Getting Old
I'm coming off a real mindfuck that was my weekend.
I turned 40 recently enough and that has done its number. Last year was our 20th high school reunion, so I was already aware I'm aging.
But this weekend we attended a memorial for your old chemistry teacher at P-Hill. He was a delightful man and I felt we had to honor him by showing up. I went with Christina and her partner Jacob.
It was a lot of old teachers I haven't seen in decades and a few I hadn't even thought of in as long. That was an interesting feeling of its own.
I got to see my favorite teacher from high school and instead of it being a great interaction, it honestly fucking sucked. She didn't recognize me, that's fine, I guess I've changed a bit from when I was 18. But it was just a strangely cold interaction, despite getting to say "you were always my favorite teacher, especially the time I spent being your TA those two years."
Sure she wasn't traditionally warm when I was in her class either but I thought it was just deeper than all that. I suppose not.
That was a lot of baggage to unpack. I have a deep seated paranoia about being forgotten and generally a forgetable person. That hit me in the sensitive area.
But I'm more aware of myself more and more. I'm certainly not the same insecure shell that I was a decade ago. Jake continues to remind me that I'm an asset and that I'm worthy of being remembered and acknowledged.
But it was just crazy to be pushed back into an old headspace, where I struggle to remember how much I'm worth to many people.
Thankfully all that matters is that I've got my man, my best friends for all these years and my darling niece that Christina gave me. Diana adores me and I'll fight to make sure nobody ever damages her self esteem the way I mine was damaged as a child. That's my promise to the world, to continue to take care of the youth and the new generations.
I turned 40 recently enough and that has done its number. Last year was our 20th high school reunion, so I was already aware I'm aging.
But this weekend we attended a memorial for your old chemistry teacher at P-Hill. He was a delightful man and I felt we had to honor him by showing up. I went with Christina and her partner Jacob.
It was a lot of old teachers I haven't seen in decades and a few I hadn't even thought of in as long. That was an interesting feeling of its own.
I got to see my favorite teacher from high school and instead of it being a great interaction, it honestly fucking sucked. She didn't recognize me, that's fine, I guess I've changed a bit from when I was 18. But it was just a strangely cold interaction, despite getting to say "you were always my favorite teacher, especially the time I spent being your TA those two years."
Sure she wasn't traditionally warm when I was in her class either but I thought it was just deeper than all that. I suppose not.
That was a lot of baggage to unpack. I have a deep seated paranoia about being forgotten and generally a forgetable person. That hit me in the sensitive area.
But I'm more aware of myself more and more. I'm certainly not the same insecure shell that I was a decade ago. Jake continues to remind me that I'm an asset and that I'm worthy of being remembered and acknowledged.
But it was just crazy to be pushed back into an old headspace, where I struggle to remember how much I'm worth to many people.
Thankfully all that matters is that I've got my man, my best friends for all these years and my darling niece that Christina gave me. Diana adores me and I'll fight to make sure nobody ever damages her self esteem the way I mine was damaged as a child. That's my promise to the world, to continue to take care of the youth and the new generations.