I'm learning a lot about myself, and none of it is good.
My mood is very easily influenced, especially by key people.
I fixate on things.
I am terribly, deeply insecure.
I am the worst kind of perfectionist. The lazy one. My laziness stems from a lack of confidence in myself so fundamental that I set myself up for failure to give myself something else to blame my failure on (procrastination, something circumstantial).
I have a disgusting fear of being irrelevant, of not being sought after. It makes me feel worthless. I'm embittered. I think I'm really special and have a lot to offer people, but nobody cares, so therefore I'm worthless. Who wants someone who makes no effort and is mediocre anyway?
And it's not like I'm fishing for compliments. Any compliments I do get look like lies to me.
I love myself a lot sometimes, I think I'm pretty cool, but I don't think anyone loves me to the extent that I can love someone, and I feel like I deserve it sometimes. And it's not fair.
Putting it all out like this makes me sound so stupid. I am stupid. I should just focus on how good it feels to do things for other people. That's a very nice feeling, even if it isn't reciprocated. Just bring happiness to others.
I just can't get over how empty and alone I feel though.
I said to the man I love the other day, "I am not going to reach out to someone who is OK watching me drown."
He said "I am not reaching out to someone who purposefully drowns themselves."
I don't want to drown. I told him.
"You sure try hard to."
Is that true? I feel like this because your inaction makes me feel unwanted. You insinuate that I could fix this for myself, that I'm digging my own hole. So I have the means to make you make me feel wanted again? How? How can I control your actions? That doesn't make any sense. What am I missing?
I fixate on things.
I am terribly, deeply insecure.
I am the worst kind of perfectionist. The lazy one. My laziness stems from a lack of confidence in myself so fundamental that I set myself up for failure to give myself something else to blame my failure on (procrastination, something circumstantial).
I have a disgusting fear of being irrelevant, of not being sought after. It makes me feel worthless. I'm embittered. I think I'm really special and have a lot to offer people, but nobody cares, so therefore I'm worthless. Who wants someone who makes no effort and is mediocre anyway?
And it's not like I'm fishing for compliments. Any compliments I do get look like lies to me.
I love myself a lot sometimes, I think I'm pretty cool, but I don't think anyone loves me to the extent that I can love someone, and I feel like I deserve it sometimes. And it's not fair.
Putting it all out like this makes me sound so stupid. I am stupid. I should just focus on how good it feels to do things for other people. That's a very nice feeling, even if it isn't reciprocated. Just bring happiness to others.
I just can't get over how empty and alone I feel though.
I said to the man I love the other day, "I am not going to reach out to someone who is OK watching me drown."
He said "I am not reaching out to someone who purposefully drowns themselves."
I don't want to drown. I told him.
"You sure try hard to."
Is that true? I feel like this because your inaction makes me feel unwanted. You insinuate that I could fix this for myself, that I'm digging my own hole. So I have the means to make you make me feel wanted again? How? How can I control your actions? That doesn't make any sense. What am I missing?