Hello 2008
I haven’t made an entry all year. What is this? I can't write in detail about what I'm doing in real life, because I'm doing way too many things, causing my sense of self, health and sanity to deteriorate. For me to write in detail I would have to repeatedly hit myself in the head with a heavy blunt object until my memories ooze out like egg yolk, so I'll just steam a bunch of words together and call it my life.
Twelfth Night done, lights shine, looks hot feels cold, no junk food, work at vets, work at center, work at TV station, asm for Carnival of Follies, feeling better with acme folks, going to Chapman, back from Ashland/Portland, hotel came with condom in room, biggest used book store, awesome science building, read 1000 acres, Hamlet, Luna and King Lear, ap bio evil, sorted books, light designing Tony Fields, Davis school system has no money (schools fucked), very cold, planed my two month of non stopingness, con rocked my socks, feeling more comfortable with UU's, cuddle puddle, music, fashion show, research paper.
If you want details on a certain do da, you can ask me. If you give me a direction and focus I can speak of it.
The gardeners are mowing the lawn. The dogs are barking. I am typing. My brain is drowning.
I'm sitting in my large swivel chair, elbows resting on the wooden arm rest, my feet are propped up on the bottom of the chair, my fingers are applying slight pressure on my little key board, causing my thoughts to jump in front of me on my monitor. I can feel all of this, but I feel like I'm not here, even as I type this and read that all this is occurring. The body that is typing isn't thinking. This body has no thoughts, no dreams, no ambitions, and no memories. What's driving this body is my inner self, but my inner self is trapped outside myself. I'm drowning. There is a permanent chill running up and down my body as if a force is submerging me in ice water. My body shows signs of my drowning. The tips of my fingers are purple, I'm mute, my body can't even say the pain it's in. My inner self is drowning. It's being held underwater, trapped under a great force. All my time, energy, ideas, and emotions have been used up. I'm thrashing to breath, trying desperately to break through the icy bearer, separating me from life. But to my horror, the force that is keeping me under, holding me down is my love.
How can love turn into such horror? How can doing the things you love, cause you so much suffering? My love is the force holding down my self, controlling my body to do it's bidding. They don't care if they work my body past it's limits with access physical labor and lack of sleep and proper eating, or if they make my mind stretch too far, or pull my emotions till they tare. They are scooping out all that is me and filling my body with a numbing amount of nothingness so they can do all they want to. I don't know if it's suicide or murder or what. All I know is that I am deteriorating, and my body isn't strong enough to say no to my love and devotion and listen to my self.
Twelfth Night done, lights shine, looks hot feels cold, no junk food, work at vets, work at center, work at TV station, asm for Carnival of Follies, feeling better with acme folks, going to Chapman, back from Ashland/Portland, hotel came with condom in room, biggest used book store, awesome science building, read 1000 acres, Hamlet, Luna and King Lear, ap bio evil, sorted books, light designing Tony Fields, Davis school system has no money (schools fucked), very cold, planed my two month of non stopingness, con rocked my socks, feeling more comfortable with UU's, cuddle puddle, music, fashion show, research paper.
If you want details on a certain do da, you can ask me. If you give me a direction and focus I can speak of it.
The gardeners are mowing the lawn. The dogs are barking. I am typing. My brain is drowning.
I'm sitting in my large swivel chair, elbows resting on the wooden arm rest, my feet are propped up on the bottom of the chair, my fingers are applying slight pressure on my little key board, causing my thoughts to jump in front of me on my monitor. I can feel all of this, but I feel like I'm not here, even as I type this and read that all this is occurring. The body that is typing isn't thinking. This body has no thoughts, no dreams, no ambitions, and no memories. What's driving this body is my inner self, but my inner self is trapped outside myself. I'm drowning. There is a permanent chill running up and down my body as if a force is submerging me in ice water. My body shows signs of my drowning. The tips of my fingers are purple, I'm mute, my body can't even say the pain it's in. My inner self is drowning. It's being held underwater, trapped under a great force. All my time, energy, ideas, and emotions have been used up. I'm thrashing to breath, trying desperately to break through the icy bearer, separating me from life. But to my horror, the force that is keeping me under, holding me down is my love.
How can love turn into such horror? How can doing the things you love, cause you so much suffering? My love is the force holding down my self, controlling my body to do it's bidding. They don't care if they work my body past it's limits with access physical labor and lack of sleep and proper eating, or if they make my mind stretch too far, or pull my emotions till they tare. They are scooping out all that is me and filling my body with a numbing amount of nothingness so they can do all they want to. I don't know if it's suicide or murder or what. All I know is that I am deteriorating, and my body isn't strong enough to say no to my love and devotion and listen to my self.