I really appreciate your criticisms. This is exactly what I was looking for - someone to take what I had done and show me what I did wrong (And I know that came out sounding sarcastic, but I promise it's not.)
The idea for coming up with this show was looking at all these psychic shows on TV (primarily That's So Raven) and do everything that they do wrong right. This of course, means looking deep into the nature of future telling, which is what the pilot is trying to revolve around here. That was why I wanted to take care of telling Sean early.
I know this is only a first draft, and so a lot of the dialogue is really forced. Furthermore, I get most creative around 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning, so in exchange for my creativity, lots of technical parts of the writing fall off. On top of that, I don't really have a sense of how long each segment is coming out to be, and I'll probably wind up going back and expanding them.
I really appreciate your comment about the lack of character. Looking back on it, you're absolutely right, and I'll have to go back and try to make that more obvious.
And as for the length, this is quite a bit more. Christine instantly falls for Thomas, which makes Jonah very unhappy, as he is horribly in love with her. In fact, that was the one outstanding vision that Christine referenced in her conversation with Sean - Jonah and Christine cuddling in his room, and being truly in love.
The other thing is that I plan to direct this show, and I recognize the flaws in my writing. I am trying to just get a rough idea down here, and get some writers to help me out with it.
Again, thank you very much for all your input. If it ever gets produced (on a level higher than my college cable station), I'll make sure to thank you somehow.
The tell-Sean-right-away thing, though.... You obviously have your reasons. I just want to impress that this is NOT a movie. This is a TV show, and it has to have potential plot throughout 13 or 14 episodes (a normal season), or even further. I really like the idea of exploring the nature of fortune telling, but perhaps this would be better achieved if the viewer was forced to question his own beliefs and was drawn into the plot slowly. Exploring the nature of fortune telling is not having one character sit down another character straight off and TELL them exactly what your view is on what fortune telling should be.
That's all. Thanks for letting me take a look. It was interesting.
The idea for coming up with this show was looking at all these psychic shows on TV (primarily That's So Raven) and do everything that they do wrong right. This of course, means looking deep into the nature of future telling, which is what the pilot is trying to revolve around here. That was why I wanted to take care of telling Sean early.
I know this is only a first draft, and so a lot of the dialogue is really forced. Furthermore, I get most creative around 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning, so in exchange for my creativity, lots of technical parts of the writing fall off. On top of that, I don't really have a sense of how long each segment is coming out to be, and I'll probably wind up going back and expanding them.
I really appreciate your comment about the lack of character. Looking back on it, you're absolutely right, and I'll have to go back and try to make that more obvious.
And as for the length, this is quite a bit more. Christine instantly falls for Thomas, which makes Jonah very unhappy, as he is horribly in love with her. In fact, that was the one outstanding vision that Christine referenced in her conversation with Sean - Jonah and Christine cuddling in his room, and being truly in love.
The other thing is that I plan to direct this show, and I recognize the flaws in my writing. I am trying to just get a rough idea down here, and get some writers to help me out with it.
Again, thank you very much for all your input. If it ever gets produced (on a level higher than my college cable station), I'll make sure to thank you somehow.
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The tell-Sean-right-away thing, though.... You obviously have your reasons. I just want to impress that this is NOT a movie. This is a TV show, and it has to have potential plot throughout 13 or 14 episodes (a normal season), or even further. I really like the idea of exploring the nature of fortune telling, but perhaps this would be better achieved if the viewer was forced to question his own beliefs and was drawn into the plot slowly. Exploring the nature of fortune telling is not having one character sit down another character straight off and TELL them exactly what your view is on what fortune telling should be.
That's all. Thanks for letting me take a look. It was interesting.
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