Masks
I guess I'm an adult now.
I wake up every day and put on the character of who I think I am. I go to work in character, so that I barely have enough money to live in a shared room in a shared apartment in the town I love. Work every day at a decent company with an alright team.
I come home in character and drink beer or go on a hike- sometimes play borderlands, sometimes just talk with the roommates or go to hot yoga..
I should be lucky to have a car and a couple good friends.
I don't feel like who I am though.
My life just kindof happens and I don't have time or money for change- or at least not enough reason/courage/energy to change.
and no direction.
Maybe some day I'll have enough time and money to really feel like I am living.
Seems like that's the curse, though. Chase money til you die a bored normal person.
I need a break from being the responsible one. I'd like a chance to finish up school. I only have 2 more classes to finish for an AA (taken long enough,right??)...and yet, I don't know how I could even manage those 2 classes without quitting my job. An AA doesn't really do that much for me anyway, BS is what I really need....and then, what would I want from it? I don't have room to think about what I want.
Right now I am still thinking about the past. Beating myself up for mistakes I've made.
I know that I'm smarter and stronger now, and yet not enough to control the course of my life- can anyone do that? Are my standards too high or too low?
We are looking for a new place to rent- we've been looking for a year. Nothing has worked out :(
I feel alone even when friends and family are right here with me.
I'm not really sad though...just so uncomfortably self-aware.
I smoke every day. I'm not sure if I want to, or not. It's still less than I used to, but, I also wonder if it is what makes me so cloudy.
When I don't smoke, I get dreams though. Dreams that haunt me. I also get energy that I can't channel.
If I had time to just think.
If I had someone to talk to...
Everyone is trying just to make it in life, thinking and talking are too much to handle for all of us. It's not that I don't have caring friends- everyone just wants to NOT think. I have to say, it's probly easier that way.
I went back to swing dancing last and didn't even dance (well, I lead a dance with Jessi). I barely knew anyone- just one or two people and one of them didn't even wear dancing shoes on purpose. I don't know if I fit in there anymore, I feel so detached since Jason doesn't dance. I do like leading actually, but I am so shy when I am there- maybe I'm afraid that I'll still like dancing, and if I like it I'll miss it.
I miss something...I am trying to figure out what or who it is, and I hope it's just me. I think I miss being self destructive and living in the moment- and believe me, I wish I didn't.
I'm gonna try something new, and the same old things too-
How do I be an adult?
How do I be a fucking human being?
I wake up every day and put on the character of who I think I am. I go to work in character, so that I barely have enough money to live in a shared room in a shared apartment in the town I love. Work every day at a decent company with an alright team.
I come home in character and drink beer or go on a hike- sometimes play borderlands, sometimes just talk with the roommates or go to hot yoga..
I should be lucky to have a car and a couple good friends.
I don't feel like who I am though.
My life just kindof happens and I don't have time or money for change- or at least not enough reason/courage/energy to change.
and no direction.
Maybe some day I'll have enough time and money to really feel like I am living.
Seems like that's the curse, though. Chase money til you die a bored normal person.
I need a break from being the responsible one. I'd like a chance to finish up school. I only have 2 more classes to finish for an AA (taken long enough,right??)...and yet, I don't know how I could even manage those 2 classes without quitting my job. An AA doesn't really do that much for me anyway, BS is what I really need....and then, what would I want from it? I don't have room to think about what I want.
Right now I am still thinking about the past. Beating myself up for mistakes I've made.
I know that I'm smarter and stronger now, and yet not enough to control the course of my life- can anyone do that? Are my standards too high or too low?
We are looking for a new place to rent- we've been looking for a year. Nothing has worked out :(
I feel alone even when friends and family are right here with me.
I'm not really sad though...just so uncomfortably self-aware.
I smoke every day. I'm not sure if I want to, or not. It's still less than I used to, but, I also wonder if it is what makes me so cloudy.
When I don't smoke, I get dreams though. Dreams that haunt me. I also get energy that I can't channel.
If I had time to just think.
If I had someone to talk to...
Everyone is trying just to make it in life, thinking and talking are too much to handle for all of us. It's not that I don't have caring friends- everyone just wants to NOT think. I have to say, it's probly easier that way.
I went back to swing dancing last and didn't even dance (well, I lead a dance with Jessi). I barely knew anyone- just one or two people and one of them didn't even wear dancing shoes on purpose. I don't know if I fit in there anymore, I feel so detached since Jason doesn't dance. I do like leading actually, but I am so shy when I am there- maybe I'm afraid that I'll still like dancing, and if I like it I'll miss it.
I miss something...I am trying to figure out what or who it is, and I hope it's just me. I think I miss being self destructive and living in the moment- and believe me, I wish I didn't.
I'm gonna try something new, and the same old things too-
How do I be an adult?
How do I be a fucking human being?