your family is atually at your farm already. Good job, happy time.
- You get home to discover your wife is a beeeee-yooootch! She smacks you, thinking you went back to your old gang. I...what?!?! She knew the Gov't kidnapped her (and put her in a cooking school, she says), and why. So, what the hell is she talking about? You wake up the next morning and caress her pretty fa--SMACK! She swats you away. Nice to see you, too, honey. You get a letter from Bonnie (way back in the beginning of the game), and she gets jealous. Then follows you to Bonnie's farm, nagging the shit out of you the whole way. I was half expecting Marston to chuck you out and live with Bonnie happily ever after.
- Oh, and your son is no better. He continuously whines about how you're a terrible father and blames you for leaving him and his mom. Not just once, no. He repeatedly says he is afraid you'll leave them again. Yes, somehow, I talked the Gov't into kidnapping them so I could go off on my own and dick around. Your son, ladies and gentlemen, is a fucking dumbass.
- And how do I know all this about them? Because when you finish the game...it doesn't finish. It gets all Lord of the Rings on you and keeps going and going and going. You get home to your ranch, interact with your family (including a random old man who seems like an extra in THE ROOM...we just kept yelling, "Who the fuck ARE YOU???"), herd cattle (?!), going hunting for Elk with your son and your dog, herd more cattle (!?!?!), shoot crows eating your corn on your silo, tame horses, shoot yourself in the head out of boredom, etc. I felt like this was supposed to be the actual beginning of the game, but they got confused.
- All these things I did, by the way, I learned from Bonnie in the actual beginning of the game. Which means, I had no experience herding cattle or taming horses DESPITE BEING A RANCHER BEFORE THE GAME STARTED!!! Somehow, I was the most inept rancher in history. Strike ten for characterization, Rockstar.
- When the game finally, mercifully, comes to an end, it is as inexplicable as the entire story that came before it. The Gov't...the US fucking Army...attacks your ranch and you hold them off while your family flees. Why do they do this? You never find out...because when they finally gun you down (a part where the game couldn't decide if you should be allowed to shoot them or not...another unfinished section of the programming, I suspect), they say nothing. Not one word. The Gov't Asshole lights up a cigar and shakes his head. And so did I. Why the fuck are you doing this NOW?? You had my wife and kid and let them go unharmed. You had me surrounded by Army multiple times and let me go unharmed. Why, out of the fucking blue, did they just decide to attack months later? I suspect it is for one simple reason: to put me out of my misery after showing me how fucking tedious rancher life was. They dug themselves into a hole of mind-numbing boredom and needed a way out. I could almost hear John Marston whisper, "Please, just end it...if I have to herd any more cattle, I will do it myself."
- Oh, but wait! There's more! Your son buries you...time moves forward...and he is grown up. Dressed like you! And carrying all your gear. Oh, what a clever way to continue playing after the ending. Except...why? Is he getting revenge on the Gov't? Is he doing...anything? Nope. He just struts around, because the plot is (thankfully) over. Now you can go finish all those challenges, etc., just as a different character. In a whiny voice. But...well, he does have better facial hair,, at least. I couldn't stand looking at the wide-eyed Carl Urban with the patchy facial hair any longer. So this is an improvement. Too bad I won't look at him much since even thinking of playing the game any more makes me a little nauseous.
______________________-
For those who missed it, here's Zero Punctuation's take on the game...too bad he clearly hasn't played through to the end, as evidence by his belief that it was "beautifully written."
I think the turning point was when I got to the last of the Survivalist challenges and it said to collect ten of one type of plant, then get two samples of every other friggin' plant you already collected. Which meant visiting every area of the game again. No. Homey don't play dat!
No, wait. Maybe the turning point was when I did all the other challenges needed to get the US Army outfit, except that the final part was FAIL. You have to go to the tailor in Blackwater and buy a scrap of the outfit. Which is common with other outfits. But this one was unavailable...and it never said why. Finally, after trying various methods, I went online and discovered that you had to beat the game to get it. Which makes me wonder why the hell I would want it once the game was over...WTF?!? Or why it was never mentioned as a requirement!!
So, I cranked through the story missions to end the game. And holy Mary mother of god that was some horrible, horrible crap. The Professor from earlier inexplicably rides with you to a meeting with Injun criminals, who shoot your own Injun friend (thank god...the voice actor's monotonous reading of the lines was becoming unbearable). Then you ride back to town. Accomplishing...nothing, really. The game then starts making fun of itself: the Gov't assholes who are holding your wife give a long, existential speech (like every character in the game), and when John Marston (your character), asks what that whole monologuing thing was about, the Gov't asshole says he just likes to ramble. Yeah, I noticed.
So, here's how the end of the game goes:
- You confront the Gov't dicks and demand your family back. Why? Because you've done all they asked you to do. Except that isn't even remotely true and they call you on it. And so did I, yelling at the screen.
- Hunt down the bad guy, blahblahblah. Gov't Asshole says your family is atually at your farm already. Good job, happy time.
- You get home to discover your wife is a beeeee-yooootch! She smacks you, thinking you went back to your old gang. I...what?!?! She knew the Gov't kidnapped her (and put her in a cooking school, she says), and why. So, what the hell is she talking about? You wake up the next morning and caress her pretty fa--SMACK! She swats you away. Nice to see you, too, honey. You get a letter from Bonnie (way back in the beginning of the game), and she gets jealous. Then follows you to Bonnie's farm, nagging the shit out of you the whole way. I was half expecting Marston to chuck you out and live with Bonnie happily ever after.
- Oh, and your son is no better. He continuously whines about how you're a terrible father and blames you for leaving him and his mom. Not just once, no. He repeatedly says he is afraid you'll leave them again. Yes, somehow, I talked the Gov't into kidnapping them so I could go off on my own and dick around. Your son, ladies and gentlemen, is a fucking dumbass.
- And how do I know all this about them? Because when you finish the game...it doesn't finish. It gets all Lord of the Rings on you and keeps going and going and going. You get home to your ranch, interact with your family (including a random old man who seems like an extra in THE ROOM...we just kept yelling, "Who the fuck ARE YOU???"), herd cattle (?!), going hunting for Elk with your son and your dog, herd more cattle (!?!?!), shoot crows eating your corn on your silo, tame horses, shoot yourself in the head out of boredom, etc. I felt like this was supposed to be the actual beginning of the game, but they got confused.
- All these things I did, by the way, I learned from Bonnie in the actual beginning of the game. Which means, I had no experience herding cattle or taming horses DESPITE BEING A RANCHER BEFORE THE GAME STARTED!!! Somehow, I was the most inept rancher in history. Strike ten for characterization, Rockstar.
- When the game finally, mercifully, comes to an end, it is as inexplicable as the entire story that came before it. The Gov't...the US fucking Army...attacks your ranch and you hold them off while your family flees. Why do they do this? You never find out...because when they finally gun you down (a part where the game couldn't decide if you should be allowed to shoot them or not...another unfinished section of the programming, I suspect), they say nothing. Not one word. The Gov't Asshole lights up a cigar and shakes his head. And so did I. Why the fuck are you doing this NOW?? You had my wife and kid and let them go unharmed. You had me surrounded by Army multiple times and let me go unharmed. Why, out of the fucking blue, did they just decide to attack months later? I suspect it is for one simple reason: to put me out of my misery after showing me how fucking tedious rancher life was. They dug themselves into a hole of mind-numbing boredom and needed a way out. I could almost hear John Marston whisper, "Please, just end it...if I have to herd any more cattle, I will do it myself."
- Oh, but wait! There's more! Your son buries you...time moves forward...and he is grown up. Dressed like you! And carrying all your gear. Oh, what a clever way to continue playing after the ending. Except...why? Is he getting revenge on the Gov't? Is he doing...anything? Nope. He just struts around, because the plot is (thankfully) over. Now you can go finish all those challenges, etc., just as a different character. In a whiny voice. But...well, he does have better facial hair,, at least. I couldn't stand looking at the wide-eyed Carl Urban with the patchy facial hair any longer. So this is an improvement. Too bad I won't look at him much since even thinking of playing the game any more makes me a little nauseous.
______________________-
For those who missed it, here's Zero Punctuation's take on the game...too bad he clearly hasn't played through to the end, as evidence by his belief that it was "beautifully written."