Real Life Update

[thefourthvine]

My house is more or less under control at this point. I hope. For at least a little while. So I should be able to return to recommending and ranting and whatever other things people hope to find here.

Comments

[thete1]

*pets you*

*Nothing* but sympathy.

Although...

Unanswered Questions: Will we get the County tree guy to remove the tree - or even answer his voice mail - before the ficus uses its Underground Tentacles of Death to crush our main line in its evil, ficus-y embrace?

Really, if it's a ficus that's causing the drama, it might be cheaper to just fly me to wherever you are and tell me to try to keep it alive. At which point the ficus will -- as all ficuses do in my presence -- spontaneously wither and die.

[thefourthvine]

Te of the evening, beautiful Te, are you interested in a vacation in the sunny suburbs of Los Angeles? Because we have a newly-cleaned spare bedroom and a ficus that is consuming my soul. Or at least all my spare time and most of my will to live. And I'm entirely willing to try unorthodox solutions at this point.

How long do you think it would take you to "take care" of a very robust ficus the size of a two-story building, with a root system that is not only destroying our plumbing but also our neighbor's, and that has been detected as far away as Nebraska?

Oh, and I hereby grant you all responsibility for keeping the thing alive. Seriously. The ficus is now yours to do with as you will. It's Te's Ficus that is destroying our plumbing, and so shall it ever be known. Perhaps I will get a small sign made for it, so that our neighbor can know who is responsible for it, too.

[thete1]

*laughing* My God. How in hell... I *know* I'm not the only person in the world who can kill a ficus with a dirty look. Did you soak the thing in gamma radiation or something?

But. Suburbs of L.A., hmm?

If time was less of a concern, I'd recommend a large amount of acidic, impure water of the sort which is positively abundant here in the verdantly corrupt NJ suburbs.

*many hugs*

[thefourthvine]

Now, wait. We did not plant this ficus; it was a mature tree when we got here. I suspect it was a mature tree when I was born, a sweet innocent baby unaware of the lurking ficus badness waiting for me in Los Angeles. For all I know, yes, the damn thing was the result of some strange combination of Cold War science, LA County tree experimentation, and pure, pure evil.

And you may be the only person on Earth with the power to kill this tree. God knows others have tried and failed. I mean, seriously, the gardener took a chainsaw to the root system and only made it mad; he was lucky to escape with his life. So I was thinking in terms of Hercules, but we all know Te is just as good as Hercules. Ficusbane, work your magic!

[thete1]

*laughs -near- your pain*

My GOD. I just...

*sticks pins in ficus doll*